I have been asleep.
I am not going to lie, today was a hodgepodge kind of day that I was truly emotionally drained. Although it may seem hard to believe that someone as weak as me could do it, there are some people that turn to me for emotional and professional support and I try to be there for them as much as I can. Today called for both.
Professionally is one that I am used to playing the part. For the most part, I have that act down! But today I was truly tested. I can handle people questioning me. The thing I don’t handle well is doubt. Especially when you are supposed to be on my side in the first place. Bring me answers. Or if you cannot do that, then lets work together to find an answer. Don’t throw more questions at me! Not when I am not asking YOU to do the work.
All of a sudden I fee like I am having to defend my work. Something I work so hard for on a day to day basis. I have to defend every choice I make so often. I have to make sure it is motivated or an actor won’t do it and an audience won’t believe it. But here I am defending my work to someone who should be helping me make the magic happen but instead is deciding to make me defend my work even further. I just don’t think I was ready for that amount of work today. 3 hours of rehearsal where I have to perform and then it turned into another 3 hours of me performing for this person. Fighting back tears as I explain why things have to be the way they have to be. The reason why I need the thing I asked for 2 weeks ago is still needed and just because something could not be found does not mean its need is then gone.
It is exhausting. I love what I do but I also know I have my limits and today, I passed them. I made it through but just barely. And I am out of meds at the moment which means I am taking “band-aid med” which knock me out and make me half a person. I am done fighting today. My body gave up at about 10 and I am hoping that after writing this, drinking some tea, and taking some meds, it will go back to sleep and tomorrow can be a productive day.
I have been asleep.