I would love to say that today was a better day, but it wasn’t.
I had to move from my safe space to go to the oncologist this morning. I DON’T do mornings so this was super hard. The appointment was an hour away so I had to be up earlier than I have been in quite a while. The appointment was not bad, as a matter of fact the doctor told me that I get to start coming every other week as apposed to my once a week that I have been doing for over a year now. It will be a nice change and it will help save on gas as well.
We got back from the appointment a little after noon and were doing some stuff around the house when our cleaners arrived way earlier than we thought. My mother has hired the nicest people to come do some basic cleaning around the house. Basically, the stuff Noah and I would never do. They are super nice and we REALLY REALLY like them, but in our tiny house with them trying to get things done, we always feel in the way. We thought they were coming at 1:30 which would have been perfect because Noah and Eli could drive me to my Therapy appointment at 2:00 and then pick me up and we could run some errands until we would no longer be in the way. So you can imagine our surprise when they came at 12:30. Noah was all of a sudden rushing out the door to go, God knows where, my mom wanted me to help her for a min, all the while I feel so in the way I am on the verge of an anxiety attack. There was no winning. So I just jumped in the car with Noah and Eli and went to lunch before my appointment.
They dropped me off and I walked up to the counter to check in. The lady looked at me very confused and said “I don’t have you down to see her again until the 19th.” What the fuck! This is twice now I have screwed up my therapy times. And right now, I needed some therapy. My heart started racing as she asked me if I wanted a card. I took one timidly and looked at the date and time and noticed that it was the EXACT SAME TIME as my pain doctor appointment next week! I was too embarrassed to say anything. I mean, who is stupid enough to schedule 2 very important doctors appointments on the same day at the same time. The answer is me.
I called Noah to have him come pick me up and tried not to pick my face apart as I waited for him. When I got in the car I wanted to cry. We still had some errands to run so I tried to pull myself together. As we were driving, I got the message that I had somehow messed up the schedule for work. This would seem like a hard thing to do when you are pretty much in charge of scheduling, but never the less, I was being called out for not doing my job right. I felt like a scolded school girl. I responded, I felt, very directly and felt like I had handled myself, despite my emotions, very responsibly.
There was no reply.
Not from the person who called me out, not from my stage manager, it was like all I could hear were my words echoing and I do not like the sound of my own voice.
Then I found myself stuck, looking for affirmation that what I had done was not wrong and that my choice words, which were very polite but direct, were not over stepping boundaries. The words finally came in, but I hated myself for needing other people to confirm what I knew to be right.
Once I got home I took 2 pills and was out so fast I could not even keep my head up to answer the text that were pouring in. Between being up so early, messing up my appointment, messing up my work, and the depression that was still looming from yesterday, I was relieved that my responsibilities were mostly done for the day. I took a nap which felt like 30 min and I soon learned was almost 3 hours. I felt, once again, like I had messed up. This time it was more important than anything, I had missed time with Eli.
When I have episodes of depression, like the past 48 hours, I start to wonder if Eli even knows that I am his mom. I feel like this figure that he sees every now and then and feeds him sometimes, and sometimes puts him to bed, and sometimes changes him, but he gets no more excited to see me walk through the door than he would the cleaners. Sure, he smiles, but then he goes right back to Noah and what ever it was he was doing. I try to tell myself that this is okay. That soon Eli will grow up enough that we can explain, I am mom. Then we can get to the stage of mom is not feeling good and we should snuggle her in bed. And then he will soon learn to appreciate the days that mom is not sick and can go outside to be with him. He will learn that it is not because mom does not want to, it is because she can’t. And maybe this will never happen. I just have to keep my hopes high on this one.