I slept until 1pm and I am still tired!
Is that possible? How can one person be so sleepy? I am just…wiped out! Done! Hang me up to dry! Stick a fork in me!
I did at least do good things today. I showered. For some, I know, not a big deal. But when you live with limited spoons you count the days that you shower and you don’t have to then go lie down because you need a nap from all the energy you have just used taking that shower as a win!
I did a show again. I was proud. It was well attended and well performed which is all a director can really hope for.
And, I got to go see my friend. She looks better every time I see her. Like almost to the extent that at any point I expect to go in and she is going to be speaking. I did something today that I had not done yet which is touch her. The reason why I had not was a selfish one. I knew that I would cry. I knew I would not be able to fight back tears anymore. And that’s not okay. It’s selfish to cry when someone else is sick. You have to stay strong for them. You have to be the strong one. They are the ones who are scared and god knows she has got to be horrified. I would be. So you have to stay strong. And I have been able to. Until today. Today I held her hand. She squeezed it so tight. I tried so hard not to cry I just kept looking around. The more I looked around the tighter her grip got until finally a tear rolled down my cheek and she let go a little. I kept telling her I was sorry and that I loved her so much. That I was not used to being here that I couldn’t do this, I knew how to be sick, but not well. She squeezed my hand but it was kind of funny. When I looked down she had squeezed my hand with the sign for I love you. I mimicked the sign and there we were. Our two signs intertwined. I did not want to let go. I did not want to move. I was waiting for her to say something like “I need my Angela time, everyone else go away!” Or maybe that’s just what I was hoping. I was hoping for anything. But for now, I will take that and carry that moment with me until the next time I get to go see her.
We did it!
Tonight there was a show.
Tonight there was an audience.
Tonight there were costumes,
Tonight there was a set.
Tonight there was music,
Tonight there were lights,
Tonight there was sound.
Tonight there were a few tears.
Tonight there was laughter.
But most important it all happened tonight. It was like it all happened on the due date and not a moment sooner. I would rather some of the work have come in a little ahead of schedule but none the less…I will take it.
So 2 more days here then I am off to another similar project for another 2 weeks.
“Why? ” A sane person might ask.
Why be sane when being insane is so much more fun? To see inside the sanity of others. Sane people stay on the outside always looking in. Always afraid to jump in. Insane folks are just willing to jump. As Ben Franklin said “I did not fail that test! I just found 100 ways to get it wrong.”
So 2 more days with this project then the tally goes back to 0 and I am off to find 100 ways to get it wrong. Because you really only need 1 way to get it right. Not saying there cannot be more. But don’t be greedy. Once you have found yours, go with it. It is like no one elses. It is yours. Your way 101.
I am a time optimist.
This sounds like it’s a good thing and sometimes it is. I always think that I can get more accomplished in the time I have than I actually can. “10 min until we have to leave for the party? Let me throw a dip together.” “20 min until 100 people are going to be at my house? Let me hop a quick shower.” I never seem to understand why people are always talking about “not enough hours in the day”. In my mind I just think they are not using them right. Or they are choosing to spend them a way that is not always to their liking and that is their own personal problem.
Seeing that written, I am very judgmental with my assumptions of other peoples time. WOW!
Because I am just now starting to realize that sometimes it cannot ALL get done. That sometimes you have to let things go. I have already had this issue with learning to delegate tasks to other people. In an effort to never make anyone ever feel inferior, I would always assume every responsibility with the result that people were standing around waiting to be given a specific task and I just decided I would do them all. (I was never really able to do them all!) So now I have gotten better about delegating but sometimes there is no one to delegate things to so we end up with…
Me. Struggling with my time optimism. Clinging to projects like Rose clung to Jack in Titanic. Refusing to recognize that I am just holding on to a really cold dead guy in the middle of the ocean and that at some point I am going to have to let go before it gets even harder to let go. And is it just me or was there really NO ONE ELSE around that could have helped them out? Did he really have to die? I mean for my metaphor and the movie he did but really? REALLY?
All this to say I am afraid there are some projects that I am going to have to let go of. Some things that are simply not going to be able to be exactly like I want them to be. As hard as this is for me, I am trying to tell myself that what I have is still wonderful, because it is. I am proud of my time.
Summer is the craziest time for me.
This is counter intuitive to most teachers but for me being only a part time teacher it works like this.
Direct 3 full length shows
2 weeks of rehearsals each
1-2 days to build a set
may or may not have a stage manager
may or may not have a producer
shows are hard to cast because it’s summer
audiences only want to see light and fun shows or something they recognize
The rest of the year:
I teach super part time and direct one 45 min to 1 hour show.
I get roughly 9 weeks to rehearse
The parents help me build the set and I get as long as I need in those 9 weeks.
One of my older students can stage manage
The school produces and any parent would be willing to help me at any point
I work on shows with kids who want to do theatre or at least their parents want them to so getting them to rehearsals is not a problem
Getting an audiance is not hard because it’s the parents and friends who all come out to see their child or friend perform.
I also Direct a show at the same theatre that I do summer theatre but…
I get 6 weeks to do 1 production
I have a set designer who takes my vision into account but will build what I need
I have a stage manager
I have producer
I have a lighting designer
I have a sound designer
I have a costume designer
The shows are easier to cast because everyone is back to the normal schedule of work and vacations are fewer
Audiences are more likely to take a chance because they are ticket holders or because there is less to do outside as the seasons change.
So yeah…right now…life is a little on the crazy end. But I just have to keep looking for the light. Not so much the light at the end of the tunnel, but the light in each day. And it’s not that hard. Tonight my actors were on. I was proud. They worked hard. Characters were really coming to life and things that I did not think were ever going to work really started to come together. I was proud. Tonight was a show. And tomorrow will be even better. And Friday, we will have an audience, of some sort, and they will get truly get to see something of value. Something I am proud of. Something they should be proud of too. However, I am trying not to be too prideful because after all, pride goes before the fall. And despite the fact that I don’t feel like I have far to fall, I don’t want to test fate. After all, falling hurts. And I bruise like a peach. So yeah…lets not push it.
I am worried that my anxiety and depression keeps me from being part of my sons life.
Let me rephrase. I KNOW my anxiety and depression keeps me from being part of my sons life. And I know I have said this before, but that depresses me. So it is like this vicious cycle of depression and disappointment that is keeping me from being with my son sometimes.
On the upside, it is only sometimes.
On the downside, it is right now. Or, I am coming down with something. Or, things are truly so crazy that I have every right to feel depressed.
This is still a different type of depression than I felt when I was working at the horrible job. There are a lot of things I am feeling but NONE of them are unappreciated which makes everything worth it for me. A little appreciation goes a LONG way for me. Still, there is a lot of things in life that are just actually worth being upset about. The things that I am stressed about are the things that I should be stressed about, not the things that someone else wants me to be stressed about. I felt like for a while there, I was only allowed to worry about the things that were of other peoples concerns. My actual concerns were having to be stifled. It was beyond unhealthy.
At least now I can confront my issues head on. Well…I could confront them. But I don’t. I don’t know if it is a lack of meds or too many as I try to make myself untouchable, but I just can’t feel anything but panic. When I wake up, I feel like someone has snatched my breath away. I try to distract myself, food, tv, books, coloring, but nothing works. Sometimes I can take enough medication to knock me back out but by the time I come to I feel like I have slept too much and the panic sets back in. Then I work way too hard to catch back up and I am exhausted and somehow still feel like it’s not enough. Then I start to feel depressed about everything that I have not done. Not just at work, but at home, with my family, and with my friend who I feel needs me right now more than she ever had. This is mainly because she never has. But I always have needed her. And now she needs me and I cannot get my shit together enough to be there for her. Or Eli. Or my cast. Or my Family. Or anyone.
And here we are. Back in that cycle.
Lets just hope it’s that I need a nap or an antibiotic. Right???
Tonight someone asked me if I was going to have my “growth taken care of”.
It took me a good 3 minutes to figure out what they were talking about. They were talking about my port. Then I got super self conscious and proceeded to give them WAY too much information about my life. All while poking at it and in the long run hurting myself. I try to act like it does not hurt and it doesn’t hurt all the time. But if you poke at anything long enough, especially something that gets stabbed with a needle once a week and has been operated on twice, it’s going to hurt. I came home and took some pain medicine but now I am somewhat out of it which means that if I had no analytical work to be done I would be fine. But now I have to put that off until tomorrow and try to do as much creative work as I can.
It also means that I cannot go see my friend tonight which I really wanted to do. Hopefully I will get to tomorrow. So much has gone down in the past few days that I wish I could tell her about I think just seeing her will do me good. I have also considered starting a new blog just titled “Shit I wanted to tell you!”. Then when she has the wherewithal to read it, if she wants to, she can. I can tell you, I am over people posting publicly about her. She is a very private person. I know everyone is very concerned about her but I feel like she does not want the world knowing her business. She selected people to come visit her because she did not want the world knowing how bad her situation was. I feel like people who post about their visits with her are taking advantage of a privilege that she has given them. If she wanted the world to know how she looked and how bad her situation was, she would just allow anyone to visit her.
Maybe it’s just the meds talking. I should just count my blessings that I get my time with her and allow everyone to deal with their “grief” in their own way. I will go see her tomorrow. Maybe I will take Eli. Even if he can’t see her, he can spend some time with her parents. I am sure he would love to see them and vice versa. He loves everyone. He’s just kinda great like that.
I am not sure what has transpired. I have been a sort of depression-panic-must-get-stuff-done-never-doing-enough funnel of doom for the past I don’t know how many hours. But I think the dust is finally clearing. The light is starting to peek though the curtains and although it hurts my eyes, it is better than the jarring alarm that just went off. I think I will hit snooze for another 10 min.
I hit snooze one too many times and was left with enough time to get out the door with some a small piece of my sanity in tact.
I am home again now. Still in a fog. There seems to be this shadow of drama and chaos that will not stop following me. And I am over it. As much as I know there can be drama in theatre, I do not tend to be the one who falls into it. Yes, it may happen around me or to me. But I love to tell people “I don’t take out the trash.” In other words, I don’t deal with other peoples drama. But right now people have allowed their trash to pile up around me and my personal space and I cannot help but to wade through all of the bull shit to get to what is truly important. The production.
And my friend. I want to be with her. I want to see her. But right now I feel like even seeing her or talking about her is tainted with drama. I feel like I am the only one on the planet who has not changed over my BookFace picture to be about her and it is mainly because I DON’T THINK SHE WOULD WANT THAT EITHER! A. She was not one for BookFace and B. She was a fairly private person. I think having people posting about her looks all over the world would have her MORTIFIED!
I miss my friend so much it hurts. And I want to take time to cry about it, and I can’t. I can’t take a breath. Because I feel like if I do, someone is there to point and watch me fall apart. I feel like people are buying popcorn to my life to watch as it falls apart and everyone is there to listen and no one is here to help. I have lots of ear. I have very few hands and mine cannot hold much more.
But now that the child is asleep I will get some dinner and find more food to stress eat because, well, that is better than the other things stress has caused over the past 24 hours and my body needs a break.
I also am going to have Noah proof this. I am hoping that when I come back from getting what ever food I am going to stress eat, he will take understand how much I need him to take the rest of the night to just be with me. I know this sounds silly to put here. But if I put it here two things happen. One is that he has to read it. Two is that you know how much this amazing man does for me so when he does stupid shit in a later post you (and I) can remember all the times like this that he has saved me from myself by doing nothing but sitting here and reading to me.
2 hours of sleep is not enough for anyone to do anything. I think the fact that I have made it through today without losing my mind or my life is pretty incredible.
I am going to quit while I am ahead.
My brain is all over the place.
I keep Dove chocolate by the bed because due to my PNH my mouth bleeds and I wake up with a horrible taste in my mouth. Chocolate fixes that. But last night I unwrapped one but fell asleep mid-unwrap. I woke up and was like “Shit. Noah, I dropped a chocolate in bed. Help me find it.” And I am pretty sure he either was pissed I woke him for something so stupid or thought it was the worst dream game of hide and seek ever but either way, we looked for a minute and could not find it. That was until Gwen joined us and I saw her licking her paw. At first she looked like she had hurt herself. Then I realized she had found my chocolate. Not only found it but had been laying in it and had it on her chest and paw.
Today has been so busy I just looked over and realized she still has some on her chest because I never cleaned her off.
I managed to accurately call two people classless today. Because that’s what they are and that is what their actions were. I can feel fairly certain that if they were to confront me that I would tell them to their face that they were classless. One of them would care. The other would not. I am weird with confrontation. Sometimes I am great, sometimes I cry.
On the home from rehearsal I thought I saw a sign that said “Live Lemurs in Concert!” I got super excited. I thought like it would be an expo where they would just let the Lemurs out and the people could just be chillin with the Lemurs while music played. Then I realized it was for a band called “The Lemiers” (?) and I got disappointed.
Now I’m going to eat Cookout. Some people drink, some people eat Cookout. I do both.
I had to stop myself from making this a BookFace (what I call FaceBook) post. Mainly because I would have to make everything cryptic and here I can say what I want, share it on BookFace and those who read it will have a new understand of life and those who don’t will just move on with their lives never seeing things in this new light.
At least not on this issue.
That really has to do with only a select few.
Regardless, commitment means something to me. It means a lot. I guess it is because after I got so sick I realized how quickly things could just slip away from you. Things became so chaotic that I came to value the constant. I began to value the routine. I know that every week I went in for treatment. Every other week was lab work and some weeks were transfusions and although that was a toss-up I could plan for that toss-up so it was okay. Along with that appreciation of routine came gratitude for those who were willing to make commitments. There are many different levels of commitment. I am not just talking about the extreme commitment that Noah has made. Even those who have made 5 and 6 week commitments to productions. I appreciate that. I value that. That means something to me. You are making a commitment to me and therefore you have earned my respect and I expect the same in return. How else can a commitment work? Can you commit to something or someone you don’t respect or believe in? If not, then why are you here? Once you have commitment to something there is no turning back. That goes for breaking a commitment to someone, or me, as well.
This brings me to my next point. If you are going to burn a bridge, you had better be prepared for what’s coming. I have walked away from past employers with that bridge fully in flames. To be 100% honest, the match was set as much on their end as on mine but that is fine by me. I am committed to the fact that I will never work there again. That I will never refer anyone to them. That I will never suggest anyone send their child for any kind of education what so ever. And if they ask me why, I will give a list of reasons so long it would make Michael Jackson look like teacher of the year. I am committed to this bridge going up in flames!
But DO NOT light a match when you think no one is looking and then run away. Someone saw you. And someone told me. All of us who are committed to being directors, we all talk to one another. We may not always like one another, and we have our differences of opinions. But lets get one thing very clear, we respect one another. We are committed to be taken seriously and to do so, we must have the respect of our peers. Just like you must. Because if you are going to burn that bridge, you are going to need someone to help you rebuild it. And if you abandon an ensemble. If you just walk away for no reason, for another show, no peer is going to respect you. How do they know you have committed to their ensemble. So with no fellow actors to help you rebuild and no bridges, you are left alone. All because of a lack of commitment.
Figure it out.
Commit to something.