I am not sure what has transpired. I have been a sort of depression-panic-must-get-stuff-done-never-doing-enough funnel of doom for the past I don’t know how many hours. But I think the dust is finally clearing. The light is starting to peek though the curtains and although it hurts my eyes, it is better than the jarring alarm that just went off. I think I will hit snooze for another 10 min.
I hit snooze one too many times and was left with enough time to get out the door with some a small piece of my sanity in tact.
I am home again now. Still in a fog. There seems to be this shadow of drama and chaos that will not stop following me. And I am over it. As much as I know there can be drama in theatre, I do not tend to be the one who falls into it. Yes, it may happen around me or to me. But I love to tell people “I don’t take out the trash.” In other words, I don’t deal with other peoples drama. But right now people have allowed their trash to pile up around me and my personal space and I cannot help but to wade through all of the bull shit to get to what is truly important. The production.
And my friend. I want to be with her. I want to see her. But right now I feel like even seeing her or talking about her is tainted with drama. I feel like I am the only one on the planet who has not changed over my BookFace picture to be about her and it is mainly because I DON’T THINK SHE WOULD WANT THAT EITHER! A. She was not one for BookFace and B. She was a fairly private person. I think having people posting about her looks all over the world would have her MORTIFIED!
I miss my friend so much it hurts. And I want to take time to cry about it, and I can’t. I can’t take a breath. Because I feel like if I do, someone is there to point and watch me fall apart. I feel like people are buying popcorn to my life to watch as it falls apart and everyone is there to listen and no one is here to help. I have lots of ear. I have very few hands and mine cannot hold much more.
But now that the child is asleep I will get some dinner and find more food to stress eat because, well, that is better than the other things stress has caused over the past 24 hours and my body needs a break.
I also am going to have Noah proof this. I am hoping that when I come back from getting what ever food I am going to stress eat, he will take understand how much I need him to take the rest of the night to just be with me. I know this sounds silly to put here. But if I put it here two things happen. One is that he has to read it. Two is that you know how much this amazing man does for me so when he does stupid shit in a later post you (and I) can remember all the times like this that he has saved me from myself by doing nothing but sitting here and reading to me.