Here I am

Right now I feel slightly unstoppable. That is not to say that everything is going my way or that i am happy all the time. It is just a major shift from where I was a few days ago. Honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago. I think struggle can do that. I think living in a depressive state can make you feel like time has slowed down in a way. And at other times you feel it speeding up. You see your life racing by you and you feel like you are missing out on so much when in all reality, life never stops rolling along. It is a constant. In someways that is a good thing. In other ways, it’s not so much. Sometimes you just want to stop time for just a second so you can breath in a moment, hold it close just a little longer. At times it’s the contrary. I can remember being in school, wishing the day would fly by.
These are the times I want to hold on to. I take pictures, make mental notes, write more, make sure to speak kindly to more people, push myself to be the kind of person I know that I am but sometimes gets trapped behind this wall of darkness. Last night before I went on stage I said to one of my cast members “Shit, I forgot to take a Xanax!” She looked at me for a hot minute and I quickly explained “Nothing is going to go wrong or anything! Promise! It just helps me not shake as much on stage. You’re not going to find me curled up in a corner saying ‘I CAN’T GO ON’ stage because I am not medicated! I’m not quite that level of crazy actor!”
She sighed and then explained that literally the show she had done RIGHT BEFORE this one, they had a girl who did that. The director had no idea she had any mental health issues despite the fact that along with her panic attacks she was prone to seizures and running and hiding. PLEASE hear me say, I understand that mental illness takes on all forms and effects us all differently. But at some point you have to know your limitations and you have to know when it is time to make someone aware of what might happen in case of an emergency.
Regardless, I understood her concern but was glad that I could comfort her nerves. Later I explained my condition in full because, when I am not in one of my fogs,  I am not one to hide. I wear all of my conditions proudly, like badges of honor. I don’t bring them up randomly. But if they come up, like they did, I don’t mind sharing. This was a chance for me to open up to a person who could be an awesome new friend. New friends are hard when you are in your bubble of depression. But when you are feeling as I am now, new friends are exciting.


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