“I could say something…”

I am sitting outside working up the courage to go in. I have Eli with me and I have taken my meds but I don’t know why, I still cannot make myself go in there. I set myself up. I put myself in these situations where I know I will say something wrong or stupid and it will bite me in the ass. Best case, everyone laughs at me. Worst case, I get hurt. This time it was both. I was so out of place but should have felt in place that I looked foolish for feeling out of place. Does that even make sense. I’m not sure it does to me.
Then I was talking about someone, which is something I just need to learn to never do, and I said that I agreed with someone about this persons unreliability. Then the person next to them did that thing that I find so arrogant I just want to smack the smug off of them. In relation to me said “Well, I could say something mean right now, but I won’t.”
1. You already have. You have implied that I am unreliable as well.
2. Don’t pat yourself on the back as if you have done some grand thing by not saying out loud what you have implied. The implication is insult enough.
But what is worse is I let it get to me. My heart hurt. One of my biggest fears is that I am unreliable and not present. That I will let someone down. That I am unable to follow through. And there it was, my biggest fear strung out in front of me. I don’t even care about how this person views me professionally. It is just how much everyone else kisses their ass and seem to respect his views. My concern is over the damage he could do to my reputation. So now I feel like I must work harder. To prove him wrong. To prove everyone who now listens to this balloon headed little twats thoughts of me wrong. Because people I care about, people I love, seem to love them as well. Which makes me wonder a lot about myself and relationships and alliances.
I’m realizing their aren’t any. Or if there are, they are few and far between. I feel like some of my friends would drop me like a penny in a heartbeat. I say a penny because it has now become more expensive to make a penny than the actual penny is worth. And that’s what I feel like right now. I am more trouble than I am worth.
I know this will pass. But the dark is dark. It all comes to the top in the dark for some reason. It is easy to hide in the dark. So easy. Right now, I’m going to hide.


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