Why not play on St. Patrick’s Day?

Like most people do on St. Pat’s day, Noah, Jen, and I headed down to a festival for some Irish fun. Because everyone is Irish on St.Patrick’s Day, right? Anyway, this festival was really fun. It was part get drunk like a stereotypical Irish tradition AND a food truck festival! Since I have not been in the “get drunk in bar and stumble to my car”  for a few years now (With the exception of one night a year at the beach but that’s another story.) I was super stoked about the food trucks. We went and got something from each truck and tried EVERYTHING! It was insane! This guy sitting next to me had said that one of the things we had looked  The amount of food consumed was ridiculous. We could not eat it all! This guy next to us helped us eat some of our spring rolls. I will say at one point I did want a green beer but did not have any cash on me. So the guy who helped shared the spring rolls with us gave me 3 bucks so I could get one. How awesome was that!
Then we went into the bar to grab me a beer and we found a lady who was doing face painting. It was more like face art! It was crazy awesome. All 3 of us had our faces done. While we were in there we also ran into one of our friends from the theatre, Sam, who’s dad just happened to be the lead singer in the band. They managed to get us Jen and me a drink which was really nice and was a great cut off point for me and maybe a little past a cut off point for dear Jen. Oh, sweet sweet light weight Jen. Please here me say, I love to drink until I can’t feel my face, I just like to be at home on my sofa. That way, I don’t have hit the floor quite so hard. There is no judgment coming at Jen from me. I love me some drunk Jen!
We had the best time. I don’t know how St. Patrick’s day retailed I would say the evening was, but it was still a fabulous time!  Happy St. Pat’s!


Sword fighting snow

It has been one messed up day!

Somehow North Carolina missed that it is in the South and that it is now March and it should not be snowing! But it is! Not as much as it did before but enough to get school canceled! Which my lazy, anxiety ridden, I don’t want to leave my safe space self was super excited about. But my I need to make money to pay bill and save up for this trip that I am never ever going to be able to afford self was super bummed. I also got bummed because one of the things that I do love coming out of my “hidie-hole” (aka my safe space. But safe space just sounds so clinical.) for is our stage combat class.
I really like this class. I feel like it’s something I could get good at. It’s kind of hard to explain right now, but I think a lot of it has to do with all of the body shaming issues I have been dealing with lately, I don’t feel them there. Now, I still get pissed as all get out when I cannot get something right! But I love it so I have no problem doing it 100x’s over. My poor bar chair does. And Noah is kinda tired of me constantly saying ” Are you Ryan? Are you Eliana? Then back off.” I think our marriage will make it. I’m also glad the cops have not been called by our neighbors. Not because of the yelling so much but because of the constant “Do you want to attack or defend?”
Despite the fact that we did not have class, Noah and I went and practiced in the yard until we couldn’t take it anymore. Here is a video of us attempting to go through the first basic 5 defend and attack sequences with “swords” while Gwen attempted to upstage us as a dog. She wins.

Stock pile of friends

My depression often leads me to think that people don’t like me. Not so much that they dislike me. More so that they just tolerate me. Even after I have spent large amounts of time with these people, talk to them on the phone often, had dinner with them, had them in my house, or had them STAY at my house there is just this general insecurity they are just waiting for me to get out of the way. That I should being doing something so that they will be okay being around me.
However, every now and then something clicks. I get this genuine feeling of worth. I can feel an actual relationship. There is an actual bond. My guard is down and I feel myself let go and my self-esteem is raised. Suddenly I feel like I am surrounded by people who want to be around me. They want to spend time with me. I know this sounds like common sense to most of you, but for me this is hard.
Tonight was one of those nights. I was able to let my guard down and just be with people I can call friends. I made dinner, which I love to do, but then when I sat down to eat, I felt like I could eat, relax and just be. All of a sudden, the stock pile of memories of the past times of the table surrounded by friends laughing loudly, eating, playing games, and me just enjoying the true friendship came rushing back. It was amazing! It is truly one of the best feelings in the world. Now I have one more memory to add to the ever growing pile.
One day I hope to be able to recover that pile when I find myself trapped in the hands of the depression that makes me feel like toleration is the only form of acceptance.



As many of you know, I have just moved into a beautiful new house. It is a “Gated Community” but they are still adding subdivisions, ours being one of them. For the most part all of the houses are finished and now they are just waiting to be bought. I do not think it will take long once people find out about our little division. Mainly because we have reasonably small houses in a community that is full of mansions and manors. Ironically, the Community is called “_________ on the Lake” but there are only a handful of houses that are on the lake. So many of the larger houses are 10-15 blocks away. This may not seem far but our little division is only a block away. If you walk to the end of our short little street, there’s the lake. Now, you cannot access it because of the mansion that is on the lake shore, but it is still a nice view all things considered.

ANYWAY, like I was saying, some of the houses on our street are just waiting to be sold. However, as I was out on my walk I noticed that some houses had been sold. At first I thought this had to be a joke. But it has been over a week so now I am convinced, I will soon have new neighbors. I am always excited about meeting new people, I am just going to have to talk to the HOA about the the house. They made a big stink about the fact that my fence was 6 feet high and not 4 feet but they are going to let this go.

I will be calling the HOA tomorrow but for now, welcome to the neighborhood!



This just sucked

I have so many reservations writing about this. Know that we all have “that thing”. I have many. However, this is my biggie. Please, be gentle.

Tonight I made myself venture out and audition for a show that I knew would be a stretch for me. Not that the role would be a stretch, it would just be landing the role that would be difficult. Not to mention that this director is somewhat infamous for not liking larger people. Mainly larger women. For those of you who don’t know, I am on the large side. Always have been, more than likely always will be. I am trying to comfortably come to terms with the fact that I will always be, to put it the only way I can think of, fat. But tonight I did not do myself ANY favors.
In addition to being the largest person there, I also managed to tank my audition. Then, just to put the icing on the cake, the director said to me as I was leaving “Look at you, holding your own with all those small dancer girls.”
Lets start with the fact that I have a dance background. I have been dancing for over 20 years. I have studied with some of the best and have a much larger background than “those small dancer girls.”
Now lets move on the the crushing blow to my self-esteem. As soon as she said it I felt the knot rise up in my throat. Even now, tears are coming to my eyes. I wanted to turn and run but sadly all I said was “Thank you.” I said THANK YOU! What the hell? I just thanked someone for body shaming me! I know I am not small. I can look in a mirror and see that. It was mostly the phrase “keep up with” that, to me, implied someone who was not a small dancer girl would struggle. Someone untrained. Or worse, someone large.
With the help of my friend, I have moved past tanking my audition. He brought up a really great point. Why would I want to work with someone condescending? Auditions are like interviews. She was testing us as much as we were testing her. When I direct, I get nervous. I know my auditionees are looking to see how I will run things, how do I give direction, and how do I treat people. We all slip up and say the wrong thing, and I want to believe that is what happened. I want to believe the good. I am very thick skinned. I can hear no 100 times and not bat an eye.
This one just hit a little too hard.


Same thoughts – Old post

*Tonight I cheated. This is a old blog post from an old blog I attempted to start back in 2014. At this time I still owned my own The Academy of Theatrical Arts. However, the emotion behind it still rings true and I just thought I would share.*

There are two  traits that I cannot stand,  selfishness and laziness. I think these things bother me so much because so many people have called me one, if not both, of these things. It hurt so bad that now feel like I will make up for it for the rest of my life. I remember each insult being hurdled at me as if it was done yesterday. I think it is so vivid for me because I know I have MANY vices, however, there are two things that I work hard not to be and I dislike these qualities in others. I even go so far as to protect myself from others when I see them so I am not associated with such poisonous behaviors. Please know that I am talking about these behaviors in extreme cases. We all have our moments.

Today, laziness is the affliction. I have been fighting a cold (yes, just a cold) since Monday. It has been cold and “snowy” all week. It has the perfect storm for laying in bed with hot tea, a good book, my puppies and doing NOTHING. For a day or so, it was fine. But then I did start to get a little stir crazy. I did hold classes for the second half of the week but Friday was a long day. I had chemo, a transfusion, a magnesium infusion, went to the grocery, taught dance, and then went into rehearsal (just to watch) but as always, being around a group of people and keeping up the “I am totally fine” act is tiring. By that evening, I was a goner! Which leads me to today.

I am having a very hard time being okay. The fact is what should have been a “normal” day for anyone else, has left me flat on my ass. I just cannot help feeling like I am not only weak but lazy. That I SHOULD just push though and do everything despite how I feel. Because that is what everyone else does.

Most people dream of lazy days. Days of vacation and doing nothing. Not me. I long for days filled with activity that stimulates me mentally and leaves me at the end of the day feeling full of energy. Days that wear me out, not just physically but are filled with thought, love, excitement, accomplishment, and expectations more than just going though the motions of what everyone considers normalcy. Then at the end of them, around 10:00/11:00, I can go to bed and wake up the next day at a reasonable time feeling refreshed and ready to do the day over again! But until I get those days, I just seek permission. Permission to be the last thing on earth I ever want to be. I feel like I have to ask because if not, I am truly JUST lazy.

In a way, being in the hospital and being sick is easier than being at home. If I could only find a way to teach from my hospital bed, I would allow them to admit me almost as much as they (the Doctors) want to. The only good thing about being in the hospital is there are no expectations for you. They expect you to rest. The don’t want you to get up and get things for yourself because you run the risk of falling or of disconnecting your IV so they bring you what you need.

Please hear this, I do not sit still well! But part of this is because most of the time I am supposed to sit still, I am at home where people see me not doing things and can view me as lazy. Even when I am not physically doing things, I am mentally going 100 miles an hour. Even in the hospital. I am continuously finding stimulation everywhere. As much as I LOVE and prefer the physical elements of my life, when they are not possible, I just want to be able to allow the mental aspects to be as strong with out an emotional battle first. This is when I ask for things like plays, coloring books, books on tape. And I cannot get them for myself so I have no choice. I MUST ask for them. Because if I could get them, I would.

I am sorry that this post has no real end. I am still struggling. Still fighting. I think I always will be. I think there will always be part of me that needs to know that I am not lazy. What I lack physically, I make up mentally. If I cannot be up and doing, that I am still productive in other ways. I am not positive I will ever get there. Even if I cannot stop the sleeping and the partial physical assistance, hopefully one day  I will learn those words are not me.


Only with Jenn

Today we had a lunch and game day with our friend Jenn. We invited some other folks but they were lame. (AKA They probably were not out of bed yet. To be honest, I can’t blame them. If Jenn wasn’t coming to hang out, I would not have moved either.) Through a series of unfortunate events, I had to run to the store to grab some last min things for lunch. As it turned out, Jenn was just chilling at the Krispy Kream, an amazing doughnut place for those of you not from the south. So I told her I would grab her and she could come grab groceries with me and then we would head to my house for lunch.
As we were heading back from the store there was this big wreck. There were at least 3 police cars and at least 3 cars involved in the wreck. Everyone was walking and no one truly seemed to be hurt which is always good and they were pushing the cars out of the way of the 3 lanes of traffic. In doing so they had to block the entrance to a southern fast food fried chicken place called Bojangles. Jenn and I saw the blocked entrance and Jenn remarked “Well I guess no ones getting their Bojangles any time soon.” And I will be DAMNED if some ass did not turn into the lot, drive around the wrecked car, and got into the drive through! Someone wanted some chicken NOW and nothing was going to stop them! I cannot lie, I love Bojangles, but not enough to drive around a wrecked car to get some fried chicken. Only in the south!


I am doing better.
The platelets seem to be helping heal some of the bruising. My mouth is still bleeding quite a bit and causes quite a bit of embarrassment.
By some miracle, I have had 3 different donors supply the funds for me to pay off the fine so that I can go see my therapist again.
I am slowly moving on from the production and sending my focus towards other projects. My concerns of “will there be another one” still linger. They just are now more towards the back of brain than the front.
The fog is starting to lift. There are still moments where I feel myself trying to force it. I need to let it be. It is lifting on it’s own.

It IS lifting.