Same thoughts – Old post

*Tonight I cheated. This is a old blog post from an old blog I attempted to start back in 2014. At this time I still owned my own The Academy of Theatrical Arts. However, the emotion behind it still rings true and I just thought I would share.*

There are two  traits that I cannot stand,  selfishness and laziness. I think these things bother me so much because so many people have called me one, if not both, of these things. It hurt so bad that now feel like I will make up for it for the rest of my life. I remember each insult being hurdled at me as if it was done yesterday. I think it is so vivid for me because I know I have MANY vices, however, there are two things that I work hard not to be and I dislike these qualities in others. I even go so far as to protect myself from others when I see them so I am not associated with such poisonous behaviors. Please know that I am talking about these behaviors in extreme cases. We all have our moments.

Today, laziness is the affliction. I have been fighting a cold (yes, just a cold) since Monday. It has been cold and “snowy” all week. It has the perfect storm for laying in bed with hot tea, a good book, my puppies and doing NOTHING. For a day or so, it was fine. But then I did start to get a little stir crazy. I did hold classes for the second half of the week but Friday was a long day. I had chemo, a transfusion, a magnesium infusion, went to the grocery, taught dance, and then went into rehearsal (just to watch) but as always, being around a group of people and keeping up the “I am totally fine” act is tiring. By that evening, I was a goner! Which leads me to today.

I am having a very hard time being okay. The fact is what should have been a “normal” day for anyone else, has left me flat on my ass. I just cannot help feeling like I am not only weak but lazy. That I SHOULD just push though and do everything despite how I feel. Because that is what everyone else does.

Most people dream of lazy days. Days of vacation and doing nothing. Not me. I long for days filled with activity that stimulates me mentally and leaves me at the end of the day feeling full of energy. Days that wear me out, not just physically but are filled with thought, love, excitement, accomplishment, and expectations more than just going though the motions of what everyone considers normalcy. Then at the end of them, around 10:00/11:00, I can go to bed and wake up the next day at a reasonable time feeling refreshed and ready to do the day over again! But until I get those days, I just seek permission. Permission to be the last thing on earth I ever want to be. I feel like I have to ask because if not, I am truly JUST lazy.

In a way, being in the hospital and being sick is easier than being at home. If I could only find a way to teach from my hospital bed, I would allow them to admit me almost as much as they (the Doctors) want to. The only good thing about being in the hospital is there are no expectations for you. They expect you to rest. The don’t want you to get up and get things for yourself because you run the risk of falling or of disconnecting your IV so they bring you what you need.

Please hear this, I do not sit still well! But part of this is because most of the time I am supposed to sit still, I am at home where people see me not doing things and can view me as lazy. Even when I am not physically doing things, I am mentally going 100 miles an hour. Even in the hospital. I am continuously finding stimulation everywhere. As much as I LOVE and prefer the physical elements of my life, when they are not possible, I just want to be able to allow the mental aspects to be as strong with out an emotional battle first. This is when I ask for things like plays, coloring books, books on tape. And I cannot get them for myself so I have no choice. I MUST ask for them. Because if I could get them, I would.

I am sorry that this post has no real end. I am still struggling. Still fighting. I think I always will be. I think there will always be part of me that needs to know that I am not lazy. What I lack physically, I make up mentally. If I cannot be up and doing, that I am still productive in other ways. I am not positive I will ever get there. Even if I cannot stop the sleeping and the partial physical assistance, hopefully one day  I will learn those words are not me.


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