I feel like that’s all I need to say. It sums it up so nicely. It’s a nice little bow on top of a big box of bull shit.
I didn’t choose this end, it was handed to me. For so many years I have been able to dodge it. I was lucky enough to rise above all of the negativity. Not to mention dispite it all, I was strong. I pushed limits and although at times it seemed bothersome to some, the outcome was always worth is. The ends justified the means. I was always grateful for those who let me push boundaries. There were so many people who supported me that the one or two who had doubts would say “Just trust her. She can do this. She is rewriting the books. She’s not afraid to fail. And shes because of that, she often succeeds.”
But I can’t anymore. Because I can’t dodge the negatives anymore. There is not enough support in the world to push me past it and I am weaker than ever. Now, I feel I am throwing darts and I have continuing hope that one sticks. The sticking dart will help for a little while. But I am smart enough to know that it is only temporary and it is only a matter of time before I run out of darts. Now, the support that was once there looks at me and says “Be careful. She’s tricky.”
I wish I had more answers. I have darts that we keep throwing. I have my good days and my bad days. I try to bank the good ones so when the bad ones come, I can pull forward something wonderful. Like I always tell my friends and Noah when they are stressed or upset, “Tell me something wonderful.” I try to keep my wonderful bank full. It’s harder to make things bad when you have a stock pile of wonderful.
My wonderful for tonight is that I will be going to the Lake to be spending time with loved ones.
I am so sleepy that I am falling asleep at the keys so I will spell check tomorrow. But I wanted to write. Felt it was important tonight.
I have tried to write may times believe it or not. So many of them ended up in the junk pile just because I seem to have lost what little skill I had managed to acquire. But it is time to come back. Not just because so much has happened. I will never be able to catch you all up on everything. Mostly because I need to get back into writing again. I have a BIG writing project coming up and I need to start working on it. My issue is that I cannot seem to make myself write like I used to. I am not saying that I had become some great writer. However, I had somewhat learned how to edit myself down to at least one topic and stick with it. Which is why so many of these first come back attempts were never published. My biggest fear, out of all of the projects that I am working on, is a project called “Twisted Tales”.
This is a play that was written by the Artistic Director of the theatre I work at. It is a show that the Junior Board selected and anyone under the age of 20 can participate. I have put a lower age cap on it saying that no one younger that the age of 10 may audition due to the subject matter. As of right now, the script is old short stories that are contain twist and eerie plots broken down into monologues and read to the audience in somewhat of a readers theatre type style. Please hear me say, this is a concept that I have seen done successfully many times. However, it was mostly done by older more mature actors and even then, after a while, an audience starts to look for some sort of action.
In an attempt to make things a little more action driven for the young actors, I have decided to under take the task of writing these short stories giving them dialogues between characters instead of hearing the story from one persons point of view. For some of these stories this is easy. The Artistic Director did give me free reign and tell me that I am allowed to add and take away what ever I liked as long as it stayed within free domain.
My concern is that I will not be able to write the way I used to. Even now, I feel unfocused and at a loss for words. I am not sure what stopped me, but I started this post last night and have not finished it until just now. I wonder if any great works where written under pressure? I feel the ticking time clock and it only drives me further away, not any closer. I only want to turn and run and I know that is not what I should do. I know that is not the acceptable answer. Here I am, stuck. Writing what I know I have to write to create something worth watching, worth being in, worth working on, worth believing in.
This is not going to be simple.
I have not stopped writing. I promise. I have just been writing other things.
Things I have, in a way, been forced to write. I am working directing again which is wonderful! However, this leads me down my dorky dramaturgy path of ridiculous amounts of research that no one will ever care as much about as I will or do. I am directing an amazing version of Robin Hood which this playwright has managed to pull from both original, lesser known ballads and stories as well the traditional and managed to put his own spin on it. It is a wonderful adaptation and I am truly having a phenomenal time just in the pre-production elements. I cannot wait until we have a cast and actually get to see all of our work, research, and art come to life.
In addition to Robbin Hood, I am working on a small production of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory with my students at school. It is nice that I have so many veterans from last term and a few newbies. They all seem to be super excited about bringing the project to life. Of course, being children, they are VERY concerned about what they are going to wear and how they are going to look. But I keep trying to keep them focused on their characters, volume, what makes each person different, why we care about them (or don’t), and what makes this play so much fun to watch. Hopefully their answer isn’t just the costumes! Ah, to be in 3rd grade again! Shortly following that, I will be doing the musical version for a summer camp after Robin Hood closes for kids of a similar age. It will be nice to already have some of the stuff under my belt and already built so that when I start camp, I won’t be starting from scratch!
Here is where the writing is really coming in. I am working on updating my last project of the summer. It is called “Twisted Tales”. Basically it is old short stories with very twisted, scary, creepy endings and creating them into short 10-15 min plays to be put together for the last show of the summer/first show of the season. It is a Jr. show meaning that I cannot have anyone over the age of 19. However, I do not feel that many super young people are going to want to come audition for this one. I am currently working on adapting “The Monkey’s Paw”. I feel that story has GREAT twist and turns with a horrifying ending. Regardless, it is difficult to write under pressured circumstances which is why I have started now and am trying to give myself as much time as possible.
If anyone is still out there in my little blog world, what twisted story would you like to see adapted for the stage? Keep in mind, it must have been written before 1920 so that it is free domain. I would like to do this and not be sued in the process.
Happy to be back. Hopefully I will not be gone so long this time!