Spitting Love

I am sorry for not posting yesterday, and maybe the day before. Honestly they are all starting to run together. Busy and productive days! Nothing eventful however. Nothing worth noting. However…

I AM NOW AT THE BEACH! Honestly, I did not want to post anything about it because I was so afraid I was going to jinx it. I know this sounds crazy, but almost anytime I get too excited over travels, something goes wrong. The past few adventures have gone well. For the most part, my health issues we minimal enough to not over power the joy of each trip. So far, so good! We have only been here for 6 hours and already I feel so much relief. I feel myself letting go. It feels so nice. The beach, SC beach shores specifically, have always been my favorite place to vacation.

This is where I fell in love.  

Shortly after my fathers death, Noah and I took a trip to the beach. We had only been together about 6 months and it had not even been a year since my divorce. I was torn up about my fathers death, but not in the way you would think. My father and I had a very complicated relationship, to say the least. I was not sure how I felt about his passing. My thoughts and emotions were everywhere and I felt sure that at any moment, Noah was going to decide he was done with me. I would not have blamed him. I did know how I felt about myself, and I’ll admit, our relationship was truly the last thing on my mind. I was distant, not just mentally, but I also kept trying to put distance between us physically.

I was distant, he was not.  

I had finished all of my exams early so I could go be with my mom in SC. She was also having a hard time with my fathers passing. I used all the money I had to put gas in my car and go home. I did not even have enough money to get a dress for the funeral. I could not care. My job was to get home to be with my mom. But before I left, Noah took me to get a dress. I remember feeling horrible about it. Not because of anything he did, I just did not feel right have by boyfriend buying me a dress when not only was I unable to pay him back but, I was not sure how much longer our relationship was actually going to make it. At that point I could not worry about it. My mind was focused on getting home to my mom.

I was more than prepared to make the solo journey home when Noah said he was going to come with me for moral support. This was quite the event for him to decide to meet my extended family but that did not seem to faze him. My mom offered to put us up in a hotel so he came. The day before the funeral, we spent the day at my Mom and Grandmoms home making all the refreshments that we would be serving at the wake. He was useless in the kitchen, but he sat with me while I worked. His presence kept me distracted from the emotions surrounding my fathers death.
Once the funeral and wake were over, I was beyond hostile. I had sat and listened to people tell me how wonderful my father was. Like most sermons at funerals, the preacher talked about how my father felt at the end of his life. How he knew he was not perfect but he was a loving and sincere man. Like most who attend a funeral, so many people apologized for my loss. Most of the time those are things that provide comfort but  I was angry for so many reasons. Noah could feel the pressure building up inside of me so he asked me what he could do. “Take me too the Zoo.” It was less than a half mile from the hotel and I needed a distraction. Without hesitation, he took me. The next thing I knew, we were looking at beautiful animals which was a wonderful break from the insanity I had been surrounded by.
Both of us had decided to take a few summer classes so we only had a few days before we had to be back to school. In search of anything to keep me going, I decided it was the time we had should be spent at the beach. My mother agreed to sponsor my distraction, so a few days later Noah and I were at the beach. The first night there I could feel my emotions creeping up so I decided, as so many do, to drown them in alcohol. As you can imagine, this was not a good idea. For the first time, I found myself crying. We were sitting on the beach in the dark and I was sobbing. In moments of clarity I remember feeling sorry for Noah. Here he was at the beach with a girl who, until now had seemed to managed to keep her calm over her loss, and instead of getting lucky, he was dealing with a steaming pile of  sobbing mess. But he did not seem to care. He got me up and managed to get me back to our room.
Like every good “drunk sitter”, he made sure I was staying hydrated and had given me some ice water.
I wandered out to the balcony that looked out over the pool to the ocean. It was beautiful and perfect. I could feel myself letting go. I looked down to the pool and saw how the water was still. There was almost no breeze, which is odd for the beach. I felt like the world was holding it’s breath like I had for so long. And then I did it.
I spit my ice cube over the balcony and into the pool. I watched it land and make the perfect ripple. I had forgotten I was not alone. Either that or I did not care. All decorum had gone out the window. It was the most classless thing I had done in front of him. At least to me it was. But clearly it wasn’t to him. The next thing I know, he does the same and laughs at himself for missing the pool. The next thing I knew we were spitting ice over the balcony to see who could get the most into the pool. He was laughing his genuine laugh which, to this day, is one of my favorite sounds. It was then I realized, I was in love.
After everything that had been such a mess in my life, he had been there. He knew how broken I was and didn’t care. So there I was, spitting ice over a balcony, and truly in love.

Tonight I was standing on the balcony, looking over the pool at the ocean once again. That same since of calm that the ocean seems to always provide had taken over. After a few min, Noah brought out his drink and spit an ice cube over the balcony and missed the pool. He smiled and handed me the cup, filled with ice. There we were, almost 7 year later, still spitting ice cubes. But more in love than we have ever been.


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