The Grass is Greener and the Lights are Brighter

I think it’s hard to be a female in a male driven profession. I feel like that statement goes without saying and it’s hard to find any position that isn’t in a male driven profession. Let’s be honest, they have a head start. Women working outside the home was not truly socially acceptable until the early 1900’s and even then it was severely frowned upon. I mean we couldn’t even vote until 1920. This post could easily turn into a broad essay on feminism and the injustice that still exists in the work force architecture, even today. And in a way that is what this post is, but it’s much more personal than that.

I am a theatre artist. I like to consider myself a chameleon. That I am able to float with ease between a director, choreographer, performer, and instructor. That I am equally desired for all of my abilities, and that I am on the forefront of peoples minds in considering what productions they might be selecting or casting. I have worked very hard to make breakthroughs with my directorial ambitions. When I was diagnosed I began to notice the physical toll that performing was taking on me. My brain was still 100% in whatever role I was fortunate enough to be cast in, but I found myself struggling to make my body keep up. With this new found limitation I decided it was time to take a hold of the directorial aspect of my passion. Although equally as taxing, there was much more brain work involved. And even on my roughest days my brain is still with it. All of this being said, there is still a part of me that misses performing as much as I used to. Performing in four or five shows a season was not uncommon. But now I watch as others build their performance resumes and I sit on the sidelines hoping that someone will want me in a project or a production that I can embrace with as much passion as I used to.

More personally, I am envious of Noah. He has the passion that every actor should about creating a character worth investing in. He enters the stage and you instantly want to know more about who he is as a character and what he is going to do next. He is a dream for every director to work with. He takes direction well and trusts fully the director’s vision for a production. Other actors enjoy working with him, because they know he will give them whatever is needed to make the scene and the production what it should be. But here is where the sad part comes in. In my arrogance, I like to think that I possess these qualities too. The difference being I am not the one that is on the forefront of directors minds as they select their casts. I am not the first person someone calls. I am lucky if I am considered as a possibility merely because “If we use Noah, we could use Angela to fill out that crowd scene”.

I know I am good at what I do. Being a director is one of my greatest accomplishments. There are moments where I feel like I am truly a theatrical artist. I just think that sometimes the grass in greener on the other side.

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