A D day

I have been in a depression fog all day. I keep trying to adjust my sleeping habits, but it never seems to work. Everyday I wake up, scared I am going to fail the day. Some days I feel like I have failed and I have not even gotten out of bed yet.
My therapist says I am a perfectionist. I laughed loudly at her and explained we had only had two sessions and although we have established I am a whole bunch of crazy, perfectionism is not one that I would imagine to be in the collection. She then told me that it is not a matter of life being perfect, but that I have ideals and when I fall short of them, I tend to be to harsh on myself. Most people are like this, she explained, but I am so desperate to be right or good that I will drive myself into a depression when I feel myself falling short.
And that’s what happened today. I woke up so late and was lacking in energy that I felt guilty. I ate lunch and then promptly feel asleep again. I did all the things you should do to help yourself when you feel your falling into a depressive state, I went on a walk, I played with my son, I drank lots of water, I carried on, but it was not the same. I felt like I was pretending to be okay, but for no one other than myself. And it’s at times like this that I have to remember that depression is not just a mental illness. It is also a chemical imbalance. I did everything right, but my chemicals were just not in my favor today. And if they don’t get better, then it is back to those who can help the scales tip in my favor.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s