Have you ever said something and then wish you could take it back?
It’s hard. The damage is done. Sure, we may be able to move on but that crack will always live in the foundation. Sometimes cracks need to happen.
I mean, structurally there is no need for them. But sometimes it takes a crack to remind you that the nothing is permanent. If you want something to continue to exist, it takes work and effort. Sometimes we grow complaisant on our foundation and a crack serves as a reminder that we cannot only rely on what is there. There are things that are out of our control that create shifts in the foundation. Those are easy to spot and the work that is required is not as hidden as that cracks we create.
I will spend my entire life creating cracks and doing all I can to fix them.
I love the thrill of the unfamiliar!
Please understand, in my day to day life I crave structure. Routine helps me feel normal in my extremely unstable life. Sometimes we just need a break to remind us that we should do more than just be. We should also do.
I use to have a bucket list, then that got way to sad. Then I had a 30 things to do before I was 30 list. What I found out while trying to cross off everything on that list is that sometimes there are things in life that are way more exciting that are not on the list. I would miss them because I was so desperately trying to do what I set out to do. So I stopped living by the list and started living. Now I travel, even to near by cities to do things I have never done. Like attend a book signing by my favorite author. Or go to a city that I have never been to just because it was a great deal on Groupon and I needed a Spring Break get away that was not at the beach. Because we all know that the beach is going to be LOADED with drunk college kids and I am not about that life!
We all have control over what our story is going to be. Some people will have a story that is straight and to the point. Some may stray off the point for a little while but come around in the end. Some may feel like they have lost control of their story and let someone else tell it although they will never get it right. I will tell my story. It will be one of adventures, big and small. It will be filled with tears and laughter and questions that no one will be able to answer. It will be an epic, because I will make it that way.
I am excited to get away. But more over, I am excited to try something new so that I can create one more moment of my story.
It’s super windy tonight. It feels like it should storm. I love a good storm.
Today has been a trial. I feel like so many days are recently. Things are never quite as hard as I anticipate. But then something that I don’t anticipate being difficult, becomes harder than rock climbing. I know someone is reading this and saying “I am super good at rock climbing!” Well good for you! I am not!
Have you ever been just waiting for a turn on a busy street and a car goes racing by you and your car kind of waves a little in the wind. At least mine does. You never know what car or truck is going to being going just the right speed to create that rocking motion, but when it does, it can be unnerving. For a split second you think that your car might just tip over. Only for a second. You are able to dismiss it quickly because you know that it would take a lot more than a speeding car to knock over your car. But that moment of doubt can be scary. What’s worse is when it happens repeatedly. Your car never tips over but the shaking, get to be more and more unsettling. You know that you will turn the corner and the flow of traffic will return to normal, but sometimes it is easy to only feel to whip of the wind.
Or as it is also lovingly know wi-fi. This makes blogging a challenge. In case you have not noticed from other phone made posts, auto correct is not my friend. I am convinced it is because my fingers are too fat to hit the correct letters but sometime I think my phone is just truly out to make me look like an idiot. Either way, I will leave my posting with just this small piece of advice:
never take laxatives and sleeping pills at the same time.
I have a spoon that I use for my students
You stole that spoon when you took away my authority in an effort to be their buddy making me the enemy. Now they respect neither one of us.
I have a spoon that I use for my artistic outlets.
You stole that when you told me what I was doing was not up to your standards but were unable to articulate what those standards were.
I have a spoon that I use to balance my emotions.
You stole that spoon with your drive by meetings filled with all the things I am not doing right. You have the time to tell me “I don’t have time to tell you all the things that are right.” So why don’t you stop telling me that and tell me one thing I am doing right. But I don’t think you can. After many mini-breakdowns over your lack of support, I have come to the conclusion that it is not my fault. I have stopped expecting anything positive from you.
I have a spoon I use to support my family.
You stole that spoon when you decided to hold my paycheck until I set up a meeting with you. Be honest, we had a meeting time. You messed up and then made it my job to set another time.You are the one who messed up. You should be the one who fixes it. Don’t put your mess-ups on to someone. That is rude.
I have a spoon I use for my son.
You steel that spoon every time you send me into a room filled with people who you know are sick. You knew the day you hired me the stipulations surrounding my health and yet you send me into the battle field anyway and wonder why I get shot. Selfishly, you see it as a day you have to find some one to fill in, a day I’m not there doing the work that you are so unenthused by. On a real level, you have stolen that spoon from my son. That is the end.
I will get my spoons back. It may take me a while but I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people who love and care about me and my family. It will take time, but I will get new ones. You can keep the ones you stole. I don’t want them back.
Let me make one thing very clear,
you will never steal from me again.
Its time to be honest. I am at one of my lowest of lows. I will spend every ounce of being in public looking like I am OK so if you see me, don’t ask, because that is even more wasted energy that makes me have to cover up the face that I am not ok.
And I’m not ok.
Will I be?… hells yeah…does is seem like it right now?… well yeah, but it feels like it is going to be harder than I think it is going to be. Things are always worse in your mind than they are in your really life. Right now it feels like the end. Right now I want to throw my hands up and say I don’t care about the students, I don’t care about what their mommies want, if they really want me, they will figure out you have been through 3 theatre teachers this year alone!
But I digress. I have to hold on to what I know is true. That my students love me, that they would care if I was not there. Some I don’t think would bat an eye. And that’s fine with me! But others would really wonder what could have been….I have to hang on to kids, to moments like those.
ok now i have to go be sick…..
I am trapped in that space between almost better but could use another day. But then in my own little world where I feel like you can’t get something for nothing will for ever be wondering what I owed for this glorious day. The last time I got excited about a day off I got this heaping load of crap so that will show me now won’t it.
Either way I don’t have much to say. I have not really been past my bed room wall except to some cherroies and water…you know….the necessities. I am planing on taking the day by storm tomorrow. Mainly because I am going to be a storm of coughing and congestion, but somehow I will get through this. I wish it would storm that would be so much more fitting but no….it going to be like 70 and sunny. Any other day of the week I would hop on that and be so excited but right now, I just want to nuzzle under some 50 degree fog…ya know.
Ok clearly time for bed.
There is nothing worse than seeing life go on past and around you and you cannot be a part of it.
I have nothing to offer at the moment. Just a silly quip, a thank you, I will try to do that, lets talk, but people have better things to than talk to a sick person and I understand that. I hate being sick. I know that a stupid statement, everyone does. I mean just middle of the road sick. Because then, I am alone. Then I am not spoken to for hours and it seems normal. It happens when I am in the hospital too, but if I strike up a convo, at least sometimes someone will talk to me. But now, they have 100 other things to take care of and I am just left to not only fend for myself but not bother them as well. I feel like a bother.
And maybe I am! You know, those people at hospitals are paid to care of me. They do more than care but they come around about every hour to see if you need food juice anything. And they just check in to let you know they are there. They are professional sick people checkers or as they like to be called nurses. I personally like mine better.
Here is what it boils down to. I am miserable. I cannot hold my Eli. I have seen my mother once and my Noah maybe 3 times. So on top of being sick, I am just lonely. I think the saying needs to be changed.
Misery need company to swing by and let it know that it still loves it, despite its current state.
I am clearly needy right now and am on WAY to may decongestants.
I think some people thought I was saying that Noah was not taking very good care of me. He was doing the best he knows how. He was the baby of his family. He never had to take care of sick siblings. And even when I am sick, most of the time there are people who are there to take care of the medical things and he takes care of the philological side. And then we get a third party who helps making sure that the ever revolving world goes on with out us. But sometimes that is harder than others.Noah is an amazing Father, a great Son, a loyal friend. and above all he is my superhero! We created a super hero name for you, I remember….so much is a blur now. But if I can ever get in to that computer and get to that tool bar, we are going to have it. If now…we start from scratch. We know so much more than we knew then!
I like the simple, little, quirky things in life. It really is the small things that make me happy. This seems like an odd statement for someone who has depression. But when I am not drowning in my own self pity and grasping at a life preserver that feels like it keeps getting harder and harder to reach, the wink of my puppies eye can make my day. Part of that is because I feel like she has control of it and there is meaning behind her winks which makes me slightly petzy. (That is a word I just made up for those who are pet crazy. Ex. Me) The larger part is that I have worked very hard to surround myself with things and people that make me happy.
Today, we had Sunday lunch. It reminded me of the Sunday lunches we use to have at Grandmom’s growing up. I always loved it. It was just enough time with family that I knew how much I loved them, and how happy I was to go home to my only child-dom. Today there was all of the love with out any of the desire to lock myself in my room all alone after. If anything it invigorated me. It gave me that reminder that I love surrounding my self with happy. I spent the remainder of the afternoon cleaning and getting my Florida room and deck ready for summer. There is still work to be done, but I am so excited about how nice it can be, and how nice it will be to have people over.
I also know that if nothing happens, if all my plans fall through, if the big stuff never happens, that those who love me will still be here. They will be at my door with food and smiles and games and love. They will not care if the hot tub is clean or if the lights are hung. They will sit with me and have tea. They will watch episodes of stupid TV or bad movies. The will come over in PJ’s and not judge me for where I am in my life. As those small things start to stack up, I am able to have those moments of happy. Those small wins that even at my lowest moments, I cannot deny.
It may seem odd, but I love lightning. It is the simple things that crack the dark skies like lightning. The lightning may be hard to appreciate and may only seem like brief moments of light. When lightning strikes water it disperses. It is beautiful to look at and does not tend to cause harm. But have you ever seen what happens to sand when it is hit by lightning? I’m not talking about like in Sweet Home Alabama when he plants the rods and makes that glass sculptures. I’m talking about when it hits sand that has not had the heads up of a rod being stuck in it.
It’s amazing! The sand rises up and forms this hollow glass/sand/coral thing that is absolutely stunning. You can’t see the beauty in the dark of the storm. The beauty of the lightning may seem brief, fleeting, and slightly scary. However, when the sand is set up just right and the lightning is strong enough, the most beautiful things can occur.
I have had one to many beers, way too many chocolate covered espresso beans, and may have just hugged a stranger.
In my defense, it was because i wanted him to know how much I enjoyed his performance. That’s normal….right?