Stock pile of friends

My depression often leads me to think that people don’t like me. Not so much that they dislike me. More so that they just tolerate me. Even after I have spent large amounts of time with these people, talk to them on the phone often, had dinner with them, had them in my house, or had them STAY at my house there is just this general insecurity they are just waiting for me to get out of the way. That I should being doing something so that they will be okay being around me.
However, every now and then something clicks. I get this genuine feeling of worth. I can feel an actual relationship. There is an actual bond. My guard is down and I feel myself let go and my self-esteem is raised. Suddenly I feel like I am surrounded by people who want to be around me. They want to spend time with me. I know this sounds like common sense to most of you, but for me this is hard.
Tonight was one of those nights. I was able to let my guard down and just be with people I can call friends. I made dinner, which I love to do, but then when I sat down to eat, I felt like I could eat, relax and just be. All of a sudden, the stock pile of memories of the past times of the table surrounded by friends laughing loudly, eating, playing games, and me just enjoying the true friendship came rushing back. It was amazing! It is truly one of the best feelings in the world. Now I have one more memory to add to the ever growing pile.
One day I hope to be able to recover that pile when I find myself trapped in the hands of the depression that makes me feel like toleration is the only form of acceptance.


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