Challenged accepted!

I have been feeling a bit egotistical lately. I’m not sure that is the right word, but all of my posts have been about me and my little world. Granted, they (who ever “they” are) say you should write what you know. All I know is my own world, my own experiences. At some point I will have to come to terms with the fact that if I am going to write a blog, I am going to be writing about myself.
It has made me want to go on more adventures. It’s like a throw down between me and…well, I don’t know but I feel challenged. I mean not that kind of challenged. Although I am sure I am a little bit of both. Anyway, I feel the pressing urgency to try things I haven’t done or at least do more things I enjoy.
Part of the reason this is so difficult is sometimes it is hard to get up the energy to even do the bare minimum that I need to do each day. Some days, I fight to find motivation to move. I know we all do, but there are some days I can’t help it. Some days my mind is ready. My body is not. It is just one of the many lovely effects of PNH. Other days my mind is what holds me back. I want to crawl under the covers and be left alone. I don’t want anyone. Not my students, not my friends, not my husband, and worst of all, I don’t want my baby. The anxiety is so great that I feel like no matter what I do, I will let them down. So better not to try. Right? (Dear God, please tell me I am not the only one who has ever felt this way.) It is a horrible circle of feeling like I can’t handle the world, then feeling like a failure for not handling the world.
This is when I have to tell myself that depression lies. I have to forgive myself. I DO want my baby! I DO want my husband! There is a part of me that knows better than to listen to all the horrible things that try to fight their way to the front of my mind. It is the part of me that knows how amazing life can be. It is the part of me that knows life is for living and knows that it is okay to feel sad sometimes because this too will pass.It is the part of me that knows that I should take the days that are not sad and live them to the fullest.
I want to live life as fully as possible when I can and embrace when I cannot. If for no other reason than I feel challenged! (Dang it! You know that I mean!)


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