It is times like this I want to turn to facebook and post something veiled and cryptic about how I am feeling.
Instead I will come here. Where I know 7 people will read it and those who relate will appreciate what I am saying and those who don’t will just write me off as odd or a whiner and move one. Either way, it’s a win win. Noah and I had a fight last night. What started off as he just hurt my feelings turned into an all out battle about how he disregards the things I do for him. He always says thank you when I do something that is right in front of him to see. But when it comes to the small stuff he just says that he can do without it so it’s my fault for feeling upset that it happened.
Almost every night he has a show or a late rehearsal, I cook dinner for my mom and Eli. I put Eli down and then start some work. Sometimes that is cleaning (rarely) or just working on stuff for my job. When he text me he is on the way home I start our dinner which I have almost always prepped and start cooking our dinner. I always wait to eat with him because I hate eating alone but also, I like the more adventurous food I fix for us more than a cheese burger or pasta. I make BBQ chicken, Shrimp scampi, or teriyaki chicken with pineapple. All these things my mother and Eli would NEVER eat.
Last night I had our dinner all prepped and ready to go when I heard my phone go off. I was sure it was him and I was STARVING so I was glad to hear from him. We had plans for burgers, veggies and a side of potatoes. I was ready to go. And then the message said “I got asked to go to a Wing place with the cast. Can I go?” This upset me for 4 big reasons.
1. We had made plans to eat together and now he was ditching me for the “better party.”
2. He has been out with these people 2 times in the past 2 weeks and has not once asked me to go out with him. I have tried to make plans for us for a couple of things now but he has shot down every idea but 1. So friends 2, wife 1 (sometime in the future TBD).
3. He didn’t ask if I wanted to come, if I wanted him to bring me something home, nothing. We ask my mom that every time we come home, but he could not ask me?!?
4. If I had said no, I would have been the bad guy. I would have made it so he couldn’t go out with his friends and I would have made it obvious that the reason he could not go out was me. How shitty is that! I’m not his mother, I’m his partner. And no matter what, if I had said no, I would have felt like an ass.
I just took it. He asked if I was mad and instead of listening and understanding, he just started swing for the out field. Anytime I brought out a point, it became pointless in his mind because:
“Why would you wait for me to eat. I never asked you to.”
“I have said yes to one of those things and I don’t remember you bringing anything else up so it must not have happened.”
“I figured you had already eaten so there was no reason to offer you anything or call you to tell you I was on the way home.”
“If you had said no I would have just come home. No one is thinking about you as much as you are. Stop feeling like an ass and calm down.” (RED FLAG! HE HAS FORGOTTEN I HAVE ANXIETY AND “CALM DOWN” IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME!)
This fight went on for way too long and I will admit that I lost control. There is only so much one person can handle.
The one thing I have taken away from all of this is that “I’m sorry” doesn’t fix things if you are not ready to hear it. There is a penalty for your actions and sorry does not make the penalty vanish. Sometimes it is that you just have to let that person get the hurt they have off their chest. It may hurt you to hear and it may suck and you may feel like shit as they tell you how much what you did hurt them, but that’s the penalty you pay sometimes. Getting defensive, or deciding that you are done hearing about what you did is not up to you. You hurt someone. The least you can do is listen and say your sorry.
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse” – Benjamin Franklin
PS – I am following up with the fact that this was/is a trivial fight. Yes I am hurt, but it won’t last. I believe people fight. But I also believe people learn from their fights. If we stop fighting, we stop learning. If we stop learning, we stop fighting. Complacency is deadly.
PPS – We are both dramatic so fighting is going to happen. It’s just not always worth talking about.