I had one of the best mothers days on the books. I will be writing about it soon but I want to write about some other things as they are happening in real time.
I am getting closer and closer to my contract being finished up and the school year being over! This is going to be an amazing thing. Stress has invaded my house like a flock of locusts and like there are two sides to every story, I am sure there are about 8 sides to these stories depending on who you ask at what time of day. Where some aspects are settling down, others are heating up. Things that were just falling to the way side because things that were out of our control took president are now stepping into the spot light and all of a sudden that spot light is getting super hot and I don’t know how much longer I can handle it with the grace and poise (HA!) that I have been.
All of this to say that I have decided it is time to go on some home grown adventures. I have work to do to get ready for this summer and other up coming events, but if I don’t get a little bit of play time in here soon I am going to lose my ever loving mind. There is this big confusion that when I sleep that is my “me time”. NO! That is my body saying “Take time or I will take it for you in a way not as loving as sleep.”
So this week is about adventures. That is all I am going to post about this week. Unless something urgent comes in, some “breaking news”, but this week, I am taking time to enjoy being a Mom to my fabulous son, being a Wife to my loving husband, being a friend for my fabulous partners in crime and exploring the city and neighboring cities I live in. I am working on gathering items for a silent auction for an upcoming fundraiser and I decided this would be a great opportunity to explore and see what I enjoyed and then see if I could possibly get something donated for the fundraiser. All of the proceeds go to Studio 1 Summer Stock Season plus I get to have a good time trying new things. This is truly a win win situation.
Today’s adventure lead us to Shiffman’s Jewelers on Elm St. One of my dear friends works there and mentioned that she might be able to get a donation for us if we just came by. They had a huge sale going on. She encouraged us to look around at all of the beautiful items. Not just jewelry but they also had absolutely beautiful china. And then I saw it. It was like Venetian China or maybe it was blown China (if that’s a thing) either way. I told her, if her boss could spare anything, those would be amazing. They were significantly marked down so my fingers were crossed. I know that would be a high priced item at the auction that could raise A LOT of money!
After that we headed to the local bookstore. I have not been to a local bookstore in so long it was so nice. It was quiet and quaint. Everything you would want an indy bookstore to be. There was a calendar of events, none of which I could do this month, but it was nice to know of something else to do when things were dark and the library is not where I want to be. The owner was very helpful, she sent us down to a place called “Boxcar” which was a grown up arcade! We had so much fun! I played pinball and then then Noah and I tag teamed some Gutair Hero. Eli had a blast as well. He sang along to some Pat Bennitar. I was a pround mama! But the best was that I was the HIGH SCORE at Q-ubert! I would try to explain but by the time I did you can just as easily google it so …google it. Either way…I’m proud.
All around a really good first day of home grown adventure!
I am going to have to be a day off on my mothers day post because I TOTALLY FORGOT I have to swing a role in a show tomorrow and I have not even started reviewing.
Tomorrow I will wax poetic about being a mother and having a mother and mothers and motherly stuff but for now…I got some work to do. This is what happens when you are a mom and in theatre.
There. That will tied me over til tomorrow.
I’m sure I have told this story 100 times but today is the day it should be heard.
I have to go to the doctor once a week to get blood work done. For what ever reason I had not been feeling very well but I figured it just was time for platelets or my counts were just off or something was just wrong. After sitting there for longer than usual, I see my PA come around the corner and she looks really distressed.
Please keep in mind, I do not speak doctor. I have picked up a little here and there over my time with them the past 8 years but I am no where close to fluent so I am so sorry if I offend anyone in the next part of my story.
She walk in and said “Angela, I’m sorry but your OB1-C32b test have come back. Your LBGT is positive.” Then she stared at her clip board and shook her head and flipped papers around. You could have heard a pin drop. No one said anything. The room was silent. I was positive that was my end. My death was on those papers she was flipping so flippantly on her clip board.
I waited for a second and then finally had to ask. “OK. So what does that mean? Am I dying?”
“NO.” She said. As if I was being melodramatic. But wouldn’t you be worried if your LGBT was positive, although I guess that is better than it being negative…but I digress…because I doubt those are the letters she actually used …IT DOES NOT MATTER! “You are not dying. You are going to have a baby.”
I have a baby. I have had that baby for a year now. That baby is you. And even now typing that sentence make me so happy I cry. You make me so happy. The odds were never in our favor, but we favor each other. Together, year by year, we will show this world just who we are and what we can do. A year ago today, one of us was not suppose to make it. I think you and I have a lot we can teach the world. Thank you for giving me that much more to fight for. I love you endlessly, selflessly, and with all of my being. You bring out the light in everyone you meet. Don’t ever loose that quality. It will get you so far in life.
Things I think/do when my alarm clock goes off:
” 6:50. Ok. I’m Going to sleep until 6:45 and then get up.” (Nope. Not a typo)
“I’m just going to wait for my other cell phone to go off.”
“And I’m up.” *Ready 30 minutes early* “Well I could lay down for 15 more minutes.” *Crawls in bed complacently clothed. Shoes and all.*
“No way! I blinked!”
“NOOOOO! IT’S SATURDAY! SHUT IT OFF! MAKE IT STAHHHP!”
Tonight when I left rehearsal I was sick. Like so sick I could not finish what I should have. This is not like me. Normally, I am a rock who will just push though whatever or find time to make it happen or make her self clear enough to make it happen. Regardless – none of those things happened tonight. My cast needed me to run a number with them because for whatever reason, the direction I had given was not making sense, and I couldn’t.
All day I have been fighting exhaustion. I just kept thinking that I would wake up or something. I have had roughly 4 shots of espresso and 2 red bull and I was still nodding off. Now the nausea has set in. More than anything I am mad at myself. Mad that I cannot keep it in check. Mad that I do not have more control. Embarrassed that more than my voice is cracking now. I think I am cracking too.
I posted the other day about something that had me very upset. It still does. Now that I have permission from all parties, I am ready to talk.
The other day one of my little buddies got in my car to go to rehearsal and I could tell something was not right. I asked if she was okay, and after shaking her head no I jokingly asked her who’s butt did I need to kick. Then she came back with “You can’t kick his butt because he is in jail.”
As we were pulling out of her gated community she proceeded to tell me that the media specialist at her school had been arrested for placing a camera in the girls changing room. The reason why all this hit her so hard was because she had come to know this man as a leader and respected friend. She turned to him and the library for solace from the outside world. She turned to him for advice about school and personal problems and he was always there for her. There were times where he had even offered her rides home from school.
As she told me all of these things, her voice was rising in pitch and cracking at times, I was just wracking my brain for the right thing to say. All I could think was to share a similar sad story. So I did…I should have known, that was not the answer. For someone who HATES when people try to say they understand by sharing similar, but nothing at all the same, type situational story, I could barely swallow my own hypocrisy. I instantly apologized and then sat back and did what I should have done at first, listened.
After listening for a while I was able to hear some key things that were major warning signs that this was bigger than me. And I told her so. I told her I am always here to listen but that she should talk to a counselor. I told her that counselors are like z-pacs. You don’t always have to have one, but when you are sick and need it, you should take it. There are no hero’s in flu season and there are no hero’s in emotional distress.
I also got to tell her something that I don’t think anyone had said to her yet. Maybe they just did not know she needed to hear it. I got to tell her it’s not her fault. It was my “Good Will Hunting”moment, but it needed to happen. She was taking blame for something that was not her fault. As silly as it sounds, we all do it. But sometimes we need to hear someone tell us we really could not have done anything different. That we played all of a cards exactly right and we still lost and that’s okay. We need someone we trust to lift that burden of guilt off of us. I just hope she trusts me enough to believe me. At that time, she didn’t trust anyone. Least of all, herself.
Tonight we had to replace a cast member for reasons that are not being stated. This made her very uneasy. However, a gentlemen in our cast is stepping up to fill the role and Noah is stepping in to fill his role. As she watch both guys step up she beamed from ear to ear. “In darkness, you can only see the light.” And then she hugged me.
This is an odd post I know. All of this happened to her and I am writing about my feelings as if I am the important one. I know I am not. But all I can tell you is what I felt. What I hope I did. What I felt like I did. I like to think she is going to be okay. I hope she will be. All I can do is continue to be her friend. Continue to show her I care. This is not my story. I can just tell you how it made me feel.
I am so done with this school year! To the extent that I am getting a little bitter. I just want to call in for the rest of my contract and say “Well, it’s been fun but, I just don’t care any more!”
That right there! That’s what I mean! I know some teachers are done with the year, but to say I don’t care, that is more than just ready for the school year to end. I am ready to be out of this school. I know I am not coming back so my desire to teach them ANYTHING has vanished. It’s not like they are going to care. It is not like I am going to reach them in some way that will help them become more accomplished students. Most of my students don’t even want to be in my class! And it is not like it is a requirement. If this was English, History, or Science I would understand that there are going to be students who don’t want to be in my class. But this is why I do not teach said classes. Theatre is not something that has to be understood to be able to function in life. Yes, it makes you a well rounded person, a smarter person, and an overall better person. But in my mind, it falls under higher education. If you don’t desire to have it, then move on out. I think a basic understanding of theatre is important, but I feel like MOST English classes cover that. Basic understanding is a lesson, not a year long class.
Regardless, this school, no this contractor has no idea what it takes to make a real theatre class happen. That’s why none of the kids took it seriously. They all just thought it was an easy A. And it was. And then I showed up and wanted more. That was a mistake. Wanting more. Because now, I want less. Actually, I want none! I am over it!
I FORGIT TO WRITE LAST NIGHT! There is no excuse. I just forgot. I had so much work to do. Good work, but I was so wrapped up in it I just passed out with out writing. And now my phone is dying so I cannot say much more. Other than I’m sorry. I get the feeling that the only person who is truly let down is me. But I will post 2x today to make up for it!
I am so ready for my trip to Tybee! My brain is on overload as I am trying to cast 3 shows, get one show through tech week, put 2 school shows together, and get Noah through closing Beauty and the Beast! That’s just the work end of life. The day to day, pick up toys, wash clothes, cook meals type things are suffering as well. My living room looks like hurricane of children’s toys flew through a fast food dumpster and pulled dirty clothes off people who where watching TV. If you could make since if that, you need to be assessed. Not to mention I am still struggling to put into words my feelings regarding the events in yesterday’s post. However, I am happier now than I have been in so long. The future is bright. And Tybee is my light.
There is something important I need to write about. It’s emotional and is going to take sometime to wrap my head around to be able to do it any justice. The situation deserves that. Justice. And if I cannot fix the wrong that has happened, the least I can do is write a post. Please know, my family is okay. I am okay. My health is fine. This is something that has happened to a friend and it hurts me that I cannot do anything to help. All I can do is listen a lot, talk some, and write a little. I am shaken to my core. But I have to get my shit together so I can be there to stand strong as she goes through all she is going to be going through.
I can do this. She can too.