Embarrassed

Tonight when I left rehearsal I was sick. Like so sick I could not finish what I should have. This is not like me. Normally, I am a rock who will just push though whatever or find time to make it happen or make her self clear enough to make it happen. Regardless – none of those things happened tonight. My cast needed me to run a number with them because for whatever reason, the direction I had given was not making sense, and I couldn’t.
All day I have been fighting exhaustion. I just kept thinking that I would wake up or something. I have had roughly 4 shots of espresso and 2 red bull and I was still nodding off. Now the nausea has set in. More than anything I am mad at myself. Mad that I cannot keep it in check. Mad that I do not have more control. Embarrassed that more than my voice is cracking now. I think I am cracking too.

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