Tonight someone asked me if I was going to have my “growth taken care of”.
It took me a good 3 minutes to figure out what they were talking about. They were talking about my port. Then I got super self conscious and proceeded to give them WAY too much information about my life. All while poking at it and in the long run hurting myself. I try to act like it does not hurt and it doesn’t hurt all the time. But if you poke at anything long enough, especially something that gets stabbed with a needle once a week and has been operated on twice, it’s going to hurt. I came home and took some pain medicine but now I am somewhat out of it which means that if I had no analytical work to be done I would be fine. But now I have to put that off until tomorrow and try to do as much creative work as I can.
It also means that I cannot go see my friend tonight which I really wanted to do. Hopefully I will get to tomorrow. So much has gone down in the past few days that I wish I could tell her about I think just seeing her will do me good. I have also considered starting a new blog just titled “Shit I wanted to tell you!”. Then when she has the wherewithal to read it, if she wants to, she can. I can tell you, I am over people posting publicly about her. She is a very private person. I know everyone is very concerned about her but I feel like she does not want the world knowing her business. She selected people to come visit her because she did not want the world knowing how bad her situation was. I feel like people who post about their visits with her are taking advantage of a privilege that she has given them. If she wanted the world to know how she looked and how bad her situation was, she would just allow anyone to visit her.
Maybe it’s just the meds talking. I should just count my blessings that I get my time with her and allow everyone to deal with their “grief” in their own way. I will go see her tomorrow. Maybe I will take Eli. Even if he can’t see her, he can spend some time with her parents. I am sure he would love to see them and vice versa. He loves everyone. He’s just kinda great like that.