I want it to go away.
It hurts from the bottom of my feet to the inside of my ears. I can feel a pressure behind my eyeballs.
I take more meds to drown out the pains both inward and outward and they make me more and more numb. Numb to my life that is happening around me. Time with my son that I am losing slowly but surely because his mommy cannot compartmentalize her issues and does not realize that sometime there is nothing you can do regarding a loan office on a Saturday so you might as well let loose and play in a store bought plastic pool that will give Eli more hours of fun then he will know what to do with.
That’s what should have happened. Instead, I look at myself in the dark and think about how it’s all my fault and what can I do to fix things and what else can be sold and how can I fix things. Why can’t I fix things? Why have I not heard back from my new contractor? Did my old contractor get the best of them? What could have possibility happened.
Tomorrow is a new day. A day filled with new goals. Filled with the feeling that I will always be playing catch up.
If I am always moving away from here, I am closer to getting there.