Thinking…(Updated)

I need time…I need time to get my thoughts together. I am posting this now because I might not make it back tonight. The thoughts and feelings are spinning and cycling through my brain and I cannot pull them all together. But I want to. I need too. But in case I don’t tonight, this is here.

My mind is still a cluster, but I can at least get started. Today was the end of the my summer contract. It was kind of an odd contract because it was a labor of love more than a big financial labor FOR SURE! I did not get rich this summer but I do feel like I proved myself in a lot of ways and that is important as well. I feel like I gained respect from people who may have been on the fence about my ability or just not have even known what I was capable of. This came from both those who worked with me and those who saw the productions that were produced. To be honest, I was somewhat blown away by what I was able to create. I see it in my head, but that does not mean that I can always articulate it. Luckily, some of the actors I had been working with so much this summer I could say things like “It’s not pretty yet. We are missing the build.” and it was enough to get to the crescendo I was looking for. (See, now I can make it sound pretty!)
Opening night of the first production was almost sold out. To be honest, there were more people there that night then I thought would be there over the entire weekend! It was somewhat insane. My anxiety made me want to go hide in the light booth because what if things went wrong? I have no control over anything! I can’t help them once they are out there! It’s like watching your kid go off to school for the first time. Except instead of watching 1 kid you’re watching 21 kids go off to school in front of about 100 people. It’s enough to make even the strongest person sick. I knew I had people that loved me there to support me but part of me knew that they wanted to see a good show. And that was my biggest fear. That was my biggest fear all summer. All I wanted was to put on quality theatre. And somehow, that’s what I managed to do.
Today was hard. Like I wrote about, things have not been easy right now. I wanted to skip the show and just show up for strike but I pulled together and made it to the show. When I got to the theatre, I ran into my mom who had been kind enough to surprise me with flowers. I love flowers! Right now I have 2 beautiful bouquets of flowers around my house thanks to Noah’s opening night tradition and mom’s big heart! As much as I love flowers, I got the best surprise I could have once the show started.
I was backstage telling everyone to break a leg and thank you and all of the good stuff, and then I went to the booth. I looked out over the crowed and was impressed that our crowed was about the same size as the other 2 days which is odd because normally Sundays are smaller. As I was looking, I thought I saw Ashley, Eli’s Godmother and the woman who I thought I might loose earlier this summer, sitting in the front row. There she was. Ashley, in all of her love and strength, at my production. I know it was not all for me, she had many friends in the show. But every show I would look out and hope that by some chance she would be there. I had given up.
Not on her, just on the selfish dream that she would waist what little energy she had on coming to see one of my shows. Afterword we hugged. It was not long enough. She was still her and so beautiful. I have never in my life wanted to be next to someone or just sit with someone so desperately in my life. I was also scared. Scared I had not done enough for her. That I had not been there for her as much as I should have been. But I don’t know why. We hugged and cried. There were no words because we did not need any. All I could ask her is how she was feeling and what could I do for her. The past was the past. At this moment, we were together, and she needed water. I could fix that. So I did.
Today, I know I did one thing right.

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