Depressing, not depressed

Sometimes shit gets real. And I wonder if I am meant for any of this. Parenting, partnering, being a daughter, teaching, directing, acting, or just being a human at all. I am lousy at all of it and it just makes me either pissed that I suck at it or pissed that someone is pointing out how bad at it I am. I know depression lies but that does not mean that it does not hurt. I feel ill-equipped to deal with every aspect of my life right now. And when I take the drugs that make things better I am so far gone I am REALLY not equipped to do the things I should be doing.
I know I have written post like this before and will again. Depression is a cycle that never goes away. Some days are harder than others. Talking about it helps but there are still some things I cannot even write about. At least not yet. Today was not so much my depression attacking me as the day was just depressing. Lots of reminders of lots of failings and although I tried to look on the bright side, that’s hard to do when you have a migraine and light hurts your eyes. Even my jokes are lame today.
So I am calling it quits early. I started late and am quieting early. But I did make steps at least. I am working hard to make days better than the one before it. That is my goal. That’s hard when I don’t always have all the information but I will work the hardest I can to make things work. So there is that. The mental drive is there. Now lets see if we can get my body to catch up!


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