As many of you know, I have just moved into a beautiful new house. It is a “Gated Community” but they are still adding subdivisions, ours being one of them. For the most part all of the houses are finished and now they are just waiting to be bought. I do not think it will take long once people find out about our little division. Mainly because we have reasonably small houses in a community that is full of mansions and manors. Ironically, the Community is called “_________ on the Lake” but there are only a handful of houses that are on the lake. So many of the larger houses are 10-15 blocks away. This may not seem far but our little division is only a block away. If you walk to the end of our short little street, there’s the lake. Now, you cannot access it because of the mansion that is on the lake shore, but it is still a nice view all things considered.
ANYWAY, like I was saying, some of the houses on our street are just waiting to be sold. However, as I was out on my walk I noticed that some houses had been sold. At first I thought this had to be a joke. But it has been over a week so now I am convinced, I will soon have new neighbors. I am always excited about meeting new people, I am just going to have to talk to the HOA about the the house. They made a big stink about the fact that my fence was 6 feet high and not 4 feet but they are going to let this go.
I will be calling the HOA tomorrow but for now, welcome to the neighborhood!
Today we had a lunch and game day with our friend Jenn. We invited some other folks but they were lame. (AKA They probably were not out of bed yet. To be honest, I can’t blame them. If Jenn wasn’t coming to hang out, I would not have moved either.) Through a series of unfortunate events, I had to run to the store to grab some last min things for lunch. As it turned out, Jenn was just chilling at the Krispy Kream, an amazing doughnut place for those of you not from the south. So I told her I would grab her and she could come grab groceries with me and then we would head to my house for lunch.
As we were heading back from the store there was this big wreck. There were at least 3 police cars and at least 3 cars involved in the wreck. Everyone was walking and no one truly seemed to be hurt which is always good and they were pushing the cars out of the way of the 3 lanes of traffic. In doing so they had to block the entrance to a southern fast food fried chicken place called Bojangles. Jenn and I saw the blocked entrance and Jenn remarked “Well I guess no ones getting their Bojangles any time soon.” And I will be DAMNED if some ass did not turn into the lot, drive around the wrecked car, and got into the drive through! Someone wanted some chicken NOW and nothing was going to stop them! I cannot lie, I love Bojangles, but not enough to drive around a wrecked car to get some fried chicken. Only in the south!
*UPDATE ON PAST POST*
I am doing better.
The platelets seem to be helping heal some of the bruising. My mouth is still bleeding quite a bit and causes quite a bit of embarrassment.
By some miracle, I have had 3 different donors supply the funds for me to pay off the fine so that I can go see my therapist again.
I am slowly moving on from the production and sending my focus towards other projects. My concerns of “will there be another one” still linger. They just are now more towards the back of brain than the front.
The fog is starting to lift. There are still moments where I feel myself trying to force it. I need to let it be. It is lifting on it’s own.
It IS lifting.
Between being sick, Alice in Wonderland and R&J well….I miss you…
But I have more pictures! Here is what I have been doing every night this week!
And now I’m going to bed. Good night dear readers!
I know I have not written in a while but I can finally say that I am slowly crawling out of the fog. It wasn’t so much that I was hiding as I just did not want to post sad depressing posts all the time.
I honestly don’t have much to say. I had chemo today and I had to receive a transfusion as well. It was fairly standard. I do have news on the theatre and work front but honestly I am running on no sleep in the past 24 hours so I am going to have to go to bed. I just wanted to put something out their saying that I AM HERE!
I’m sledding again.
That is what we will call it this time. Sledding down an icy slope. It seems appropriate as the weather, although beautiful and sunny, has not been above freezing for the past few days.
I was hoping that it was just that wonderful thing where my lady time and my need for chemo lined up making me a hormonal mess. Sadly, I am afraid it is worse than that. My body is sore all over. I feel like I am one giant walking ball of pain. I am feeling on guard all the time. Even in places where I normally feel safe I feel like I don’t belong. I don’t feel like I belong in my own skin. I will have a breif moment of light that will quickly be snuffed out by my anxiety of how stupid my smile is, or how dumb my voice sounds, or how little I really matter. I retreat back to my own dark world.
Lately, my anxiety and my feeling of inadequacy has lead to many sleepless nights. I am not restless. I just lay there and think about all the things that you aren’t supposed to think about. I dwell on the things that I have done wrong. I create scenarios in my head of how people must talk about me when I am not around. I can hear them laugh. It is quite egotistical when you think about it. To think that I matter enough to be talked about. Then I think about that.
What if I don’t matter enough? How simple would life be if I was not a part of it. Once again, this is not a suicidal thought, this is just a thought. I have no intentions of ending my life. When I start to think about Eli growing up with out a mommy it hurts me. All I can think about is how I almost lost my life and how scared I was. It still haunts me. I think about what my life would have been if I had never held that precious boy. And it hurts. I worry that one day I will be a burden to Eli. That he will never understand his mommy like I never understood my father. That he will never forgive me. I know I am my own bag of mixed nuts and I KNOW I am not my father but I never want Eli to have memories of me that are full of fear.
And then the sun comes up. If I am lucky, Noah will lovingly take my hand and tell me to do what I need to do to make everything okay for me. Worst case, he says it through the baby monitor as he is changing Eli’s diaper. I will eventually emerge and Eli will be so happy to see me that it will set off a small spark in my heart. Sometimes it is enough for a few hours, sometimes only minutes. Either way, it is not his responsibility and it never will be. I just need him to love me. Just like I need Noah to love me. Knowing their love will be there at the end of this battle makes it simpler at times.
For now, I will go in to battle with my book on tape or binge watch some TV as my weapons because I still have not unpacked my coloring books. Noah will lay with me and stroke my hand as a tear or two roll down my face randomly and without permission. I will get through this. Just like I have gotten through every other trial of my health in my life. This is no different. I will win. It will just take time.
This Christmas they made these champagne bottles that are filled with chocolates. One of the chocolates that they have in them are Bounty bars that they really don’t have in the states. At least not in the South. So being the loving mother that I am, I got one for Eli for Christmas. And Eli, being the loving son that he is, has shared with everyone in the house. Now they are 50% off because they are out of season. Which begs the question, when do champagne bottle full of chocolate go out of season and why? I cannot think of a time when it would be inappropriate to bring someone a champagne bottle full of chocolate. If it is appropriate to bring champagne, then it is appropriate to bring a bottle full of chocolate. There is really no point to this post other than I am now going to go buy every champagne bottle of chocolate to either eat or give as gifts. Either way, this cannot go wrong.