I learned something about myself today.
I think, OK I KNOW, I have anger issues. Not like I lash out, but more so that I keep it all bottled up and then I get put in a setting that I can let it out and…well….I punched a girl.
Here is what really happened. I have witnesses. I was in Zumba (I know, the 00’s called and they want their workout back. Much like the 80’s want that joke.) and the class was FULL! I managed to tuck myself in the back near the door so that the regulars could have their space.
I hear some of you jumping to conclusions. Stop it!
We got to a section of the dance and the instructor had incorporated some kick-boxing moves. We were all throwing punches right, then left, then upper cut, upper cut, to the beat of Latin music when a little blonde lady walks in. But she was behind me, so I did not see her.
Evidently, she was one of the regulars, with a “spot.”
Now keep in mind, it’s been a hell of a day. I feel like the red headed step child at work, and all day my bosses have been either ignoring me or short and bitter. Honestly, I am not sure which is worse. At this point I am trying hard to let go of the day
Now for those who are thinking “Oh my god, she beat the lady for a spot in Zumba?”, I did not.
I did, however, manage to clock her straight across the chest as she rushed by me for her spot in the front. In my defense, who the hell walks through a field of swinging fist! Someone who is asking to get punched in the chest. That’s who. I think what shocked me the most was how hard I was throwing punches. I didn’t even know I was swinging that hard, but I hurt my fist. I tried to apologize, but she would not even look me in the face. I honestly feel bad. I feel bad because at that moment I realized 2 things. 1, I hurt someone and 2, that I am in serious need of an outlet. Because it felt good. Not to hurt someone! But to be so lost in something that I am unaware of what I am capable of.
And then I realized that I have these outlets, I just need to utilize them. I have dance, I have performing, I have directing, I have this, and I am truly grateful. I feel like I am a better person when I am doing what I feel like I am good at. I just need to stick to my guns. Which is hard. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Knowing you are good at something is not wrong. Know your strengths. Know your weaknesses.
I am not sure this really makes much sense. All I know is I refuse to let someone take away what little confidence I have managed to sweep together. So look out. I’m swinging hard.