THIS POST IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART
The past couple of days I feel like I have been hit with a double whammy. My depression is getting deeper and deeper. The harder I fight, the harder I fall when I get knocked down. I try so hard to see the positive in getting out of bed, getting a shower, driving to work, and going above and beyond so that others can do their best. So when things start slipping things I could normally handle, I break. I feel attacked and alone.
But that’s just the start.
My gums have now been bleeding for 3 days straight. It’s like having a nose bleed except every time you smile you look like a vampire. I always look bitter. Because of this I keep trying to avoid people, but I can’t! Not in my line of work! I hear some of you saying “I am sure it is not as bad as you think it is.” You’re wrong. My pillow looks like a crime scene. I wake up either gagging or throwing up blood. I have not slept an entire night through in 3 days. I wake up with dried blood on my face, my arm, my hand, all over my pj’s and sheets. One of the NA’s was like “Maybe it’s just gingivitis.” Bitch, really?!?! Have you ever seen someones mouth bleed for 3 days because of a fungus?
And then I slump back down because I start to think, what if this is really all my fault? What if I had just flossed that one more time? I realize how silly that sounds but when you are depressed, these are the thoughts that run through your head.
I try to be an open book when it comes to my depression and anxiety. I feel like even if I cannot go into details, I feel like it is my responsibility to inform people who want to know of every illness I have. I have PNH, Bud-Chiari, Depression (But I am High Functioning) and Anxiety. Please hear me say there is a fine line between constant sympathy and me trusting you enough to tell you I am not doing well and you disregarding it. Please, don’t give me another thing to feel like is my fault. I promise you, I already feel like everything else is.
So here is my confession, my plea, my whatever you need to call it to make you aware of what I am going through so that all 3 of you will know where I am right now. Physically, I am dealing with a 3 day gum bleed which has left me sick not to mention other news on the medical front which I cannot even go into right now. Mentally, I am spiraling down. I know there is a lot to be happy for and it makes me sad that I cannot just see that. I am trying. I have appointments this week and hopefully that will help. I am reaching out. I know I am not alone.
It is times like this we see that the world in not gentle. It may have good in it and I will find it again.