It won’t go away…

Today was bad/good. I could not make myself move. I wanted to get out of bed and I could not. I slept for 14 hours. It hurt to move. I kept hearing Eli in the other room and I wanted him so badly but I couldn’t pull it together enough to get out of bed. I am a bad mother. I just don’t know how much longer I have before he notices. He is 20 months. Right now, Noah loves me enough to cover all of his general care but I know he can only handle so much more before he caves. I am a bad wife. I have a really rare cancer that attacks my immune system and my energy level and it is hard to tell if it is my depression or my PNH attacking me.
Somehow I managed to rally at about 3:00. I forced myself to do something. Something other than feel sorry for myself. Something other than let the depression win the rest of the day. So I went out with Noah and some friends. I realized when I got out that I had forgotten my medication and tried not to panic but I genuinely had a good time. But after a while I felt myself forcing my way through things. I kept telling myself to go. Friends were telling me to come along and I did because I felt the need to push. So I did. But it was a struggle.
But I made it. I hate to put it that way because it sounds like I don’t like my friends but I do. I want to have friends, I just don’t want to socialize. I know that makes no sense, but it’s how I feel. I love the people I love. I don’t want to be lonely, I just want to be alone. One day I may live a normal life. My meds will balance me out perfectly and I will not have any days like this. Until then, I will just have to keep pushing through.


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