I want to…

I just can’t. I have so few spoons to give today. I went to lunch with Ashley, which was the best use of a spoon I can think of! But between that and a shower, I am not sure what is left of me.
I am trying not to let my lack of spoons get to me emotionally. I know that it is not my fault that I cannot make myself do more today. Today would count as a “sit down” day for me.
Note to all of my cast members: if you ever see me sitting through a majority of rehearsal, it is not because I am lazy. It is because I truly do not have the wherewithal to THINK and MOVE. Silly me, I feel like directing is a lot more about thinking than movement.
Note to all directors I work for : On low spoon days, I will come in looking a hot mess because I had 2 choices: shower, or cake on deodorant and kick ass in rehearsal/performances. I will ALWAYS give you what I have. I leave my heart on the stage.
Note to both – there are usually large amounts of caffeine consumed those days as well so if I seem shaky, I promise I am not on drugs. Unless you count caffeine as a drug in which case I am TOTALLY drugged.
Regardless on both days I try not to let my physical ailments effect me emotionally. I work to remember that I am just low energy and not emotionally abuse myself with terms like “lazy”, “useless”, or “unreliable.”  I try not to let others good and productive moods effect my feelings of uselessness and I try not to let things that I would normally just put on my duck feathers (see previous post) and let roll off me, effect me now because I am more than emotional. When I find myself saying something out of line I try to quickly mend the situation or in some cases just remove myself knowing that I am better off not being in a place where I am liable to react in a way that I would not if I had the energy to think better.
But sometimes it is too late. I have been labeled. Not by myself but by others. I am now “bitchy” or “unhelpful” and it does nothing but drive me into a state of exhaustion and depression.
So here I am. Bitchy. Unhelpful. And out of spoons.


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