here we go again

I am trying to push through a depression relapse. I have been having a lot of them lately and at first I thought they were me not being able to handle my work load or maybe even not being able to handle my counts being lower or just my financial situations. But all of that aside, I still feel my self struggling even in happy moments to be happy. One of my dearest friends hugged me today and I almost fell apart in his arms just because for 5 seconds I felt like someone might could hold me up and I would not have what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I found out that through my new insurance I can go see a new therapist and I think it is time. I also think it is time to reassess the cocktail they have me on for emotional stability and once again because of the new insurance, I might be able to afford it. It only last until November so I am going to jump while I can. I know that things change and that adjustments need to be made, but I when you can’t afford to go meet with the chef to discuss the new diet, you just have to keep handing you what they will feed you and hope it is enough you won’t die of starvation.
I never want to kill myself. I never want to die. Part of that is because I don’t like to be selfish and to me killing myself is the most selfish thing I could do. So I settle for the second most selfish thing and live with the anguish that I cannot make myself move because it physically hurts. No one believes me. No one that is not a doctor or someone who also suffers from it. It’s because it cannot be seen. Much like my PNH. I don’t look sick. There is no bruise, no cut, no blood, no vomit, no cast, no brace, no stitch, nothing to show for the pain I am feeling other than the tears that roll down my face.
I guess I am saying all of this because I want to know I am not alone. I want others to know they are not alone. And I also want you to know that until you are ready to hear that, you don’t give two shits who else is suffering and that is okay too. I know I don’t care if I am 1 or 1 millionth struggling and fighting this. Right now, I’m fighting my own battle and no one can fight it with me or for me. It is nice to know that others have what I have. But much like cancer or any other ailment, other people with the same condition cannot fix each other. All we can say is “Hey, I have been some place close to where you are.”. No two people go through it the same.
So cheer for me. Pray for me. Cross your fingers I will get through this. But don’t tell me to “Hang in there. It just a rough time.” or “Things will get better.” Because those platitudes don’t mean shit. Tell me you care and that you will be there when I come out on the other side. Tell me you get when I don’t answer the phone for 3 days but that you love me regardless. Understand that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me and I promise, as mad as you are at me, I am 1 million times more upset with myself.
So you, you hang in there. It’s just a rough time. Things will get better.
I will be back.


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