This move may be the death of me. I am trying not to go crazy.
I am trying to remember that soon I will be in a beautiful new house. I am trying to tell myself that everything I could ever want is going to be in this big beautiful house and I am going to love it because I am. This house is amazing and I cannot wait to be in. I just can’t help what was feeling like a simple move (or as simple as moves can be), is now turning into solo adventure that I am truly not equipped for it. I just don’t have the knowledge or the energy to do what I keep feeling like I should be able to do.
First we had people lined up to come pack us and move all of our furniture. Now, the person who was going to come do it has hurt their back and is not going to be able to do it. We also have a TON of paperwork to turn in. This would all be easy if it were things that I needed to sign and turn in, but because I do not have the credit to get the mortgage, we are having to do all of this through my mother who is currently in rehab for her broken knee. So now I have to get the list from the bank guy, print the paperwork, take it to her, get her to sign it and then take it back to the bank guys office.
Not to mention all the things that come with buying a new house. We are doing a walk through with our builder and I have had to do research on what to even look for in the walk through. This list is HUGE! I am not complaining as the house we currently live in we have more outlets that don’t work than do work and when we contacted our land lord she was like “there’s a breaker flipped” and we were like “no theirs not” and then she never did anything about it. So yeah. I’m all about the walk through, it’s just all so quickly approaching and I feel like we are SO not ready.
The biggest thing is I was really looking forward to having people to pack us and now we are having to pack ourselves. I SUCK AT PACKING. I mean like REALLY SUCK! And with the weather being what it is, I am scared to even start packing clothes. I don’t have enough boxes and liquir store only tend to have boxes that don’t have lids which, if I remember last time, really freaking sucks. Stuff falls out as you try to move and then everything slides everywhere and it’s just a hot mess.
Much like me when it comes to this move. I am just one big hot mess.
You will be proud of me. I willingly entered my own personal hell and made it out with only one Xanax.
Noah’s Dad and his girlfriend threw a party and all of their friends came. Her sister and Dad played a “concert” and because of the horrible weather it was in their house. THE ENTIRE PARTY AND CONCERT HAPPENED IN ONE AND A HALF ROOMS! I was surrounded by 25+ people I did not know and was trapped in a small space with them and no way out because despite the fact that I had parked in the top ‘private’ driveway, someone blocked me in! In addition, I could not access the booze fast enough because there was no clear way to the fridge. At one point Noah saw the panic in my eyes and told me to go to our room and exhale for a little while.
After holding the guests captive for an hour or so concert, the guests must have felt the same anxiety I did because they all bolted. The whole endeavor lasted only 3 hours but felt like it was 12. When I looked down at my watch and saw that it was only 7:30 and I had already had dinner and been stressed to the max for 3 hours, it felt like midnight!
Like I said, I survived but I am a little worse for wear. Thank god we get an extra hour tonight because, on top of all of the crazy that was tonight, Eli still thinks that party is going on. * He’s like some frat boy that does not realize that everyone has passed out and he is still going hard. He also keeps clapping for himself every time he does basically anything. It’s like his own version of telling the same joke over and over hoping that everyone will hear it and laugh even though he is the only one who finds it funny. Hopefully he will pass out here soon. Eli – your joke is no longer funny!
*Read last post for more info on that parenting fail!
Tonight I am having to write from my phone. We are staying at Noah’s dads and I am afraid Eli has had a nightmare because he will not let me or Noah put him down. We now have him at least laying in bed with us and watching a movie. I have never heard him cry like that before. It was so sad. My heart hurt hearing him cry like that. Normally he is not an overly snuggly baby but tonight he is curled up with me. As much as it hurt me to see him so pitiful, it was nice to know that I could help him. So often I feel like I can’t help him it’s nice to know that I can do something for him. Even if all I do is hold him until he stops crying.
So much for cute and cuddly. He is STILL awake at midnight and is so wound up he has no hope of falling asleep! He listened to ALL of movie and by the end he was talking to it. I feel all parents laughing at this rookie. I guess it is one you have to learn on your own. Noah is now in the other room trying to wear him out. I have told him to give me an hour and then if he is still not asleep to tap me in. We will NEVER travel with out a box fan again! As God as my witness, we will eventually learn how to do these over night trips. I also know, this will get easier.
I have been doing this thing and I need to know if it is something that others do or if I am alone in this problem. I know there is such a thing as sleep walking. I know that sleep walkers are able to do many things (i.e. walk out doors, put on clothes, talk). But is there such a thing as sleep eating?
I have recently been waking up with food beside my bed and a full belly. For a while it was things like Goldfish or Teddy Grahams. But now that it is candy season I have been waking up with candy wrappers in bed with me! I have tried to hide it from myself but that does not seem to be working. Evidently sleepy Angela does not care where the candy is, she will find it! This SUCKS as I continue the never ending battle with my weight and self esteem. And it seems to be worse when I am anxiety ridden or depressed. Last night I ate 5 mini candies and woke up with a Snickers in my hand. It almost seems cruel that a Snickers would be in my hand. Like somehow the candy is laughing at me like “you’ll never put us away tubs.”
I realize how much of a 1st world problem this is, but I can’t help feel like shit about it. I hear some of you saying “don’t keep it in the house.” and that could work. I think once all the candy is gone or given away I will no longer keep sweets in my house. I still have 2 large concerns. 1. What will I turn to next if I can’t have mini candies? How long before I am making subs in my sleep? 2. what if I DRIVE to fix the sweet tooth? Can you drive while you are sleeping?
Part of this post is said in a joking form but all of it is true. My self esteem is plummeting and my stress is rising. It’s a viscous cycle that just involves me drowning in the tears of my own self pity. Any words of wisdom or help would be greatly appreciated.
I’m at home, alone with Eli, for the first time in GOD KNOWS how long. I have the house all to myself. Just me, the dogs, and a sleeping boy. So, what do I decide to do:
- and Work on Shakespeare monologue.
Am I truly this dull of a person. The answer, yes.
I LOVE TO COOK! I am not the best at it but I absolutely love to cook. Ironically one of my favorite things to cook is brunch foods. This is ironic because I, for the most part, don’t like breakfast foods. But for whatever reason I love cooking them. I do have a few things I like and I am trying to get Eli to like them as well. We have already started with eggs, turkey sausage, and french toast. Soon we will introduce bacon, pancakes with fruit and maybe crepes. I am hoping when he is able to eat with a fork we can do eggs Benedict with fresh fruit for breakfast/lunch/dinner at LEAST once a week.
I am not big on the pastry end of breakfast. Even pancakes and waffles are a little heavy for me. That being said – we have a waffle party every year around Christmas to celebrate the holidays with friends and family. I cannot wait to have the party this year in our new house. * Even though I don’t ever partake, it all goes back to making food for people that makes them happy. Their happiness makes me happy even though I never really eat what I have made. Waffles are simple and easy and everyone (but me) likes waffles! But I also get to make sausage and eggs and other finger foods so yeah, it’s my favorite part of the holidays.
* We bought a new house closer to where I tend to get contracted. I know it is dangerous moving closer to a place where you are only working contract to contract but I think in the long run we will be happier there. It is also closer to all of our friends and that will be nice for sure.
Noah: I like your hair.
Me: Awe. Thank you. I was just starting to think I might not like it. I think I will like it better once I can wash it.
Noah: Yeah. You definately smell like product.
Noah: Like that oil they used during our couples massage. Then they were like “Don’t go home and wash it off right away.”
Me: Right. So it can sink into your skin.
Noah: And then they tell you to take a shower but not too hot of a shower just like luke warm. When did getting a massage come with so many rules. There rules are not relaxing. I am just trying to live my life.
*My husband on my new perm and getting a massage*
There is no such thing as a “Goodbye” in my world. It is only a matter of time before we will see each other again. It’s those that leave a lasting impression I know I will see again. Even if it is only in thought, we will see each other. It is different when it comes to an experiance.
This afternoon was hard. I had to say goodbye to a beautiful production. The journey was absolutely amazing. It is a small show with a beautiful story that a group of people trusted me enough to help them bring to life. In addition to creating a beatuiful performance, I was given opportunities that I will cherish! I strengthened friendships, provided opportunities to those who have never had the chance, gave people a place to thrive in their craft, and helped people find their tribe. These are all things that I remember someone doing for me. I know the excitement that happens when you help someone find the happiness you always knew existed because you have lived there for so long. They help you remember how exciting it was for you and in a way you live vicariously through them.
Thank you so much to all of those who decided to be part of this tribe. To those who trusted me. Who gave themselves over each show and trusted each other every night. You supported one another and were so careful with the story that we were entrusted with. You brought this story to light.
Right now I am trying to shut out the darkness that has been haunting me all day. I managed to pull it together for a few hours but then I broke. In a desperate attempt to not listen to the nightmares I will tell you a funny story that I heard today. It is a reminder that even the “best” people are not always the best. It’s better told in first person but it did not happen to me. Just wanted to make that clear.
When you home school your children, you have to give a name to the school for educational administration purposes. Every day my wife passed a road called Highbright and so we decided to name our school Highbright Academy. Fancy sounding, right? One day I was delivering mail to a somewhat snooty neighborhood. Everyday I would bring the mail to her door and she would give me a condescending look. It was like I worked for her, not for the USPS. One day she was making small talk which involved her showing off how well off she was. She asked me where my children went to school. I told her that they went to a small school in Saxpahaw, joking to myself. She asked for the name of the school and I told her it was a very exclusive school called Highbright Academy. Before I could tell her that it was the name of our home school she commented “Oh yes, I have heard of that school.” I have never in my life had more fun calling someone out on their BS! You better believe she never looked at me the same!
I love when people are unwilling to admit they don’t know something. There is nothing wrong with ignorance. That is when you just don’t know. Stupidity is when you know something, and do it anyways. She knew she had never heard of that school, she was just to embarrassed to show some sort of ignorance. All because she could not handle someone knowing something she didn’t.
Don’t be a dumb ass, just say you don’t know. Someone will explain and then you WILL know.
I have a pounding migraine which is making it very hard to write. Even the typing of the keys is hurting.
I have nothing new to report. My life is still like a confetti cake. A tasty happy moist cake with sprinkles of chaos throughout. They don’t make it taste any better but they sure do make things fun to look at. I am constantly reminded of how lucky and loved I am. It is times like this that I must remember when the dark tries to take over. I am so lucky. I am so loved.