Looking for light

Maybe it’s the early nights or the cold. Either way, I cannot shake the feeling that something is not right.

Normally it is moments of sadness surrounded by happiness and light. The past couple of days have had a lot of darkness. It is not a darkness I can really explain. I feel like I am about to cry but I don’t know why. I feel like someone has told me something bad but no one has. Life is going fine, but I feel like there is a shoe about to drop that is going to feel more like a cinder block than a shoe. It’s a feeling of helplessness and uncertainty that comes with life. Selfishly, I feel like it comes even more with mine.

I find myself second guessing every decision I have made recently. I wonder if it was a good idea to move. I try to remind myself that it is easy to second guess change and that no change is easy, no matter how ready you are.

The more questions I ask, the darker it gets. I have to trust the light will come.



I feel like I have been beat up. And not because I learned some fight choreo tonight although that did not help. Between the flu shot, the B12 shot, the port access, and just the stupid tape that they put on after the infusion, I feel like I have been mauled by a bear.
Then I went to auditions for R&J which were loads of fun. However, auditions are auditions and it is exhausting holding a room even if it is only for 5 min. I am all about some improvisations but lets just say if I did stand-up, I would have every moment timed out, to a tee. Maybe that’s why I don’t do stand-up. That and I’m not really that funny. Funny things happen around me and to me but I am really not that funny.

And that’s all I have for you tonight friends. I am one stumbling unfunny bruise.

Christmas Rip Off

I have discovered this Christmas in preparing for a Christmas party that I am performing at, that so many songs from the 1950’s just ripped off carols from the 1930’s. “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree” is almost inter changeable with “Santa Clause is Coming to Town”. And “Holly Jolly Christmas”, yeah it is almost exactly, “Sleigh Ride”, or whatever that song is. Sorry, I have had a little too many holiday spirits and am really in no position to be writing anything. But I must do it…for the CHALLENGE!
Because I am doubting more and more that people actually read what I write so it is truly become a place where I can just let loose and let them all hang out. And by them I guess I mean words. I don’t know. Holiday spurts and what not.
I am now hungry and going to get myself some crackers.

This post has no end. And no beginning. It is an anomaly. That is drunk philosophy right there. (Now Noah will spell check and laugh…hopefully.)

I need a favor

Normally I am not one to beg for things. I just feel like things will happen if they should and if they don’t, it can be upsetting, but as long as you have given it your best, that is all you can do.

I consider this more like a last resort than begging but at this point I am not afraid. I would like for you to follow my blog. ALL that will happen is you will get an e-mail from me that says I have written. If you want to read it, great. If you want to send everyone of them to junk, that is fine too. Just click the little button at the bottom right corner of the screen, enter your e-mail (so you will get the notification that I wrote) and then you will be a follower.
This all started out as a challenge for myself to see if I could write everyday of the year. I write about pretty much everything. My days, stories, events, rants, theatre, work, life, my emotions, depression, joy, anxiety, even random conversations between me and Noah that I (and probably no one else) find funny. I wanted to become a writer. And now I am one. But half of being a writer is having your work read. It’s kind of like the if a tree falls in a forest saying. I realize that this barely counts as work but after almost 365 days and 321 post I would like to put myself out there more than I have. Now, getting people to read my work has become my new challenge.
My writing is ruff and raw but it is me. This is how I talk. This is how I write. I am going to drive every grammar teacher, like my mother, insane. But I don’t care. This is me.
So take two seconds and follow me. Who knows, you may be the subject of a post. That could sound like a threat to some of you but probably only those who don’t like me and won’t follow me anyway.
Thank you in advance. I appreciate your support in this endeavor.


Ice sucks!

It has been snowing all day today. Nothing has really been sticking just little bits and pieces. But it has been beautiful to watch. Then something went horribly wrong and that snow turned to ice. NO ONE saw it coming. So as I am driving out of my neighborhood, on new roads, I feel a little slippery but i am trying to tell myself that getting to the major highways will make things better. Well, not so much.
As I was getting on the entry ramp, I hydroplaned into the bank beside me. The car went up on two wheels but I was able to ground it and turn the wheel so that I would roll, not slide uncontrollably into traffic. I landed with a thud and my arm, leg and head hurt but other then some bumps I am okay. The most horrifying part was watching all the other wrecks happening in front of me. At one point I was sure I was going to get hit. One car hit a patch and started to turn into another car and that car tried to avoid that car but then lost control and they collided in front of me. I was so confident I was going to get hit. I was just a sitting duck. There was nothing I could do but brace myself and tell Noah I loved him.
With the help of a volunteer safety patrol, I was able to make it home safe. My car is still on the side of the road but at this point, I don’t care. I am home safe to my boys and that is what matters the most. It is times like this I am so glad that things in my life have prepared me for lots of “what if” situations. But that does not make the moment any less scary.

Sleeping is a Talent

…that clearly I do not possess.

Last night I did not fall asleep until almost 3 AM and it looks like today may be another one of those days.
But tonight I am actually tired. So I am going to take this opportunity to expand on my abilities and try to just fall asleep.
Hopefully tonight will go better than the previous.

US Internet


I fucking hate the internet monopoly that exists in the states This has got to be some horrible joke. I have lived in this neighborhood for less than a week. In that week I have had a technician from Spectrum (who is the only company that “works” in this area) here almost every day! I feel like they should just take the upstairs bedroom. They have practically spent just as much time in my new house as I have. I have shut down my computer and am restarting it praying to the internet gods that it is my computer but I know it’s not because MY PHONE WON’T GET THE INTERNET EITHER! I have friends who live across the pond who tell me they never have this problem. Not only that, but their are many cities where internet is free. The only place you can get free internet here is at a McDonalds or the like. And even they have to pay for it. I assume that are because they are mega companies they don’t have to pay as much and that’s how almost every major chain can offer it even in some of the smaller cities. The bull shit lines they feed us about how “we don’t get service in this area” is bull shit. We are surrounded by towers. I don’t live in a tent in the woods. I have not plugged some device into a tree with antenna and trying to get a signal. I pay half my paycheck so that I can get online to do work.

Rant over.

“Waiting for life to begin”

My last few nights have been restless.
My mind has just been racing with things that are out of my control. There is a job I really want and I have no idea how to go about getting it. I know this seems silly but I already work for this company so basically I would just need them to see how hard I work and give me the new work. My fear is that in a desperation to branch out they are going to essentially offer the work to a new person. Please hear me say, I am all about branching out and employing people in the arts. This is just a passion project that I have wanted to do for a very long time. But right now, all I can do is wait.
I know this probably makes no sense. I would be more specific but I feel like speaking in specifics will somehow jinx it. I am just going to have to cross my fingers, wish, hope, and pray that this will pan out.

Side note – I hate saying ‘pray’ because I feel like asking God for help for something as trivial as a job is somewhat silly. Things like this, I feel like, are more left up to the individual. God put me hear, he knows what I can do. Now I just have to do it. This does not mean I will not be crossing my fingers and look up for a sign.  We all have our weaknesses.

Christmas Home

We got a Christmas tree!

I feel like the house is slowly but surely coming together. I see room after room with all of it’s furnishings and little touches. Things are finally being organized and put in there places. I am still trying to learn which light switch controls what light but it is a nice little strobe light party every time I try to get to the kitchen in the middle of the night. (My sleep eating has gotten better for those who have read that post.) Eli has started putting his little hands on the walls leaving marks and prints and I am reminding my self that this is a home now and not just a house. We live here. Hand prints happen.
Putting the tree up is a big deal for me. CHRISTMAS is a big deal for me. As a child, my father was too paranoid to let us put up Christmas lights outside plus “It would run up the electricity bill!”. Putting up a tree involved a lot of swearing because “If it is too close to an electrical socket it will burn down the house!” As an adult, I have rebelled by decorating my house however I like and putting lights up for all of the neighbors and myself to enjoy. I love houses with decorative Christmas lights. I know we all celebrate in our own way but I love driving by and seeing all the lights. To me those houses with lights were houses with families that didn’t fight over holiday decorations and new how to share part of their holiday joy with everyone. When I was little I so desperately wanted to put up lights. I can remember telling my mother that I thought people who put up lights should get a break on their electricity bill.
I still do. But I still decorate, bills be damned. I want Eli to grow up in a house that knows how to share joy. Now I get to make my house one of the houses I always wanted when I was little. I can only hope Eli loves it as much as I do.

Stuffed stuffed animals?

I was at target tonight and evidently there is this new trend that I am not sure I am OK with.
I am not strongly against taxidermy, but I am strongly against killing animals to hang them on your wall. I do realize this is a large part of taxidermy, however there are a few WWF (World Wildlife Fund)  fans who also happen to be taxidermy fans. These people have taxidermied animals who have died of natural causes. This still sounds silly to me, but one of my favorite authors, Jenny Lawson, falls under this category.
All of this to say that tonight at Target I noticed the trend of fake taxidermied animals. Yes friends, stuffed animal taxidermy(?) animal heads. They had them for children’s room. For example, they had a swan head with a tutu around it. They even had Christmas ones that were reindeer with wreaths around their necks. I am truly befuddled by this trend. Who thought this up? Who pitched the idea for a stuffed stuffed animal head to hang on a child’s wall? Who OKed this project? I would truly be interested to see how the sales of the fake taxidermied heads are doing at Target.