Still Here

I am still quite far gone and as my mother said – I should not be posting after so much medication. I am not sure if I care what she, or anyone thinks, medication or not. I did not start this so that I can make pretty words. If that was the point, I messed that up before I even started. I’m not sure I was ever taught pretty words.

Anyway, I still feel awful. I am either on medication and asleep. Or not on them and slightly lucid and in pain. I cannot turn my head or lift my arm above my head. I most definitely cannot hold my son. And he has no clue why. He just sees his mommy walking through kissing on him loving him and holding his hands to his side so that he won’t touch her. I pray that’s not his first memory. It is times like this that I will work hard to make sure that there are plenty of other amazing memories. Not spoil him. But spoil him with love. If that’s a thing. Then yes, my son will be spoiled in love.

Tomorrow I have to go into work. It will just be for an hour an a half so it really will not be long. My head is starting to be ready to go back to work. Now if I can just get my body there. I think I can handle this. I wish I had support at work. Let me rephrase that, I wish I had support at every aspect of my work. But that is neither here nor there.

What matters at the moment is that I am alive with my family and those I love. That is a win if there ever was one. Even if it costs me all the spoons for the rest of the month, I will hand them over. I am still here.


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