The fog is lifting

Today was a much better day. I went into the school I will be working at this year to find out that the new theatre program I was starting has almost doubled from the count last week! I also got to cook, bake and spend time with Eli while Noah was at rehearsal. There was not one moment of panic, no extra anxiety, nothing. I can imagine this is what most people call normal.
I also got to bake and cook and that ALWAYS makes me happy! I LOVE food. And I love feeding people. Not like directly, but I love when I cook or bake something that people enjoy. I love making people happy. I know my happiness should not be contingent on others but there are times I cannot help it. I love the fall because that is when I get to really start baking. Pumpkin bread and Humming Bird bread/cake are my personal favorites. Plus it gets to be big hardy meal weather. Lasagna, turkey chili, chicken pie, mashed potatoes with pretty much anything on top, it is all amazing. I love it all. I love trying things and seeing what I can change to make it “my recipe”.
I would love to say I am a foodie who weighs 130 lbs. but I am not. Some people are lucky that way, I am not. You can tell, I love food. My line is always “This body may look like it comes naturally, but it is hard work to look like this!” I have a feeling I would be saying that regardless of how much I weighed. Bury the hurt with a joke. But I honestly do not feel bad for loving GOOD food. Now shitty food, that has sadness written all over it. But good, homemade love in food form makes me happy. I feel no sadness as I eat eggs benedict or a piece of banana bread. I think it is because sadness lurks so many other places that I love food so much. I think of food and I think of the joy that it brings when I am able to share it with others.
Tonight I made over 70 cupcakes to take to the cast of the show I am directing. Tomorrow is the first day I will have met with them since auditions. I am excited to see them all together and I am excited that I get to share some of my happiness with them.

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