It’s nice to know that it’s not just postpartum depression. My levels were ridiculously low. It was the first time my Hemoglobin has been below 10 in months. Still not low enough to transfuse but enough to scare me. And then just to add powdered sugar on top, I broke out in hives when they gave me my platelets so they had to give me double my normal dose of Benadryl. I can hardly walk. Needless to say, it has been a “fun” day. I kept telling myself I could power through the day. That once I got home that everything would be fine. That I could take care of Eli and Noah could go to rehearsal and everything would be great.
But I can’t.
I can’t do it.
It is tearing me up. I want to be strong. I made it through every single R&J rehearsal. Yes, I struggled. But I was responsible for one person, me. I know my limitations. I know when to pull back and when to push. I was responsible for me and no one else. If something went wrong, it only effected me. Now I am effecting Noah and Eli and I can hardly breathe just thinking about it. I’m helpless. Between the depression, the low numbers, the Benadryl, the bruises, and just the overall feeling of uselessness, the hurt indescribable. At the hospital, they always ask me “On a scale of 1-10, what would you rate your pain and where would you say it’s located?” I didn’t know how to answer.
– I am covered with bruises so much so that it hurts to sit.
– My platelets have not been above 20 the past 2 times I have had them checked in the past 2 weeks so that scares the shit out of me.
– My port randomly has a shooting pain go through it.
– Somehow I missed my appointment with my therapist and don’t know if I can afford to pay the fine to be able to see her, or anyone in her practice including my psychologist, until the end of the month and now is the time when I need her the most. I’m going to have to start a go fund me for 175 dollars so I can pay off this fee. I really need to see my shrink because right now because I am just HOPING I am getting the flu because that will be easier than a bout of depression. At least no one looks twice at you when you say you have the flu. But when your body is destroying itself in a way that is not a clinical virus, no one cares.
– My heart hurts because one of the best role I will ever play is gone.
– My real life has been suffering due to all of these things and the guilt is unreal.
So …8…maybe. I don’t know.
As I feel the depression in setting in harder and harder, I try to tell myself that, like always, this too will pass. There will always be something else. At least I have to hope there will be. With my condition I always worry, will this be my last. Every show is so taxing on my body, but I love it. It makes me feel like I am still alive, like I am not some delicate flower. In the moment, I had it all. That’s what is hard to walk away from. Now I am back to being that flower. Careful, cautious, no risk, so no reward. And I have no problem taking time. Trust me, I love the break. I guess it’s hard not knowing IF there will be a next time.
Some of my actor friends ask me, how do you cry with so much emotion on stage? The answer is, I don’t push it. I just let it happen. I take a truly sad moment and I let it move me. If it does, great. If not, I’m not going to force it. I have to do the same with this. For now, I will just try to let go. I will try to let it all go. It’s hard. There’s lots of tears, pain, sighs, and fog surrounding me right now. I just can’t force it to go away. It will happen when I am ready.