When I grow up

There is so much I want to be in life.

I feel like a little kid. You know when you are little and they ask you “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
When I was little, I wanted to be a mommy. After spending a long time thinking I could never be one, I got to be one. I also wanted to be a dancer. My mom spent God knows how many hours and how much money on how much training so that I could be a dancer. Now, I choreograph local shows. I wanted to be an actress. Once again, my mom spent God knows how many hours trucking me back and forth from the theatre to theatre and then sent me off to different states to I could work at other theatres so that I could live my dreams of being an actress. I also got to go to one of the best schools for Musical Theatre. Until I got sick, I was still working professionally. I still get to perform every now and then. Enough to feed my soul for sure! I always wanted to be a theatrical director. When I was young, I would boss my cousins around the living room at Sunday lunch and make them put on shows for the adults. Once I got sick, and I realized that performing was going to be more taxing on me than I had thought, I decided to go back to school for directing. I fell in love with the foot work, the research, and the big picture elements that were not always visible as an actor. It was new and exciting but also something old and familiar. Now I directed four shows this year. (That is a quite a lot for people in our neck of the woods)

Even now, there are still so many things I want to be.
I want to be a cook! I taste amazing foods and want to know how to make it. I want to host dinner parties and serve meals that will make everyone happy.
I want to be a baker! (Yes. I like food) I see cakes and tarts and cookies and they look like works of art to me. They are pieces of beauty! There is nothing so satisfying as watching someone bite into a lemon square and getting a small bit of powdered sugar on their cheek. The taste of the treats of just heaven.
I want to be a writer. I want to write something that will help some one. I want to write something that will make people laugh. I want to write something that will stand the test of time. I want to tell my story, but only the parts I want to tell. Is that dishonest? I want to write something that could be performed. I don’t think these will all be one thing. I think I will have to write a few things.
I want to travel the world. I don’t think I will every speak 6 languages. But I do want to know what the air smells like on the Swiss Alps. I want to know what Indian sand feels like. I want to eat REAL Greek food. I want to get lost.
I want to design clothes. This is all I have to say on this. I am very disappointed with the selection of clothing for women my age and my size. I want to change that. Find a problem. Fix a problem.
I want to train dogs. We will start with mine and we can go from there. But really, I would love to train dogs for the stage and screen. There is such a need for them in so many productions, it would be nice if I could help train dogs for production needs. Not to mention, I could use shelter dogs and help save some lives. (I’m a dreamer)

As I keep going the list seems sillier and sillier. But it’s not. It’s real. To me, at least. And I can’t seem to shake it. This feeling that, for what ever reason, I can do it all. And maybe I can’t. Or maybe I can. Just for a moment. Just for that moment, I was a baker. Just for that moment,  I got that dog to sit. Just for that moment, I got lost…

When I grow up

Today I was at the gas station and this older woman, mid to late 70’s, pulled up to the pump beside me. I could hear her music. Her windows were down. Her sunglasses were tinted just enough that you could see in them at the bottom but not enough to see her eyes. She drove a red mustang GT. On the back she had a navy blue and white Huffy that was strapped to the back of the car.
(Yes, it moved me that much that I took a picture!)

I have decided that this lady is who I want to be when I grow up. The woman with the music up and the windows down. I want to block out just enough sun to keep me from going blind but always be able to see whats in front of me. I want to never lose the thrill I got when I was a kid of riding my bike down big hills and feeling air rush over me. It is almost like flying, that coasting feeling. To let go and sit back and trust the wind and my balance, and myself.
I want to be that now. I want to be that always.
Just maybe with a convertible car.

PS- I know I can put this here for the 5 people who read it (Shout out to my readers in India!) but – I got THE job! I can elaborate more later once a contract has been signed but- I DID IT!