Fort Night

I am hiding again.
I can feel myself wanting to pull away and retreat. I do the work I have to and then I crawl into bed and hope that no one can see me under the covers of my pillow fort. I want to hide. I do hide. I hid in my car today. Only for a 1/2 hour but I just put the seat back put on some nice music and lay back and watched the trees move in the wind.
It was selfish.
Someday Noah and Eli will forgive me. I think my mother expects it of me. She knows I am selfish.
I hope it is just a mood and not relapse. However, when my health starts to decline it is easy to let my mental health decline with it. It takes so much to be “healthy and happy” all day that when I come home and I can be myself, I collapse under the weight of carting my self around in a “healthy way” all day long.
It leaves very little time and energy to care and worry about those who actually, deserve, and want my affection.
Luckily, once I get all the paper work done, I will get to do the fun stuff so I do get to spend time doing something I love and working with people I love. And for that I am grateful.
But for now, with my BP at 154/109 I am going to go crawl into my pillow fort and try to calm down.


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