Tonight I think I am going to color. I know I should write because that is what I have said I would do. So I am writing to say that I am going to spend some time with my nose in a coloring book.
I need a night to shut off my brain.
Back in full swing of a 2 week rehearsal process and performing for 4 hours a night is daunting. One day I will explain that sentence in full detail. Tonight, I will just leave it at that.
My letter (survey) to DirectTV after 30 min of trying to get a TV show to load on my laptop and then they asked for my feedback. Just remember, they asked for it.
I have been trying to watch an episode of a TV show for 30 min and have no idea what I am doing wrong. I am not the most tech savvy person in the world but this really should not be this hard. Let’s be honest, there are 2 types who watch TV online. Those who travel and use it to pass time either themselves or for their kids, or people like me. Who don’t want to leave the house for whatever reason so they binge watch TV. In my case, it is because my cat Fluffernutter just ran away and all I want to do is watch some Bob’s Burgers, eat McDonald’s McNuggets, and drink rum and coke. But I can’t do one of those things. And I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! Just tell me what I am doing wrong! Between you and Fluffernutter I am starting to think that I might be the problem. But if you can tell me why when I hit the play button the screen comes up but nothing happens that would be great. Also, if you see Fluffernutter tell him, I still care.
If I thought anyone was really going to read it I would have put more thought into it. Either that or someone in HR just got a really good laugh.
I feel the need to add to that last post. It is not to say that I was wrong or that a nap helped. It is actually the opposite.
It is to say that I am still fighting. After 3 hours of being locked away, I crawled out to eat and now I have retreated back to light box (the computer) my book where I feel safe. I am not saying this for sympathy but to hit home the point that sometimes, a nap does not fix things. Sometimes we are not just “hangry”. Sometimes there is a anxiety inside that is not as easily shaken as it would be with others and that is what makes it a disorder. That we cannot just let it go. That we cannot just close our eyes and sleep knowing shit will work it self out. And sometimes even when we have those facts, it is not enough to calm us down.
If I could stop it, I would. If I could just take a deep breath and make it all go away I would. And breathing helps. But telling someone to breathe who’s foot is in a cast to just walk over there and get something. Yes, they can do it. But it hurts and they are not going to think very fondly of you for pointing out the obvious when you could have just stayed out of it or asked what you could do to help the matter. And sometimes the answer is nothing. Like this time. I am just going to have to wait it out. This wave will pass over me. I know it will. But I needed the world to know that it is real. That this was real.
It is raining which seems absolutely perfectly at the moment. I have been up with Eli all morning and he has been an angel and loving and wonderful while the rest of the world I feel is out to get me. My work is done. If I was to give my self a grade I would only give myself a C but at this point that’s me doing the best I can with what I have. I feel like Sally Brown does when she is given a C on her Coat hanger sculpture. Is it because of the quality of Coat hanger, because that is out of her control. Out of control is quickly becoming my central feeling I just need to get a grip on what I can. I cannot let my anxiety win this one.
I have already let it win the toxic battle. I have resorted to medicinal means. There is NOTHING wrong with this choice. I want to make that perfectly clear. I just know my mind is not as clear when I am on them and I feel like hours sometime parts of days go missing when I take them. The next day I am super sad. It’s a hard trade off. Like just now, I went into the kitchen, got out everything to make a PB and J and then walked out. Everthing is still out, I just never made the sandwich and I am not sure I can stand long enough to make it any more. All of this is just bad news.
And then there is the inability to keep a pleasant face about things. Things that I would normally just go “well, that’s annoying” and move on, I struggle to not rip someones face off. So I go hide. And look antisocial. Or rude. Or lazy. Or sick. Or tired. Because no one gets it. And I have to fight the urge to scream IF YOU ONLY HAD ONE SPOON YOU WOULD EAT ICE CREAM TOO! But I know no one would get it. But maybe I would look just crazy enough that people would leave me alone…it’s a thought.
I mean I am not really done but I am done-ish. I have to scan, up-load, and explain what I did in an email and then explain something else I scanned in another email and then I’m done. If that did not make sense don’t worry. It does to me, and that’s all that matters.
But I am so cleaned out from Chemo all I can do is look forward to tomorrow because it is bound to be better than today was. That is all there is to it. I am not saying it could not get worse because I know better. But all I can say is that tomorrow has all the right things it needs to be a stand out kinda day.
So come on Friday. Make it happen. Give me that day I have been waiting for! I will even take a half day Friday and a half day Saturday.
Because I am starting to get worried…worried that my heart is going to fade. I just have to remind myself that there cannot be light without darkness.
But those moment come and go like any others! Tomorrow is a new day. A happy day!
BECAUSE I SAID SO. THAT WHY NORBERT! BECAUSE I SAID SO!
Another day without adventure. Mainly because I am quickly discovering that what I thought was going to be a week off has turned into “SHIT! I have so much else that I have to do by the end of this month and there will be no other time to do it!” kind of work week. I am hoping to have everything done by Thursday so I can hand it over Friday morning then take Friday and Saturday to rest a little bit before starting back up for our final production on Sunday. (If you are exhausted after reading that, imagine how I feel.)
But I am holding out hope that things will get done. We sold our old car today and made a little money. (Yay!) I am done with all of the bird’s eye views of my set designs, for the Main Stage Production. (Yay!) Tomorrows goals include but are not limited to, contacting my lawyer friend re: my past employers failure to pay me what I am owed, getting my windshield whiper fixed, finishing my set renderings, and rough blocking the final Summer Stock Production. The list may seem daunting, and it is. But knowing that if I can get all of this done tomorrow that I might stand a chance at having a Friday and Saturday that I am not responsible to anyone but Eli, Noah (Somewhat), and myself will be unreal. I do not remember the last time I have had a day like that. I guess it was at Tybee but oddly, Tybee feels like MONTHS ago! It is amazing how stress can make time seem so much longer than it actually is. What is only a few short days can turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into years if you are not careful. When your body starts to lose track of time it is time to remind it what real time, good time, feels like.
And that is what I am working towards! Friday and Saturday. Only answering those I feel like responding to and enjoying my time with my little family.
Sometimes shit gets real. And I wonder if I am meant for any of this. Parenting, partnering, being a daughter, teaching, directing, acting, or just being a human at all. I am lousy at all of it and it just makes me either pissed that I suck at it or pissed that someone is pointing out how bad at it I am. I know depression lies but that does not mean that it does not hurt. I feel ill-equipped to deal with every aspect of my life right now. And when I take the drugs that make things better I am so far gone I am REALLY not equipped to do the things I should be doing.
I know I have written post like this before and will again. Depression is a cycle that never goes away. Some days are harder than others. Talking about it helps but there are still some things I cannot even write about. At least not yet. Today was not so much my depression attacking me as the day was just depressing. Lots of reminders of lots of failings and although I tried to look on the bright side, that’s hard to do when you have a migraine and light hurts your eyes. Even my jokes are lame today.
So I am calling it quits early. I started late and am quieting early. But I did make steps at least. I am working hard to make days better than the one before it. That is my goal. That’s hard when I don’t always have all the information but I will work the hardest I can to make things work. So there is that. The mental drive is there. Now lets see if we can get my body to catch up!