Sickie Sheet

When I was little I had this bed sheet I called my Sickie Sheet. It was reserved for those times when I was running a fever or extremely nauseous and did not want anything touching me but still needed comfort. I have no idea how old this sheet is but judging by the wear and tear and its extraordinary softness I can only imagine it must have lived through the depression and come out a better linen.
For a large part of my adulthood my Sickie Sheet has been missing. There are many times I would think about it and wish I had it. It’s like having the comfort of a blanket but on a much larger scale. It is what angel wings must feel like. I remember wishing I had it when I moved into my first solo apartment. I had never lived alone. As independent as I felt, I was also terrified.
I wanted it when I had my 6 month stent in the hospital and was unsure if my life was going to end. I was always so afraid to be touched. I never knew what was going to hurt and what wasn’t. Sometimes the nurses could come in and search for veins for what felt like hours and I never felt a thing. But the second they took the band-aid off it felt like someone had cut me with a sword. I needed those angel wings then.
As we were moving, by some grace, I have found it again. My sickie sheet lives! I feel like it could not have come at a better time. I feel through its soft gentle fibers it holds me together and reminds me that just because I am gentle does not mean I am weak. This is not a weakness. Jenny Lawson calls it a super power and in a very dark way it is. When the light comes, I will know it and celebrate it more than those who get to see it daily. I will bask while others will simply see.
Not to say that there is not a lack of appreciation we all appreciate the light. But like any type of health, it is taken for granted until it is taken from you. It is not a fault. No one should go around worrying all the time what it would be like to lose any type of physical or mental faculty. That would create an unbelievable sadness that those of us who are fighting to keep our health would have to fight harder to show that “it’s not so bad.”We can’t do that. I can’t do that. This sucks. I’m an actor, but I’m not that good!
So don’t worry. Love the light. Let us cling to our Sickie Sheets when we need them and bask in the light when we find it.

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