Tata for now!

I am sure there are things that I should have done but they will have to wait. I have promised Eli my time. You can have what is mine but this is his. I gave it to him and I refuse to take it back. I will be back soon, I promise. Gone just long enough to remind my son that he comes first.

I will write this week. Just not as much. And only once he does not need me.


Flower Bud

Today was another day of celebration, big crowds, and lots of nerves.

Today’s nerves were different. Today’s required medication. Not to say that I did not enjoy myself. But I was being thrown into a situation where I knew maybe 4 people (I was wrong, I only new 2 1/2 counting Eli), a lot of beer, and none of it was mine. If I had known I could have medicated that way…well…I honestly don’t know which is better. But I do know which is faster. And which makes for a better day.
I was able to focus on the good and tune out the things that made me anxious or unsure. There were times I felt like I was back in college and I was just trying to fit in. Then other times I felt like I was back at square one and trying to impress the in laws again. Either way, it was exhausting. So when Eli needed a nap, I happily volunteered as tribute to lay with him. Nothing like a snuggle with someone who loves you for exactly who you are to make you realize that nothing else in the world matters. So from then on out it was smooth sailing. Literally. We had dinner, opened more presents, said goodbye to some folks and then we were off on the ship for sunset. It was perfection.

I am so lucky to have a son and a husband who see me. They see who I can be and who I was but they also see who I am in that moment and they love me just as much in that moment as in any other moment. I am theirs and they are mine. We are our own tiny family. With enough love to share with anyone who will share with us! But I still love my flower bud family.

Mommy worries

So I am slightly worried that I may have ruined my Eli’s 1st Birthday by breaking up the cake so he can eat it instead of letting him struggle with it and the icing and start crying like I was afraid he was about too. What do you think?

Birthday Smash

Yes… this is a real question despite the cute picture of the not unhappy baby!

Family First

Tonight I put my family first.

I always want to put them first. I love them most. I just don’t always know how to show them. So I will tonight. By going to sleep so that I can be there tomorrow for them on a day of joy and celebration.

Tonight, by sleeping, I put my family first.

I need a writer!

Thank you for making time for the theatrical arts today. I know it is the end of the school year and that can be a crazy time for every teacher!
I have to thank Darrel, Ms. Carter, Ms, Farlow, Ms. Howell, Ms. Jane, and Ms. Foster who have all been so supportive and welcoming as I have tried to find my way here.
Today you will be seeing 2 short shows. First up will be Troy, presented by my advanced theatre class. This class has worked so hard this semester not just to present the performance you will see here today, but you will also see their work in props and costume pieces in the lower schools production. In addition, this class also was selected to attend a live performance of Beauty and the Beast. Then asked to asses the production from an audience members point of view. They have been very busy!
After the performance of Troy, we will have a short, stand up, shake down, 120 second section of the show where we switch, swivel, and scuttle to show you a shiny new set for a show we call “The Stinky Cheese Man, and Other Fairy Silly Tales” brought to you by your very own 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders!
So sit back relax and enjoy our shows!


Good work

I can’t talk much tonight.

I did not sleep much last night and I have a lot of work to.

The good news is that the work I have, the stress I feel, is work and stress that I have put on myself. It is because I feel like I stand a chance to do something that makes a difference. I feel like the work I do matters. That feeling is amazing.

So for the next 2 days it will be pep-talks, mantras, and affirmations. That and lots of pictures of cute animals and funny YouTube videos.

Magic Mum

Eli turned 1!

Yep. My baby is 1. I have very mixed feelings about it. Part of me feels like he has been here forever and I struggle to remember life before him. And then someday I don’t get food on me or smacked in the face or the port and I remember the good old days.

But regardless, I love watching him grow and learn. Everyone keeps telling me, don’t rush it, you won’t get that time back. And I realize that. But I love going on those adventures with him. I love watching him find new things. And there will always be something new. Yes, it will get harder to find something new. And I know, there will be a time when I know nothing and he knows everything. And I am not in any hurry to get there. Right now I am still “Magic Mum” who can hug a boo boo all better and teach him how to crawl, cruise, and “flap flap”. But I love discovering and learning things just as much as he does. He is my connection to my continued education and I love it. My desire to stay magic makes me push myself to learn all I can so I can help him. Right now it’s small stuff. But it’s only going to get bigger. And I want to be armed and ready to the best of my ability.

So don’t worry  little 1 year old. Magic Mum is not going anywhere for quite a while!

For Hobbes

I am afraid I have lost a friend.

I know I should know if I have lost a friend or not but this friend is not like other friends.

Hobbes was the first pet I got after my divorce. In a way he kind of liberated me. He was my first roommate in my new apartment and for a while we were just that. Roommates. But we grew on each other. He was a rescue so I never knew how old he was but I knew he was not a kitten. However he still had his moments of kitten energy.
One night I was laying on my pull out sofa bed, in my one room basement flat, crying, wondering what I had done to my life, when a storm knocked out all the electricity. I was convinced my life had truly become one of the tragic short stories where somehow the woman dies because she has no more will to live. When out of no where this four legged animal goes leaping over my bed with a loud “MEOW”!  I had forgotten I even had a cat much less known that he was capable of leaping over sofa beds in a single bound! I have laughed so hard that the lady next door had to bang on the wall to tell me to shut up. From then on we had new respect for one another. He moved from place to place with me. Loved love, and more over loved Eli more than I have ever seen a cat love any baby.

This is why I am afraid that he has not just run away. I am afraid that he has gone to a better place. A cat carnival, if you will, where he can show off all day long and they will feed him Cheerios (one of his favorites) and pet him to his hearts content. I will always hold out hope you will come home. You will always be loved Hobblet, Hobbes Cat, CAT, El Tiggre, Hobbes.

Two Against One

I lost a battle today for the first time in a long while. Not to say that I have not had my random spikes, some smaller than others, but I could handle them fairly quickly with either a nice deep breath or a small dose of my medication. I feel like these were easier to deal with because they were either situational predisposed panic attacks or unexpected panic attacks. Basically either I see it coming or I don’t but either way I know the right way to combat it.
But what happened today was they both got me at once. This does not happen very often but when it does, it is hard to stop it. Basically as I fight to go with the flow, taking control over myself because I am the one thing I can control, I realize how little control I have over what I can do in the situation and I start to panic again. It sounds like an Abbot and Costello routine. But it’s not. It’s my life. And when you are fighting back tears and trying to find air you struggle to find the joke too.
I won’t go into details of what happened or how quickly things spiraled out of control because there is no sense in reliving something that was difficult for me. Mainly because, it may not be difficult for you and this is not a competition. Or you will feel bad for me and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me either.
The ONLY reason I share is for those who are looking for someone like them. Someone who struggles in situations that others might not. If that is you, this post is for you.
I share for those of you who feel like you are alone in your struggles of anxiety that comes FROM NOWHERE and when you try to explain, finding words is damn near impossible. If that is you, than this post is for you.
I share for those who never let there anxiety keep them from doing what they love and fight through the situations with the help of friends, loved ones, medication, and totems that help make them stronger, get them further, and make them better. If that is you, than this post is for you.

Now, I have hot wings and a coloring book with my name on it. What are you going to do tonight?