I want to like myself again.
Right now I feel like I am failing at almost everything I do. I don’t feel like I am caring for my mom the way I should. I find myself getting frustrated and I wonder how Noah does this when I am stuck in the hospital. I am mad at the medical field and everyone in it. I get bitter towards half ass nurses who have the worst job ever but should know that they have the worst job ever and either figure out how to do it and not take it out on their patients or get the hell out of the medical field. I can barely look the social worker in the eyes because I have asked him for a set of papers a few times and he still has not given them to me. I am afraid that the next time I speak I may explode.
I feel everyday like I should be somewhere and that I am forgetting something. I can’t decide if we are packed for real or if we are missing stuff. Let me rephrase, we are missing stuff but I feel like I am broken. Like i just don’t know how to pack some of this stuff. If I am sitting still I feel like I should be doing something and then I get so flustered that I lose control and do something pointless like eat, or look up things I want in my new house but can never afford.
But worst of all, my weight is at an all time high which has sent my self esteem to an all time low. Between not feeling like I am a capable adult and my uncontrollable desire to eat everything in front of me my life is spiraling out of control. I have been lying in bed for the past 4 hours thinking about everything from my students to where to put stuff in my new house.
Like always, I know this will pass but it always seems to be the darkness that brings the emotional darkness. Light will come. I just have to hope sooner than later.


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