I don’t know how to be well.

I slept until 1pm and I am still tired!
Is that possible? How can one person be so sleepy? I am just…wiped out! Done! Hang me up to dry! Stick a fork in me!
I did at least do good things today. I showered. For some, I know, not a big deal. But when you live with limited spoons you count the days that you shower and you don’t have to then go lie down because you need a nap from all the energy you have just used taking that shower as a win!
I did a show again. I was proud. It was well attended and well performed which is all a director can really hope for.
And, I got to go see my friend. She looks better every time I see her. Like almost to the extent that at any point I expect to go in and she is going to be speaking. I did something today that I had not done yet which is touch her. The reason why I had not was a selfish one. I knew that I would cry. I knew I would not be able to fight back tears anymore. And that’s not okay. It’s selfish to cry when someone else is sick. You have to stay strong for them. You have to be the strong one. They are the ones who are scared and god knows she has got to be horrified. I would be. So you have to stay strong. And I have been able to. Until today. Today I held her hand. She squeezed it so tight. I tried so hard not to cry I just kept looking around. The more I looked around the tighter her grip got until finally a tear rolled down my cheek and she let go a little. I kept telling her I was sorry and that I loved her so much. That I was not used to being here that I couldn’t do this, I knew how to be sick, but not well. She squeezed my hand but it was kind of funny. When I looked down she had squeezed my hand with the sign for I love you. I mimicked the sign and there we were. Our two signs intertwined. I did not want to let go. I did not want to move. I was waiting for her to say something like “I need my Angela time, everyone else go away!” Or maybe that’s just what I was hoping. I was hoping for anything. But for now, I will take that and carry that moment with me until the next time I get to go see her.

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