I want to be more independent.
This seems like an odd statement for a 32 year old woman who has a child, a husband, and a job to be making but here is what I mean.
I used to envy my friends that could be single. I was not that girl. I never wanted to be single. I always wanted to have someone. Even if I knew it would not be for long it was still someone so that I did not have to sleep alone at night. Sad. I know.
That is NOT the case now. NOW, I am with someone who I choose to be with. But I still crave that independence. As a patient you have to depend on people, doctors, nurses, PA’s, NA’s, pharmacists, social workers, anyone and everyone to help make your life right that you just crave one small part of your life that you have some kind of control over. So I am going to start taking control where I can. Forever, I use to ask for help every chance I could because I felt like I was taking on too much. But what I need to do is figure out what matters to me and hold on to that. Ask for help on the things I am willing to let go of and things I should let go of. Hold on to things that can help me feel in control of my life. I need to find this balance in every aspect of who I am.  I need to define what I think makes me me, find one thing that I do that makes me feel like I am that thing, and let the rest go. Otherwise, I am going to lose who I am. I am going to lose my independence. I am reclaiming who I am and what I have worked so hard to become. I have learned so much and all of it is going to waist because of fear. And fear of what? What am I so afraid of?
I want it back. Or maybe even for the first time. I want my independence. From constant fear, from constant inferiority, and from the tyrant that keeps me constantly telling me how much I am not doing. Me.


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