It is raining which seems absolutely perfectly at the moment. I have been up with Eli all morning and he has been an angel and loving and wonderful while the rest of the world I feel is out to get me. My work is done. If I was to give my self a grade I would only give myself a C but at this point that’s me doing the best I can with what I have. I feel like Sally Brown does when she is given a C on her Coat hanger sculpture. Is it because of the quality of Coat hanger, because that is out of her control. Out of control is quickly becoming my central feeling I just need to get a grip on what I can. I cannot let my anxiety win this one.
I have already let it win the toxic battle. I have resorted to medicinal means. There is NOTHING wrong with this choice. I want to make that perfectly clear. I just know my mind is not as clear when I am on them and I feel like hours sometime parts of days go missing when I take them. The next day I am super sad. It’s a hard trade off. Like just now, I went into the kitchen, got out everything to make a PB and J and then walked out. Everthing is still out, I just never made the sandwich and I am not sure I can stand long enough to make it any more. All of this is just bad news.
And then there is the inability to keep a pleasant face about things. Things that I would normally just go “well, that’s annoying” and move on, I struggle to not rip someones face off. So I go hide. And look antisocial. Or rude. Or lazy. Or sick. Or tired. Because no one gets it. And I have to fight the urge to scream IF YOU ONLY HAD ONE SPOON YOU WOULD EAT ICE CREAM TOO! But I know no one would get it. But maybe I would look just crazy enough that people would leave me alone…it’s a thought.