I have been in a depression fog all day. I keep trying to adjust my sleeping habits, but it never seems to work. Everyday I wake up, scared I am going to fail the day. Some days I feel like I have failed and I have not even gotten out of bed yet.
My therapist says I am a perfectionist. I laughed loudly at her and explained we had only had two sessions and although we have established I am a whole bunch of crazy, perfectionism is not one that I would imagine to be in the collection. She then told me that it is not a matter of life being perfect, but that I have ideals and when I fall short of them, I tend to be to harsh on myself. Most people are like this, she explained, but I am so desperate to be right or good that I will drive myself into a depression when I feel myself falling short.
And that’s what happened today. I woke up so late and was lacking in energy that I felt guilty. I ate lunch and then promptly feel asleep again. I did all the things you should do to help yourself when you feel your falling into a depressive state, I went on a walk, I played with my son, I drank lots of water, I carried on, but it was not the same. I felt like I was pretending to be okay, but for no one other than myself. And it’s at times like this that I have to remember that depression is not just a mental illness. It is also a chemical imbalance. I did everything right, but my chemicals were just not in my favor today. And if they don’t get better, then it is back to those who can help the scales tip in my favor.
An open letter to my pain doctor:
WHAT THE FUCK! I know we agreed that we were going to try an aggressive route to end the nerve pain in my port area but Jesus Christ! I have grown up using capsaicin on sore muscles so I thought surely this would be okay. IT IS NOT! I come to you because I no longer want to be in pain! There has got to be some camera somewhere that you are watching me put chili peppers on the most sensitive part of my body and laughing maniacally you sadistic fart.
I cannot decide if it is finally subsiding or if the right half of my chest has just given up and fallen off. As it fades all I can think of is the fact that you have also given me other medication to help with the sudden onset of pain and if you knew that I was going to need it to get through this 3 TIMES A DAY FOR THE NEXT 4 WEEKS! I can’t even bring myself to do it to myself. I have to make Noah do it! I made him go wash his hands for fear he was going to touch something that he didn’t want to accidentally sear off.
In short, next visit, lets find either a faster aggressive route or a slow and painless one. K?
The client who you keep telling “that shouldn’t hurt anymore” but IT STILL DOES SO FIX IT!
PS – My heart still hurts. Today was better, but it brought forth it’s own struggles. New struggles. I see hurt all around me. People I know personally hurting and those I only know because of similar struggles.
But I am going to try not to focus on that. There is not one thing I can do. All I can do is try to put some sort of joy in the world. Be the joy that people remember, not the pain they will move past.
Tonight’s post is hard.
Today I found out that one of my students committed suicide over the weekend. Being a contracted teacher, I don’t know many of the details, nor am I sure I want to. The school is so small and everyone knew him that it has shaken the entire community. Grief counseling has been made available to the students. I am sure it has been available to the staff as well but, like I stated before, the entire school is in shock.
I only found out today, because I am an outside contractor and I don’t technically start until October but the Head of School was nice enough to inform me as he was one of the many students I got to know last year.
To me, he was your average kid. He had been sick for an extended period of time around flu season, but everyone seemed to think it was a physical illness. Looking back on it now, I wonder if this was the start of something much deeper. When he returned, I had already cast the show his class was participating in and had left him off the list, mainly because he was not present at the time of “auditions”. When he returned he was anxious to be a part of the play so I quickly found a part for him with a few lines and a super silly joke. He never knew that he had been over looked and was excited to participate.
To me, he was your average boy, rowdy at times but always good natured. He participated in every activity we did and never made a fuss. He was never the last to be chosen and always had something to contribute.
So what did I miss? How could I have not seen the hurt in this boy? I would call him a young man but I can’t. He had just turned 12 years old. All the selfish questions continue to run through my head. What could I have done? How could I have reached out to him? If I had started my program earlier, would he have had the outlet necessary to save him from the thoughts that made him do what he did? Could I have saved him some how?
Then I start wondering what happened. What happened in this boys life that made him think that this world is better off with out him.?
Because it’s not.
This is where I have to confess. There have been times where I have thought the world might be better without me. That I am not capable of handling the world I live in and I want to give up. I have never wanted to be dead but that is largely because I know how much it would hurt those who do love me. But there are times I feel like no one really loves me, that no one really cares. I say this because I am lucky that I have the ability to know there is nothing in this world worth taking your own life.
PLEASE, if you ever have thoughts of suicide call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. They are even available for online chat. I have called them before when I have had those feelings, even with the knowledge that I was not going to kill myself. They are nice wonderful people who will help you in anyway they can. Do not feel like you have to wait until the blade is in your hand. Call when you think about it. Call when you can’t face whats in front of you. They are there to help.
I wish they could have helped my student. All I can do is share his story. I can let the world see how one young life effected so many people. I can continue the battle cry:
“Depression lies and suicide is never the answer.”
I am sitting in the pain clinic waiting for them to come tell me that my pain should have gotten better and that the ever growing spots on my hands are just dry skin. But just to add insult to injury, I have not internet. Ahhhh!
The doctor just came in and I will be damned, he believes me and understands that the pain is NOT going away! We are going to try prescription strength capsaicin on my port site. I’m not looking forward to this because it is basically like putting 1000000000 flaming chili peppers on my chest 2 times daily. But if they think it will help the nerve damage, I AM IN! He did however say that the spots in my skin were dry skin and to just not wash my hands as much which to me sound contrary to what a doctor normally tells you to do. But he is also going to give me like an industrial strength lotion to use so hopefully that will help with the hand pain.
On a TOTAL side note there is, for whatever reason a topical map of North America in the the room I’m in. It’s not framed like a piece of art it’s just thumb tacked in. I wonder how and if he ever has to use it. How relevant can geography be to pain? I have provided a visual so you can decide just how relevant this may be?
PS- When I asked Siri how to spell capsaicin, because spell check thinks it’s not real word, she said “I found something on the web about cat assassin”. This concerns me greatly, but then Noah told me she actually said ” cap Sason”. Which I can only assume that someone is someone is going to bust a cap in Sason? Watch your back Sason.
“Get in my eye! Why wont you stay in? You think your special? You’re not special.
That’s it. There’s the burn. That’s the burn I like.
– Noah talking to his contact.
It is times like this I want to turn to facebook and post something veiled and cryptic about how I am feeling.
Instead I will come here. Where I know 7 people will read it and those who relate will appreciate what I am saying and those who don’t will just write me off as odd or a whiner and move one. Either way, it’s a win win. Noah and I had a fight last night. What started off as he just hurt my feelings turned into an all out battle about how he disregards the things I do for him. He always says thank you when I do something that is right in front of him to see. But when it comes to the small stuff he just says that he can do without it so it’s my fault for feeling upset that it happened.
Almost every night he has a show or a late rehearsal, I cook dinner for my mom and Eli. I put Eli down and then start some work. Sometimes that is cleaning (rarely) or just working on stuff for my job. When he text me he is on the way home I start our dinner which I have almost always prepped and start cooking our dinner. I always wait to eat with him because I hate eating alone but also, I like the more adventurous food I fix for us more than a cheese burger or pasta. I make BBQ chicken, Shrimp scampi, or teriyaki chicken with pineapple. All these things my mother and Eli would NEVER eat.
Last night I had our dinner all prepped and ready to go when I heard my phone go off. I was sure it was him and I was STARVING so I was glad to hear from him. We had plans for burgers, veggies and a side of potatoes. I was ready to go. And then the message said “I got asked to go to a Wing place with the cast. Can I go?” This upset me for 4 big reasons.
1. We had made plans to eat together and now he was ditching me for the “better party.”
2. He has been out with these people 2 times in the past 2 weeks and has not once asked me to go out with him. I have tried to make plans for us for a couple of things now but he has shot down every idea but 1. So friends 2, wife 1 (sometime in the future TBD).
3. He didn’t ask if I wanted to come, if I wanted him to bring me something home, nothing. We ask my mom that every time we come home, but he could not ask me?!?
4. If I had said no, I would have been the bad guy. I would have made it so he couldn’t go out with his friends and I would have made it obvious that the reason he could not go out was me. How shitty is that! I’m not his mother, I’m his partner. And no matter what, if I had said no, I would have felt like an ass.
I just took it. He asked if I was mad and instead of listening and understanding, he just started swing for the out field. Anytime I brought out a point, it became pointless in his mind because:
“Why would you wait for me to eat. I never asked you to.”
“I have said yes to one of those things and I don’t remember you bringing anything else up so it must not have happened.”
“I figured you had already eaten so there was no reason to offer you anything or call you to tell you I was on the way home.”
“If you had said no I would have just come home. No one is thinking about you as much as you are. Stop feeling like an ass and calm down.” (RED FLAG! HE HAS FORGOTTEN I HAVE ANXIETY AND “CALM DOWN” IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME!)
This fight went on for way too long and I will admit that I lost control. There is only so much one person can handle.
The one thing I have taken away from all of this is that “I’m sorry” doesn’t fix things if you are not ready to hear it. There is a penalty for your actions and sorry does not make the penalty vanish. Sometimes it is that you just have to let that person get the hurt they have off their chest. It may hurt you to hear and it may suck and you may feel like shit as they tell you how much what you did hurt them, but that’s the penalty you pay sometimes. Getting defensive, or deciding that you are done hearing about what you did is not up to you. You hurt someone. The least you can do is listen and say your sorry.
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse” – Benjamin Franklin
PS – I am following up with the fact that this was/is a trivial fight. Yes I am hurt, but it won’t last. I believe people fight. But I also believe people learn from their fights. If we stop fighting, we stop learning. If we stop learning, we stop fighting. Complacency is deadly.
PPS – We are both dramatic so fighting is going to happen. It’s just not always worth talking about.
I can’t breathe.
There is nothing wrong with me. It’s a stupid build up of emotions that just came out. There are times when I realize that I can’t control what I think. I see that sometimes what I am thinking is out of the realm of facts, but somehow that does not make me feel any better. Tonight was a night of trying to pull my reality and my flair of exaggeration together and I thought I had gotten it under control.
The aftermath is what hurts the worst. I feel like I am left less of a person than I was. Trying to explain how and why I hurt was hard enough but trying to get someone to understand anxiety who has no clue what it is like is practically impossible. I am trying to tell myself that this panic attach I am having will pass. I know the trigger and I wish I could have avoided it. I wish I could have just brushed it off. But the hurt just kept building. I had already taken a pill but it was not helping. I was in to deep. The pain was already burning inside me.
Anxiety cannot just go away. Pills don’t fix it. Talking things out is important as well.
Tonight, I just wish I had taken more pills. It is sometimes better to just keep hurt to yourself. Right?
I AM GETTING A NEW MATTRESS!
In case you could not tell by my all caps text, this is somewhat amazing! Our old mattress is so jacked that when you sit on it, it crunches. Not to mention the metal thing that goes along the top of the bed to help keep the coils in place is broken. The other day I got into bed and the 2 broken parts pinched the shit out of my leg. Not to mention waking up every day feeling like I slept on a bed of nails because the springs dig into my back.
I am also excited because this means my safe space will be comfortable. I hear your concern about it being so comfortable that I never want to come out. But maybe, just maybe, I will be able to sleep so well I will feel rested and better. Regardless, with our house being as small as it is, we don’t have room for me to have an office. Often I sit in bed and work. Now, if I find myself needing to work in a quiet place uninterrupted, I will not be sitting on something that is trying to ram its way into my ass.
Maybe a new mattress does not seem to be a victory. For us, for my work, and my back, this is a wonderful thing that I cannot even begin to explain the excitement!
I think we need to name it!
Well, I have felt fairly shitty all day. I woke up not feeling the best, but I was going to try to go sit on the sofa and get some work done so that I could come out of my “safe space” and at least try to make a day.
I was quickly driven back into my heidi hole (As in a place to hide. Not actually Heidi’s hole) by the world that seemed to not understand that I was out in it on my own terms and to leave me alone and let me set my own pace. I understand when people need things from you, I understand deadlines, but when other people don’t understand that, I all of a sudden feel like I am letting people down.
A large part of that might be the people that I seem to have in my life feel that THEY are priority number 1 and I should do what they want when they want. I am not sure if this is an ego thing or if I really should be putting them first, either way I am letting them down.
Anyways, between feeling like I was letting the world down, and actually having a fever of 100.5 all day, I felt like shit.
Not a great post. Like I have said, they cannot all be gems. You can get in line behind the other people I have disappointed today.
The other day I was at the clinic getting treatment. Before Noah and I make the trek home I always use the restroom. I went into a stall and there was someone about 3 stalls down. As I was in there I heard this familiar ticking sound. It was the sound of someone typing a text but it was the slowest texting I have ever heard! The lady was in there before I went in so goodness knows how long she had been in there typing. As I was washing my hands she comes out of her stall and corners me.
“Can I ask you something?” she said.
“Um…sure…” Little did I know what I was in for.
“If this man tell you that he want to lie down with you because he got a sign from God that he should lie with you but you already with another man and he don’t want you to lie with the other man because you already lie’n with him but you tell him that the other man had a sign from God but he still mad and trying to keep you from lie’n with the other man, do you think he just jealous?”
I could not follow a damn thing she was saying but all I could say was “Yep. I think he is jealous.” and bolted out of there as quickly as possible. As I came out I gave Noah the big eyes and starting to almost run to the elevators. I had just been cornered in the bathroom by someone asking relationship advice concerning God. I am the last person to be able to give advice on either of these things.
I could not make this shit up if I wanted to!