Sometimes I feel like I cannot breathe. Like there is an elephant standing on me. Recently, she has been bringing her little mouse friend who feels like he is trying to stab his way out from the inside.
Sometimes things happen that make the elephant visit. Someone will say something hurtful, I will over exert myself, or something will happen that reminds me of something else bad that happened. All of these serve as an engraved invitations for the elephant to take up residency.
Sometimes my elephant shows up unannounced. I can be playing a game, sitting with my son, or even asleep, and all of a sudden I am now sharing space with my elephant friend.
I call her my friend because I do not think she has ill intentions. She is trying to help me cope with whatever is going on. She just happens to be really bad at it. I would tell her to go away, but to me, that’s rude. If she thought I would be okay, I think she would leave. Not only that, but elephants do not do things quickly. Or if they do, there tends to be a lot of trampling involved. Sometimes these visits last days. Sometimes only a few hours.
As of now, I have inflated the air mattress.
I am now getting some space and although she is not currently on my chest she is still snuggling close. Thinking of her as an elephant makes things just a little easier at times. In moments like this. When I am able to make sense of things and am not running around trampling my own life.
I try to hold on to these moments. Make sure my loved ones know how much I love them and that I am doing what I can. My biggest fear is that one day I will be outed for the true unstable person I am. That I will not be good enough for the love I am so lucky to receive. My anxiety makes my life hard. But I know that I would not be who I am with out it. It constantly pushing me to be better than who I was yesterday. Even if better only means that I breathe a little deeper. It forces me to be creative so that I don’t get lost in the obstacles life seems to throw at me like a vengeful dodge ball player.
For this moment, my elephant is asleep. I think I will follow suit with hopes that maybe she will find her way out sooner than later.