I am worried that my anxiety and depression keeps me from being part of my sons life.
Let me rephrase. I KNOW my anxiety and depression keeps me from being part of my sons life. And I know I have said this before, but that depresses me. So it is like this vicious cycle of depression and disappointment that is keeping me from being with my son sometimes.
On the upside, it is only sometimes.
On the downside, it is right now. Or, I am coming down with something. Or, things are truly so crazy that I have every right to feel depressed.
This is still a different type of depression than I felt when I was working at the horrible job. There are a lot of things I am feeling but NONE of them are unappreciated which makes everything worth it for me. A little appreciation goes a LONG way for me. Still, there is a lot of things in life that are just actually worth being upset about. The things that I am stressed about are the things that I should be stressed about, not the things that someone else wants me to be stressed about. I felt like for a while there, I was only allowed to worry about the things that were of other peoples concerns. My actual concerns were having to be stifled. It was beyond unhealthy.
At least now I can confront my issues head on. Well…I could confront them. But I don’t. I don’t know if it is a lack of meds or too many as I try to make myself untouchable, but I just can’t feel anything but panic. When I wake up, I feel like someone has snatched my breath away. I try to distract myself, food, tv, books, coloring, but nothing works. Sometimes I can take enough medication to knock me back out but by the time I come to I feel like I have slept too much and the panic sets back in. Then I work way too hard to catch back up and I am exhausted and somehow still feel like it’s not enough. Then I start to feel depressed about everything that I have not done. Not just at work, but at home, with my family, and with my friend who I feel needs me right now more than she ever had. This is mainly because she never has. But I always have needed her. And now she needs me and I cannot get my shit together enough to be there for her. Or Eli. Or my cast. Or my Family. Or anyone.
And here we are. Back in that cycle.
Lets just hope it’s that I need a nap or an antibiotic. Right???