Alone but Surrounded

There are times when I feel alone.
There are times when I feel surrounded.
I can’t breathe either way. At least not well.
I try to prepare my self for social situations. I try to line up my topics of conversation so I always have something to talk about if a silence occurs.
When things are out of my control I stress more.
I know everyone does but it is the little stuff that gets to me. Sometimes I avoid going out to dinner just because I am so worried about where everyone will sit. I get panicked I will be in a corner and wont be able to get out. Not if there is like a fire or something. More so if there is a moment where I feel uncomfortable and need to run to the bathroom to regain my composure. I know people will let me out, but then it becomes a scene. I hate making a scene.
I try to prepare myself for the worst. There is a line in the play I am working on where the character says something along the lines of  I look in mirrors so I know exactly how ugly I am. That way no one can say anything I don’t already know. I do the same. Not just in the mirror but with every aspect of my life. I make my self aware of how little I can control. I prep my self for the assholes that call me lazy and unreliable because they have no idea how hard I fight to stay awake some days much less work. They are the same assholes that would rather me just wait to die than live my life.
I know that most people are not like that. It is just that I have to prepare myself for when one of those monsters rears their ugly head because they tend to be the loudest. They make themselves heard. They are the emotional bullies. The ones who are not content to just keep things to themselves or a small group of confidants. They feel the need to make comments about you to everyone in the group that you are a part of.
I try to prepare myself for being in large groups where monsters may lurk.
I also try to prepare myself for the lonely moments that follow where I feel my soul sinking and my breath being knocked out of me.
I have learned, you can’t prepare either.


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