I’ve decided to change the subheading of my blog. The other just seemed a little pessimistic to me. Dealing with mortality is never an easy thing to do. If you ask someone if they are dying you tend to get one of two responses. Every now and then you get someone who is actively dying (HA!) but that question does not seem to come up when you are holding someone’s hand as they are taking their last breath. For the most part people respond with either,No! Do I look THAT bad?
Well, we all die eventually.
The latter tend to be the people that have faced their mortality at some point in their lives. I’m not talking about the time your sister didn’t slowdown for that red light fast enough and you had to stop too fast. I’m actually not even talking about the folks who have been in horrible accidents and their life was almost taken away. I am not diminishing that type of trauma but what I know is different.
The type of people I am referring to, the type of person I am, is the type who must asses the fact that their life is going to end sooner than the average life span on a regular basis. Those who have to make a choice about if they can make a long term commitment because life is truly that uncertain for them.
If you didn’t know my circumstances you might label me a pessimist. I don’t feel like a pessimist. I feel like I am being honest with myself and those around me. I do not plan to die. I plan to live. But in an effort not just to live for me I feel like I must be honest with those around me. I feel like it’s selfish to form bonds with people and not let them know the…fine print.
The other things I tell them is that no one really knows much about my condition. Studies are being done all the time, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions. I plan to help answer them. But I also plan to create a lot more. I’m a rebel like that. I won’t stop either. I will always ask questions and I will always try to have an understanding of what I am going through both mentally and physically because that is important. You may not know why things are the way they are. And that’s okay. But don’t stop asking. Don’t stop fighting. Just because it has not been done doesn’t mean it can’t be. Don’t be complacent about your life. It’s not just yours. I feel like if you are lucky enough to share it with someone, then you are not fighting just for you. I fight for my husband, my son, my mother, my family, my friends, and my students everyday. To me, it’s worth it.
I am not a pessimist. I am an optimist living in a world of uncertainties.
P.S.- I get the feeling my tag may change many times before I find words that fit. Hang in there with me.