Challenged accepted!

I have been feeling a bit egotistical lately. I’m not sure that is the right word, but all of my posts have been about me and my little world. Granted, they (who ever “they” are) say you should write what you know. All I know is my own world, my own experiences. At some point I will have to come to terms with the fact that if I am going to write a blog, I am going to be writing about myself.
It has made me want to go on more adventures. It’s like a throw down between me and…well, I don’t know but I feel challenged. I mean not that kind of challenged. Although I am sure I am a little bit of both. Anyway, I feel the pressing urgency to try things I haven’t done or at least do more things I enjoy.
Part of the reason this is so difficult is sometimes it is hard to get up the energy to even do the bare minimum that I need to do each day. Some days, I fight to find motivation to move. I know we all do, but there are some days I can’t help it. Some days my mind is ready. My body is not. It is just one of the many lovely effects of PNH. Other days my mind is what holds me back. I want to crawl under the covers and be left alone. I don’t want anyone. Not my students, not my friends, not my husband, and worst of all, I don’t want my baby. The anxiety is so great that I feel like no matter what I do, I will let them down. So better not to try. Right? (Dear God, please tell me I am not the only one who has ever felt this way.) It is a horrible circle of feeling like I can’t handle the world, then feeling like a failure for not handling the world.
This is when I have to tell myself that depression lies. I have to forgive myself. I DO want my baby! I DO want my husband! There is a part of me that knows better than to listen to all the horrible things that try to fight their way to the front of my mind. It is the part of me that knows how amazing life can be. It is the part of me that knows life is for living and knows that it is okay to feel sad sometimes because this too will pass.It is the part of me that knows that I should take the days that are not sad and live them to the fullest.
I want to live life as fully as possible when I can and embrace when I cannot. If for no other reason than I feel challenged! (Dang it! You know that I mean!)

Theatre Geeks UNITE!

I was super stoked when my friend and co-colaboratator…co-cocacolabrater…co-collaborator (and no I never did spell it right. Thank you spell check!), Tami, texted me and said that the Triad Theatre League was looking for a blogger to attend their social event on Sunday (today). Um…YES! Like I would pass up a chance to hang out with people that love theatre as much as I do or maybe even more!
For those of my readers outside of NC, the Triad is an area in the NC that includes Winston Salem, High Point, and Greensboro. The Triad Theatre League reaches to areas beyond the Triad to the Burlington area and pretty much every area in between these cities. One thing I have noticed about this area ever since I have moved here is that the Triad has a THRIVING theatre scene. Every theatre has it’s own unique touch that helps bring so many different types of theatre to so many theatre lovers.
What is so amazing, is how the Triad Theatre League strives to help each of these theatres join forces and support each other. Even if it just discounted pricing  for American Theatre Magazine, discounts for paid events, or access to the database of artist, this organization is truly trying to unite the theatre community in the Triad and help make it as strong as possible. There is this line of thinking that more theatre means more competition. This is a myth. More theatre just attracts more theatre people to the area. It also attracts more culture, more arts, more restaurants, more tourism, more community out reach, and produces more well rounded members of society. In my opinion, there is nothing theatre cannot do.
This organization is supporting the Theatres in this community and its artist. In addition to Organizational Memberships, they also have Individual Memberships. I have to say one of the coolest things that Erin Diaz, from Spring Theatre and co-founder of Triad Theatre League, told me about was the DISCOUNTED TICKET OFFERS! Say what!

Ok, pause for a min. I have two jobs. I like to think that I have two lives. By day, I am the theatre teacher who works super hard to make theatre accessable to every student she encounters. I deal with one of 3 kind of students. The ones who don’t want to be taking theatre but are required to for some reason or another, those who are there because they thought it would be an easy A (HA!), and those who really do want to be there but are surrounded by those who don’t care and distract me from my super awesome information about theatre because they have to go to the bathroom 3 times in a 50 min class! By night, I am the starving artist. (HA! HA! I am not even close to starving)

If you are a struggling theatre teacher or starving artist, or anything in between, everyone can benefit from discounted tickets. Half the reason why actors don’t go see other actors in shows is not due to lack of support but because we can’t afford to! Even theatres benefit from discounted tickets! Think of it this way, you can make 5 dollars or you can make 0 dollars. Now, I am not a mathematician, but I know from personal experience that I would rather have 5 dollars than 0!
In addition to the awesome benefits of being a member, there is the benefit of being a part of a community that shares the same passion as you. Rosina Whitfield, from Livestock Players, City Arts, and co-founder of Triad Theatre League, commented that one of the best things about the organization was everyone’s willingness to volunteer their time and talents. People stepped up to create websites, organize databases, plan events, manage memberships, and everything in between.

I think that is the something special about theatre. No one is in theatre because of the money, glory, or fame. We are all here because we have a desire to create. The Triad Theatre League is bringing together peoples desire to create, to create something bigger and better for the Triad Theatre community.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

 

For Ashley

Tonight we celebrated my friend Ashley’s 30th year in this world. Ashley is truly one of those people that everyone who knows her is better for it. I know I am. She has the most infectious laugh and her smile could light up the darkest of nights. She is God mother to my son. I can not imagine anyone else being there for him the way she is and will be. I know my son has so many people in his life who love him endlessly. We are both lucky that way. I chose Ashley because I know if anything happened to me, that she could be there not just for Eli, but for my family. I knew that her love for me and understanding of who I am was great enough that she could make sure that if I couldn’t be there for Eli, he would always know his mother. I know that my family would make sure of that too, but I knew Ashley could give him parts of my life that maybe my family couldn’t. She is an outside source who chose to love me.
I am so grateful for that love. I only hope that I can show her as much love as she has shown me.
I feel that way about all of my friends.
New and old, I feel so lucky to have people that are willing to share a part of their lives with me and are also willing to let me share with them. I heard something once that has always stuck with me. No one is truly their own person. We are all made up of the people that surround us. With that knowledge, I have always tried to surround myself with people I feel like make me the best version of myself.
One of those dear souls is Ashley. Thank you Ashley. For being a loving friend and an amazing person. Happy Birthday.

Stuck

UGH!

I am brain dead.

I don’t want to write about work and right now it is consuming my mind, and I am pissed! I want to be more than my job. Because it’s not work. I do what I do because I am good at it. Not because I am passionate about it. Please do not get me wrong. I LOVE my students, even the ones who drive me crazy. They are all light to me in some way or another.
My passion is creating. Even if it is just creating words in a blog that very few people read. It is a way to express myself.

So right now, I am stuck.

Stuck somewhere between my job and my love. What is so unsettling is that my job, on paper, looks like it should be in sync with my passions. On paper I teach theatre and direct school productions. It’s not real. There is no creativity involved. With out going into to much detail, there is no support. I get to teach something that I am passionate about. There is nothing better than when I see the same passion in a kids eyes that I have. The desire to want to make something they are proud of, something they use to express themselves. Those are the moments I treasure. The best is when it comes from students that I never thought it would come from. That ranks right up their with choreographing, performing, but mostly directing. All I can do is provide the support to these students that is not given to me.

That is where I will leave you tonight. Tomorrow I will wake, trying to support an ensemble. I wish I felt like I was not alone.

 

****UP DATE****
I would like to give credit to one of my co-workers. There has never been a moment that I have not felt supported by them. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they are not trying to micromanage me. They are not trying to manage me at all. They understand that this is a collaborative art and that all of the artistic team must respect each persons position.
Thank you. Now we need to get everyone else on board.

Randomness

We have a ceramic sleeping cat named Ruben. When Ruben came home for the first time our other cats were NOT HAPPY. They hissed and walked away from it for good hour and our big dog (Gwen) was scared of it. Every now and then when one of them has ticked me off, I will put it in front of the sliding glass door or near their food just to mess with them.

I drink WAY too much diet coke. I try to compensate by drinking a bottle of water for every diet coke I drink. I try, and I fail.

Red wine and diet orange soda. The low cal sangria. Try it!

I kind of hope that the “Call if you see suspicious activity” number (aka the “call if you see a minority” number) is really so we can create a list of racist. Lets be honest, if you think something might be wrong you are going to call 911, not homeland security.

My landlord is putting new siding on our house. This is great, but Noah forgot to tell me they were coming. So at 8:00 in the morning when they started banging on the side of our house, I was pretty sure we were being invaded by some other worldly creature like a giant. I would have gone with robber, but in my half asleep half trying to make since of everything I decided that a robber would not try to come in the side wall of the house. OBLIVIOUSLY the next logical jump is to giant.

Noah and I do voices for our pets. Like when they are doing something we will voice their inner monologue or what we think they would be saying if they would talk. For what ever reason, we have given Gwen the dumbest voice, but the best vocabulary.

When Eli and I get super tired, we will put our arm up in a last ditch effort to try not to fall asleep. I didn’t know hand raising was inherited.

Sunday we were playing Pictionary with my father in law. Noah drew a bird and a heart. My guess, bird love.

Life and more life

I’ve decided to change the subheading of my blog. The other just seemed a little pessimistic to me. Dealing with mortality is never an easy thing to do. If you ask someone if they are dying you tend to get one of two responses. Every now and then you get someone who is actively dying (HA!) but that question does not seem to come up when you are holding someone’s hand as they are taking their last breath. For the most part people respond with either,No! Do I look THAT bad?

Or

Well, we all die eventually.

The latter tend to be the people that have faced their mortality at some point in their lives. I’m not talking about the time your sister didn’t slowdown for that red light fast enough and you had to stop too fast. I’m actually not even talking about the folks who have been in horrible accidents and their life was almost taken away. I am not diminishing that type of trauma but what I know is different.

The type of people I am referring to, the type of person I am, is the type who must asses the fact that their life is going to end sooner than the average life span on a regular basis. Those who have to make a choice about if they can make a long term commitment because life is truly that uncertain for them.

If you didn’t know my circumstances you might label me a pessimist. I don’t feel like a pessimist. I feel like I am being honest with myself and those around me. I do not plan to die. I plan to live. But in an effort not just to live for me I feel like I must be honest with those around me. I feel like it’s selfish to form bonds with people and not let them know the…fine print.

The other things I tell them is that no one really knows much about my condition. Studies are being done all the time, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions. I plan to help answer them. But I also plan to create a lot more. I’m a rebel like that. I won’t stop either. I will always ask questions and I will always try to have an understanding of what I am going through both mentally and physically because that is important. You may not know why things are the way they are. And that’s okay. But don’t stop asking. Don’t stop fighting. Just because it has not been done doesn’t mean it can’t be. Don’t be complacent about your life. It’s not just yours. I feel like if you are lucky enough to share it with someone, then you are not fighting just for you. I fight for my husband, my son, my mother, my family, my friends, and my students everyday. To me, it’s worth it.

I am not a pessimist. I am an optimist living in a world of uncertainties.
P.S.- I get the feeling my tag may change many times before I find words that fit. Hang in there with me.

My promise

When I found out I was having a baby boy I was shocked. I don’t know why, but I was confident that he was a she. The thought of having a baby at all excited me, but for whatever reason was looking forward to having a girl. Not for all the typical reasons like cute bows, socks, shoes, dresses, hair styles and the like. It was partly because being a woman, I felt prepared to handle all the standard woman lessons. Mostly it was because I wanted to raise a strong woman. I was looking forward to creating a member of society that would show the world what gender equality really looked like.
And then I realized, I still can.
I will raise my son to have the understanding that he is no less than but no greater than anyone. That everyone should be treated with respect and kindness regarding their own person. He will know that his mommy worked while his daddy stayed home with him. That will never be abnormal. He will know that communication is pivotal in every situation and displaying your emotions does not make you a weak person. He will not be afraid to laugh. He will not be afraid to cry. He will know that no one should be able to tell you what to do in regards to your body. We will fight so that he has a positive body image. He will know that violence is not a go to response. He will play with dolls. He will play with trucks. We will visit fire stations, and go see ballets. We will build model cars, paint, play musical instruments, dress up in costumes, ANYTHING that makes him smile. He will play baseball and take tap class. He will not feel out of place in a room full of Men, Women, Blacks, Hispanics, Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, Straights, old people, young people, or any other characteristic that makes him different.
This is my promise. I will work as hard as I can to create a member of society that embodies equality.
To all my friends who attended Women Marches, in every city and state, I thank you. Eli thanks you. Please, continue the strength you showed on January 21, 2017. To steal some amazing words from an amazing writer “History has it’s eyes on you.”

I may have punched someone.

I learned something about myself today.

I think, OK I KNOW, I have anger issues. Not like I lash out, but more so that I keep it all bottled up and then I get put in a setting that I can let it out and…well….I punched a girl.

Here is what really happened. I have witnesses. I was in Zumba (I know, the 00’s called and they want their workout back. Much like the 80’s want that joke.) and the class was FULL! I managed to tuck myself in the back near the door so that the regulars could have their space.

I hear some of you jumping to conclusions. Stop it!

We got to a section of the dance and the instructor had incorporated some kick-boxing moves. We were all throwing punches right, then left, then upper cut, upper cut, to the beat of Latin music when a little blonde lady walks in. But she was behind me, so I did not see her.

Evidently, she was one of the regulars, with a “spot.”

Now keep in mind, it’s been a hell of a day. I feel like the red headed step child at work, and all day my bosses have been either ignoring me or short and bitter. Honestly, I am not sure which is worse. At this point I am trying hard to let go of the day

Now for those who are thinking “Oh my god, she beat the lady for a spot in Zumba?”, I did not.

I did, however, manage to clock her straight across the chest as she rushed by me for her spot in the front. In my defense, who the hell walks through a field of swinging fist! Someone who is asking to get punched in the chest. That’s who. I think what shocked me the most was how hard I was throwing punches. I didn’t even know I was swinging that hard, but I hurt my fist. I tried to apologize, but she would not even look me in the face. I honestly feel bad. I feel bad because at that moment I realized 2 things. 1, I hurt someone and 2, that I am in serious need of an outlet. Because it felt good. Not to hurt someone! But to be so lost in something that I am unaware of what I am capable of.

And then I realized that I have these outlets, I just need to utilize them. I have dance, I have performing, I have directing, I have this, and I am truly grateful. I feel like I am a better person when I am doing what I feel like I am good at. I just need to stick to my guns. Which is hard. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Knowing you are good at something is not wrong. Know your strengths. Know your weaknesses.

I am not sure this really makes much sense. All I know is I refuse to let someone take away what little confidence I have managed to sweep together. So look out. I’m swinging hard.

Baby Toys

OK, I DON’T GET IT!

Why must there be some “Gah Gah Gu Gu” name for every baby toy on the market?! Why can we not just call things what they are?
My sons pacifier with a stuffed animal attached, Wubanub! And the pillow he leans on when I feed him, a Boppy  (I spelled this wrong the first 6 times I wrote this!). The best is the seat that he used when he could not sit up by him self, Bumbo! You had better believe I got that one wrong about 100 times. Forever he was sitting in his “bimbo”, which then just makes me look like a bad parent. Who gets his infant son a bimbo? The best was when the “bimbo” was “in the car”! You know I got the sideways eye from more than one person in that restaurant.
I do realize that most of these are brand names (and if I was a more important writer, I would be getting sued) but never the less, I look like a crazy trying to get my son set up to get his bottle and then have his pacifier after.