The Eye of The Hurricane

I am afraid I am lapsing again. Maybe not. Maybe this time won’t be as bad as some of my other times. There have just been a couple of small breakdowns, or as I like to call them mini-meltdowns, that truly come out of nowhere. Not that they are not motivated by something. I very rarely have spontaneous melt downs. There is always a cause. I am just never quite sure what the cause will be. Which makes it super fun for my family and those around me. All of a sudden, I am crying because I don’t want a sandwich for dinner but earlier I thought I might be losing my job and was TOTALLY okay with that. There is absolutely no logic to it and that just pisses me off to no end!
I do try to make sure that those around me are at least aware of how I am feeling so that when I do break down they are not totally in the dark. As hard as it is to explain, I at least try to give them the heads up that something is wrong. There is often nothing they can do to fix it other than to keep loving me. That is honestly the best thing anyone can do for me ever.
When I think about my fathers instability, I remember thinking “How does he not know that he is wrecking the lives of others around him?”. I fear that sometimes that is the only difference between us. I may not be able to control my circumstances, but I do try to be honest with my self and with those who are directly effected. Even if all I can manage to get out is, “I hear how ridiculous I sound, I just cannot do anything to stop it right now.”
I feel bad. Sometimes I wait to write only in moments of pure lucidity. I hope one day I can be brave and write what it feels like in the middle of the storm. Right now I know, I am in the eye of the hurricane. All is quiet and peaceful, but it will not last.


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