Guards Up!

Please pardon this post as I have been drinking… This should be fun…
Let’s start with the fact that my therapists is moving offices and will only be at there on Friday’s which is one of the 3 days a week that I work. Awesome! So now I get to go therapist shopping again. I am hoping I can find one in the same office because that is where my pill doc is but who knows! I hate this. I hate having to find a new “pay-a-friend”. Mainly because so many have different technique and ideas on what I should be talking about that I just want to find the person that is going to tell me what kind of screwed up I am because of who I am now. My current therapist used to tell me it is a miracle that I turned out so normal as I am. I never quite knew what that meant seeing as I have so many issues now. Granted, it has given me some super powers, as Noah likes to say, but it has also given me major issues.
I tend to be able to get a good read on most. I tend to be able to tell what their fears are, what’s wrong with life, what’s right with life, even sometimes what they are hiding mainly because they are either not hiding it well or no one else has taken the time to notice like I have. For me it just takes a split second. I don’t have to dwell on it. I don’t study people. I realize that what I said makes it sound like I sit around and have nothing better to do than follow people and know their inner workings. That’s not it. It’s just a feeling. I’m not always right. Sometimes I over complicate things. Sometimes it ends up being nothing more than a passing feeling and then I move on with my day.
But every now and then I make a friend out someone who I have had a feeling about. Sometimes I am able to help, even if that means just being an ear. The only advice I can offer is to go with you instincts. If something is making you unhappy, then it is time to let it go. If something is bring light into your life, you need to surround your self with it. Things that are in general, good advice. Sometimes it is hard because it means cutting ties where you never thought you would have to. But if that tie is dragging you down, it’s time to let it go. All I can do is remind you of the happy and the sad and try to bring you to the light in your life. Essentially, I’m a damn fortune cookie.
When it gets bad for me is when it goes past “fortune cookie” mode and I actually start caring. Not that I don’t care before, but when I actually start looking for someone to care about me as well. That’s when I’M in trouble. It’s easy for me to sit out from the sidelines and help someone feel validated. However, when I start looking for validation from someone and it’s not there…I just feel like my meters off. Like I said, normally I am good at reading people. I can tell what’s going on. And I can normally tell when a relationship is one sided and for me, that’s okay as long as I know that going in. But every now and then I miss the mark and holy cow does it sting. That’s when the commit-i-phobe in me comes flying out and my trust issues go through the roof. My guard is up and my walls are armed.
I am trying to tell myself that my meter is off. That this time I’m just reading the situation wrong. That they really do care and I am not left alone to make everything work the way it should. It is times like this that I start to feel the distance between me and the relationships I have already established. I know this will pass. I know that my meter is not off. I know if Noah was awake, instead of snoring next me, that he would tell me that everything is fine and to go to sleep. So I will. I will slowly let my guard down. I will have faith.
I just keep telling myself, if I didn’t care as much as I did, and I had my life together, no one would know who I was.


March Madness (theatre geek style)

Long time no see.

Partly because life is dull. The theatre I often get contracted at is doing it’s large fundraiser which is a sort of March Madness (a Basketball Tournament for those who don’t speak sports, like me!) for theatre geeks. They have pit plays up against each other and every vote (point) is 1$. The play with the most points at the end of each round progresses to the next round until the final count down. Well, here we are. The final count down. It is an amazing version of Robin Hood vs. a play called The Curious Savage which I am not very excited about. Each round Savage has managed to sneak in at the last minute and win.
Needless to say, I would really love to do Robin Hood. I feel like there are a lot of fun things that can be done with the script. Between the stage combat, the romance, the comedy and the heart, I feel like it stands a real chance to be something that could be a strong piece of theatre. Something that doesn’t have to be adapted, cut-and-pasted, or adjusted by the director so that it has will have some value to an audience. It’s not everyday you stumble across a script with all of these elements.
But, I am not allowed to voice my opinion publicly. Hence why you are reading it here. I am not allow to show bias in anyway. I just have to sit back and watch it all unfold. My anxiety is high but I am trying to stay mellow and tell myself that no matter what happens, it will be a good summer. Let me rephrase that. It will be a summer of theatre. And I love theatre.

If you feel like Donating, here is how. Remember, every vote counts. Last time Robin Hood just barely squeaked in so they really do count!
Here is how you cast your vote:
– Visit
– Click the large yellow DONATE button at the right of your screen
– Enter the amount you wish to donate.
– Where it says “Write a note”, write in the show you want your votes to go for. Each dollar is one vote!

Why not play on St. Patrick’s Day?

Like most people do on St. Pat’s day, Noah, Jen, and I headed down to a festival for some Irish fun. Because everyone is Irish on St.Patrick’s Day, right? Anyway, this festival was really fun. It was part get drunk like a stereotypical Irish tradition AND a food truck festival! Since I have not been in the “get drunk in bar and stumble to my car”  for a few years now (With the exception of one night a year at the beach but that’s another story.) I was super stoked about the food trucks. We went and got something from each truck and tried EVERYTHING! It was insane! This guy sitting next to me had said that one of the things we had looked  The amount of food consumed was ridiculous. We could not eat it all! This guy next to us helped us eat some of our spring rolls. I will say at one point I did want a green beer but did not have any cash on me. So the guy who helped shared the spring rolls with us gave me 3 bucks so I could get one. How awesome was that!
Then we went into the bar to grab me a beer and we found a lady who was doing face painting. It was more like face art! It was crazy awesome. All 3 of us had our faces done. While we were in there we also ran into one of our friends from the theatre, Sam, who’s dad just happened to be the lead singer in the band. They managed to get us Jen and me a drink which was really nice and was a great cut off point for me and maybe a little past a cut off point for dear Jen. Oh, sweet sweet light weight Jen. Please here me say, I love to drink until I can’t feel my face, I just like to be at home on my sofa. That way, I don’t have hit the floor quite so hard. There is no judgment coming at Jen from me. I love me some drunk Jen!
We had the best time. I don’t know how St. Patrick’s day retailed I would say the evening was, but it was still a fabulous time!  Happy St. Pat’s!

Sword fighting snow

It has been one messed up day!

Somehow North Carolina missed that it is in the South and that it is now March and it should not be snowing! But it is! Not as much as it did before but enough to get school canceled! Which my lazy, anxiety ridden, I don’t want to leave my safe space self was super excited about. But my I need to make money to pay bill and save up for this trip that I am never ever going to be able to afford self was super bummed. I also got bummed because one of the things that I do love coming out of my “hidie-hole” (aka my safe space. But safe space just sounds so clinical.) for is our stage combat class.
I really like this class. I feel like it’s something I could get good at. It’s kind of hard to explain right now, but I think a lot of it has to do with all of the body shaming issues I have been dealing with lately, I don’t feel them there. Now, I still get pissed as all get out when I cannot get something right! But I love it so I have no problem doing it 100x’s over. My poor bar chair does. And Noah is kinda tired of me constantly saying ” Are you Ryan? Are you Eliana? Then back off.” I think our marriage will make it. I’m also glad the cops have not been called by our neighbors. Not because of the yelling so much but because of the constant “Do you want to attack or defend?”
Despite the fact that we did not have class, Noah and I went and practiced in the yard until we couldn’t take it anymore. Here is a video of us attempting to go through the first basic 5 defend and attack sequences with “swords” while Gwen attempted to upstage us as a dog. She wins.

Stock pile of friends

My depression often leads me to think that people don’t like me. Not so much that they dislike me. More so that they just tolerate me. Even after I have spent large amounts of time with these people, talk to them on the phone often, had dinner with them, had them in my house, or had them STAY at my house there is just this general insecurity they are just waiting for me to get out of the way. That I should being doing something so that they will be okay being around me.
However, every now and then something clicks. I get this genuine feeling of worth. I can feel an actual relationship. There is an actual bond. My guard is down and I feel myself let go and my self-esteem is raised. Suddenly I feel like I am surrounded by people who want to be around me. They want to spend time with me. I know this sounds like common sense to most of you, but for me this is hard.
Tonight was one of those nights. I was able to let my guard down and just be with people I can call friends. I made dinner, which I love to do, but then when I sat down to eat, I felt like I could eat, relax and just be. All of a sudden, the stock pile of memories of the past times of the table surrounded by friends laughing loudly, eating, playing games, and me just enjoying the true friendship came rushing back. It was amazing! It is truly one of the best feelings in the world. Now I have one more memory to add to the ever growing pile.
One day I hope to be able to recover that pile when I find myself trapped in the hands of the depression that makes me feel like toleration is the only form of acceptance.


As many of you know, I have just moved into a beautiful new house. It is a “Gated Community” but they are still adding subdivisions, ours being one of them. For the most part all of the houses are finished and now they are just waiting to be bought. I do not think it will take long once people find out about our little division. Mainly because we have reasonably small houses in a community that is full of mansions and manors. Ironically, the Community is called “_________ on the Lake” but there are only a handful of houses that are on the lake. So many of the larger houses are 10-15 blocks away. This may not seem far but our little division is only a block away. If you walk to the end of our short little street, there’s the lake. Now, you cannot access it because of the mansion that is on the lake shore, but it is still a nice view all things considered.

ANYWAY, like I was saying, some of the houses on our street are just waiting to be sold. However, as I was out on my walk I noticed that some houses had been sold. At first I thought this had to be a joke. But it has been over a week so now I am convinced, I will soon have new neighbors. I am always excited about meeting new people, I am just going to have to talk to the HOA about the the house. They made a big stink about the fact that my fence was 6 feet high and not 4 feet but they are going to let this go.

I will be calling the HOA tomorrow but for now, welcome to the neighborhood!


This just sucked

I have so many reservations writing about this. Know that we all have “that thing”. I have many. However, this is my biggie. Please, be gentle.

Tonight I made myself venture out and audition for a show that I knew would be a stretch for me. Not that the role would be a stretch, it would just be landing the role that would be difficult. Not to mention that this director is somewhat infamous for not liking larger people. Mainly larger women. For those of you who don’t know, I am on the large side. Always have been, more than likely always will be. I am trying to comfortably come to terms with the fact that I will always be, to put it the only way I can think of, fat. But tonight I did not do myself ANY favors.
In addition to being the largest person there, I also managed to tank my audition. Then, just to put the icing on the cake, the director said to me as I was leaving “Look at you, holding your own with all those small dancer girls.”
Lets start with the fact that I have a dance background. I have been dancing for over 20 years. I have studied with some of the best and have a much larger background than “those small dancer girls.”
Now lets move on the the crushing blow to my self-esteem. As soon as she said it I felt the knot rise up in my throat. Even now, tears are coming to my eyes. I wanted to turn and run but sadly all I said was “Thank you.” I said THANK YOU! What the hell? I just thanked someone for body shaming me! I know I am not small. I can look in a mirror and see that. It was mostly the phrase “keep up with” that, to me, implied someone who was not a small dancer girl would struggle. Someone untrained. Or worse, someone large.
With the help of my friend, I have moved past tanking my audition. He brought up a really great point. Why would I want to work with someone condescending? Auditions are like interviews. She was testing us as much as we were testing her. When I direct, I get nervous. I know my auditionees are looking to see how I will run things, how do I give direction, and how do I treat people. We all slip up and say the wrong thing, and I want to believe that is what happened. I want to believe the good. I am very thick skinned. I can hear no 100 times and not bat an eye.
This one just hit a little too hard.