New “Friend”

It seems like I am constantly on the hunt for new doctors. Not because I want them, but because I need them. I see an Oncologist for my PNH, a pain doctor for the hole the surgeons left in my chest, a psychiatrist who gives me medication for my mental health, but I have recently been looking for the other end of the mental health help which is a therapist. I know I have needed to see one for quite a while. For a while I was seeing someone at the cancer center but all of the conversations were steered more towards my PNH, which is NOT my only problem. She understood and agreed with my diagnosis of Severe Depression and Anxiety but we never got much past how much PNH sucks.
Yes, PNH sucks. It causes lots of problems and what sucks the most is that because it is so rare, no one knows how it actually effects you. My doctors keep telling me “You are writing the book on this.” But like most of you know, I am a shitty writer and the plot twists are really starting to be unbelievable. I need a better plot line. That is for damn sure! Not to mention all the other illnesses that PNH causes, like mental illness. So, now I am seeking a new doctor.
But this is not like all the other doctors. So many have specialties and they are experts in their field. These are the doctors you seek out when you have a rare condition. But with therapists, it’s not that simple. Yes, there is a level of trust that should exist between you and any doctor you see. But seeing a therapist is different. I am going to be trusting her with my life. All of it. Not just the medical end of things, but the emotional as well. I am going to come with issues and I am going to need advice. I have to trust that this person has my best interest at heart and is going to help me the best way they know how. The only difference between this and a friend is the medical end of it.
So, basically I am on for therapists right now. I have a “date” tomorrow morning. I am trying not to be nervous, but that is like telling me to calm down when I am having a anxiety attack. I keep wondering what we are going to talk about. I know she is there to listen, but will she talk back? I don’t want to have a one sided conversation. Plus, how much does it suck to listen to people whine all day? Maybe I should be her “happy patient” so she can go home feeling like at least one person was not totally miserable. When she asks me how I am feeling, should I extend the same courtesy or is that weird to ask your therapist how THEY are feeling?
I don’t know, but I will find out tomorrow.

At least you know tomorrows post will be interesting.


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