Not Happy, Positive

I have had it with being happy. I am not one to be negative but I cannot be happy any more. I will strive to see that positive in the situation as in “She is still breathing” but I am not going to be happy that that is even a question. I did not know that one had to be happy about being alive. I just kind of thought it was one of the perks of being a person. Like, it was a positive thing if you were alive, it was negative if you were dead. This is where the sad comes in. It’s not negative to recognize that there are some situations that are not positive. It’s reality. And sometimes, reality is negative. It is a sad thing when your friends and family are not there to be with you when you want and need them to be. When they should be because there is no other reason on God’s green earth why they should not be with you right now. When you cannot see them. When you don’t know when and if you will get to see them again. When they are slipping into the negative. How do you stay afloat? How do you hold your head above water and watch as they struggle. Or worse still not even watch them first hand, you have to hear about it. How they cannot even breath on their own. And you start to wonder if you can either.
I don’t even make sense anymore.
I can’t.
I wake up and eat crackers to stop myself from crying.
I am jealous of those who are laughing.
I wonder why she didn’t call me sooner?
What if she does not love me as much as I love her?
How can I never have been through this before? Am I doing it right? Why does it seem like everyone around me is an expert and I am some ignorant novice.
Every time someone touches me I have to fight back tears.
I think I have told more lies in the past 72 hours than possibly in my adult life.
It’s such a cliche, but I keep thinking it’s all a bad dream. I don’t think I have been this afraid of anything sense having Eli. Even then, I was in control, as much as one can be of a situation like that. I remember being terrified. The nurses would come in and tell me that I could do anything. They made me feel like I was invincible. I need them again. How selfish is that? She is the one struggling, and I am the one needing the pep-talk.
I do remember this from all my visits to the hospital pre-Eli, in the moment, there is very little fear. It is when you have time to think about it that fear arises. When I asked her if she was scared she said no, just annoyed. And I believe her. Because she had only been there a few hours. They had not started the test. They had not transferred her. They had not started all the other things that have lead her to where she is now. If she had known then that this is what was coming, I think she would have been horrified. But being in it, it is hard, but it can be harder for those watching helplessly on the sidelines. And I need to try to remember that. That she is sedated and feels very little, if anything. Meanwhile, those of us who love her feel every time her little toe cramps.
I cannot be happy, I do not have the energy anymore. But I will be positive. For her. And for those closer to her than Me.

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