Revisiting Elephant

I am trying to breathe in the good air and out the bad. I lit a candle and am trying to allow the smell to engage some sort of relaxing energy.
I am all too familiar with this feeling.
Tonight was a great night. I spent it with friends that I love playing games and talking about issues, gossip, and all the other things friends do to level the playing field when they feel that one in their clan has been attacked. We even made hot cocoa and lit a candle to put in the whipped cream to sing Happy Birthday to our friend in the waning minuets of her birthday.
Just listing out those few moments of happy has already helped make the elephant on my chest adjust her weight a little.
I know this feeling. It is panic and anxiety through and through. If I have not messed something up yet, I will. If have messed something up, there is nothing I can do about it. There is a strange familiar feeling of uselessness that is pressing on me. I feel like I cannot do anything right so I should just do nothing at all. I want to stay in bed and hide and that is not a choice. So many things depend on me just getting out of bed and I know that is everyday for so many people but right now, for whatever reason, that pressure is too much.
I am going to keep breathing. I am going to hope that my elephant will take up residency beside me rather than on top of me. I have to tell myself that this will pass. No one has ever died of a panic attack.



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