My brain is all over the place.
I keep Dove chocolate by the bed because due to my PNH my mouth bleeds and I wake up with a horrible taste in my mouth. Chocolate fixes that. But last night I unwrapped one but fell asleep mid-unwrap. I woke up and was like “Shit. Noah, I dropped a chocolate in bed. Help me find it.” And I am pretty sure he either was pissed I woke him for something so stupid or thought it was the worst dream game of hide and seek ever but either way, we looked for a minute and could not find it. That was until Gwen joined us and I saw her licking her paw. At first she looked like she had hurt herself. Then I realized she had found my chocolate. Not only found it but had been laying in it and had it on her chest and paw.
Today has been so busy I just looked over and realized she still has some on her chest because I never cleaned her off.
I managed to accurately call two people classless today. Because that’s what they are and that is what their actions were. I can feel fairly certain that if they were to confront me that I would tell them to their face that they were classless. One of them would care. The other would not. I am weird with confrontation. Sometimes I am great, sometimes I cry.
On the home from rehearsal I thought I saw a sign that said “Live Lemurs in Concert!” I got super excited. I thought like it would be an expo where they would just let the Lemurs out and the people could just be chillin with the Lemurs while music played. Then I realized it was for a band called “The Lemiers” (?) and I got disappointed.
Now I’m going to eat Cookout. Some people drink, some people eat Cookout. I do both.
I had to stop myself from making this a BookFace (what I call FaceBook) post. Mainly because I would have to make everything cryptic and here I can say what I want, share it on BookFace and those who read it will have a new understand of life and those who don’t will just move on with their lives never seeing things in this new light.
At least not on this issue.
That really has to do with only a select few.
Regardless, commitment means something to me. It means a lot. I guess it is because after I got so sick I realized how quickly things could just slip away from you. Things became so chaotic that I came to value the constant. I began to value the routine. I know that every week I went in for treatment. Every other week was lab work and some weeks were transfusions and although that was a toss-up I could plan for that toss-up so it was okay. Along with that appreciation of routine came gratitude for those who were willing to make commitments. There are many different levels of commitment. I am not just talking about the extreme commitment that Noah has made. Even those who have made 5 and 6 week commitments to productions. I appreciate that. I value that. That means something to me. You are making a commitment to me and therefore you have earned my respect and I expect the same in return. How else can a commitment work? Can you commit to something or someone you don’t respect or believe in? If not, then why are you here? Once you have commitment to something there is no turning back. That goes for breaking a commitment to someone, or me, as well.
This brings me to my next point. If you are going to burn a bridge, you had better be prepared for what’s coming. I have walked away from past employers with that bridge fully in flames. To be 100% honest, the match was set as much on their end as on mine but that is fine by me. I am committed to the fact that I will never work there again. That I will never refer anyone to them. That I will never suggest anyone send their child for any kind of education what so ever. And if they ask me why, I will give a list of reasons so long it would make Michael Jackson look like teacher of the year. I am committed to this bridge going up in flames!
But DO NOT light a match when you think no one is looking and then run away. Someone saw you. And someone told me. All of us who are committed to being directors, we all talk to one another. We may not always like one another, and we have our differences of opinions. But lets get one thing very clear, we respect one another. We are committed to be taken seriously and to do so, we must have the respect of our peers. Just like you must. Because if you are going to burn that bridge, you are going to need someone to help you rebuild it. And if you abandon an ensemble. If you just walk away for no reason, for another show, no peer is going to respect you. How do they know you have committed to their ensemble. So with no fellow actors to help you rebuild and no bridges, you are left alone. All because of a lack of commitment.
Figure it out.
Commit to something.
I have had it with being happy. I am not one to be negative but I cannot be happy any more. I will strive to see that positive in the situation as in “She is still breathing” but I am not going to be happy that that is even a question. I did not know that one had to be happy about being alive. I just kind of thought it was one of the perks of being a person. Like, it was a positive thing if you were alive, it was negative if you were dead. This is where the sad comes in. It’s not negative to recognize that there are some situations that are not positive. It’s reality. And sometimes, reality is negative. It is a sad thing when your friends and family are not there to be with you when you want and need them to be. When they should be because there is no other reason on God’s green earth why they should not be with you right now. When you cannot see them. When you don’t know when and if you will get to see them again. When they are slipping into the negative. How do you stay afloat? How do you hold your head above water and watch as they struggle. Or worse still not even watch them first hand, you have to hear about it. How they cannot even breath on their own. And you start to wonder if you can either.
I don’t even make sense anymore.
I wake up and eat crackers to stop myself from crying.
I am jealous of those who are laughing.
I wonder why she didn’t call me sooner?
What if she does not love me as much as I love her?
How can I never have been through this before? Am I doing it right? Why does it seem like everyone around me is an expert and I am some ignorant novice.
Every time someone touches me I have to fight back tears.
I think I have told more lies in the past 72 hours than possibly in my adult life.
It’s such a cliche, but I keep thinking it’s all a bad dream. I don’t think I have been this afraid of anything sense having Eli. Even then, I was in control, as much as one can be of a situation like that. I remember being terrified. The nurses would come in and tell me that I could do anything. They made me feel like I was invincible. I need them again. How selfish is that? She is the one struggling, and I am the one needing the pep-talk.
I do remember this from all my visits to the hospital pre-Eli, in the moment, there is very little fear. It is when you have time to think about it that fear arises. When I asked her if she was scared she said no, just annoyed. And I believe her. Because she had only been there a few hours. They had not started the test. They had not transferred her. They had not started all the other things that have lead her to where she is now. If she had known then that this is what was coming, I think she would have been horrified. But being in it, it is hard, but it can be harder for those watching helplessly on the sidelines. And I need to try to remember that. That she is sedated and feels very little, if anything. Meanwhile, those of us who love her feel every time her little toe cramps.
I cannot be happy, I do not have the energy anymore. But I will be positive. For her. And for those closer to her than Me.
…I learned from Bambi.
I don’t want to write.
Like Thumper said “if you don’t have anything nice to say you should not say anything at all.”
The only nice thing I have to say is that I love my family. So there. I love my family.
Did you ever play the floor is lava when you were little? Some mornings I wake up and I feel like I am back in my youth, playing that game. Only it’s not just the floor, it’s life. And it’s not as cute. Because it’s not a game.
I wish I had known how true that was going to be today. There was no amount of Xanax that could have prepped me for the events that unfolded today.
I have gotten use to handling things that happen to me. I mean, we all deal with our own stuff in our own way. Although we never truly get use to life’s curve balls, we at least start learning how to handle them. It is when they happen to someone else that we all of a sudden feel powerless. I am used to being the one who has to stay strong for everyone when it comes to me. I feel people get that crack in their voice when they hear that I have to undergo chemo. The tear well up when they find out I was only 24 when I was diagnosed. The head shake when they learn that this is something I will always fight. I can be strong for them.
But I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking about what I would want people to do for me and I honestly don’t know.
– I don’t want someone to act like it’s the end
– I don’t want someone to act like it’s no big deal
– I don’t want someone to dote on me
– I DON’T want to entertain someone
– I don’t want you to leave so quickly
– I don’t want you to talk about me like I am not there
– Don’t send me a text asking “How am I feeling”? “Perfect! Wonderful! Great! The Hospital is lovely this time of year!”
– Bring me something. Hospitals suck. I want to look at something other than a blank wall. Color me a picture. Get me a stuffed animal. Get a balloon. HOSPITALS SUCK.
So I’m not ready, but I am ready, to go catch this curve ball. If nothing else, to smile, play games and make things better…
if I can…
I am having to make this post on my phone so it’s going to be super short because basically, I make enough grammatical errors on my own. I do not need assistance from my phone.
So good night internet. Maybe tomorrow I will have better luck with wi-fi (or as I call it we-fee).
Sometimes I have to hold things upside down to see the answers.
It’s hard to do, but I know the answer is always there. Right now, I am working on a project and the things I thought would be simple are proving to be more difficult and the things that I thought I would be struggling through, I am sailing through.
I have this idea, and I feel like it is only half baked but it’s dinner time. Tell me what you think.
The division between our country feels like it is something we have never experienced. We feel as though there is one side and then there is another and there is no such thing as a middle ground. Everyone’s political representative is obnoxious so no one is listening to the heart of the matter. Which, in my mind, is that a wealthy, tyrannical, mad man is trying to run our county into the ground. Now, anyone who speaks against him is considered “Not Nice” or a “Liar”. Sadly, the other party cannot get their shit together and find someone who is liked by enough of them to push the tyrant out of office.
So hear we sit, under Fat George once again, divided, much like we were back in 1776.
Which happens to be the play I am directing. So I am setting it in the now. Everything is still the same. We still have John Adams, and Ben Franklin, and the rest of the male congress men. But a lot of them are being played by women, as women, to represent our modern congress. Showing that our modern political atmosphere is just as divided even though we feel as though we exist in an anomaly. We don’t. History repeats itself. And all I can hope is that it will not take a war to end the rein of this dictator.
Does that make any sense? I have had this idea for a while thinking only in the hypothetical. Like a “what if America were to be under a dictator again”. I never in a million years thought it would actually happen.
So like I said, here we sit. Things have truly turned up side down.