It’s nice to know that it’s not just postpartum depression. My levels were ridiculously low. It was the first time my Hemoglobin has been below 10 in months. Still not low enough to transfuse but enough to scare me. And then just to add powdered sugar on top, I broke out in hives when they gave me my platelets so they had to give me double my normal dose of Benadryl. I can hardly walk. Needless to say, it has been a “fun” day. I kept telling myself I could power through the day. That once I got home that everything would be fine. That I could take care of Eli and Noah could go to rehearsal and everything would be great.
But I can’t.
I can’t do it.
It is tearing me up. I want to be strong. I made it through every single R&J rehearsal. Yes, I struggled. But I was responsible for one person, me. I know my limitations. I know when to pull back and when to push. I was responsible for me and no one else. If something went wrong, it only effected me. Now I am effecting Noah and Eli and I can hardly breathe just thinking about it. I’m helpless. Between the depression, the low numbers, the Benadryl, the bruises, and just the overall feeling of uselessness, the hurt indescribable. At the hospital, they always ask me “On a scale of 1-10, what would you rate your pain and where would you say it’s located?” I didn’t know how to answer.
– I am covered with bruises so much so that it hurts to sit.
– My platelets have not been above 20 the past 2 times I have had them checked in the past 2 weeks so that scares the shit out of me.
– My port randomly has a shooting pain go through it.
– Somehow I missed my appointment with my therapist and don’t know if I can afford to pay the fine to be able to see her, or anyone in her practice including my psychologist, until the end of the month and now is the time when I need her the most. I’m going to have to start a go fund me for 175 dollars so I can pay off this fee. I really need to see my shrink because right now because I am just HOPING I am getting the flu because that will be easier than a bout of depression. At least no one looks twice at you when you say you have the flu. But when your body is destroying itself in a way that is not a clinical virus, no one cares.
– My heart hurts because one of the best role I will ever play is gone.
– My ral life has been suffering due to all of these things and the guilt is unreal.
So …8…maybe. I don’t know.
As I feel the depression setting in harder and harder. I try to tell myself that, like always, this too will pass. There will always be something else. At least I have to hope there will be. With my condition I always worry, will this be my last. Every show is so taxing on my body, but I love it. It makes me feel like I am still alive, like I am not some delicate flower. In the moment, I had it all. That’s what is hard to walk away from. Now I am back to being that flower. Careful, cautious, no risk, so no reward. And I have no problem taking time. Trust me, I love the break. I guess it’s hard not knowing IF there will be a next time.
Some of my actor friends ask me, how do you cry with so much emotion on stage? The answer is, I don’t push it. I just let it happen. I take a truly sad moment and I let it move me. If it does, great. If not, I’m not going to force it. I have to do the same with this. For now, I will just try to let go. I will try to let it all go. It’s hard. There’s lots of tears, pain, sighs, and fog surrounding me right now. I just can’t force it. It will happen when I am ready.
*I AM NOT IN ANY DANGER. I AM SAFE IN MY HOME. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST AND ASSUME THAT I AM SEEKING HELP. THANK YOU.*
I am tired of being blue. I don’t mean sad although I am that as well. What I mean is I am tired of being black and blue from bruising that is out of my control. I am finding more and more bruising and I am at a loss for answers as to where they are coming from. I know I have a disorder that makes it so that I bruise very easily. Right now, it is out of control. I am finding them in places it is IMPOSSIBLE TO HIT! Who can hit under their arm pit?!?!
What gets me, is I feel like that is what everyone see about me first. I used to think it was my port. Now it has become my purple, blue, and greenish skin. I look like a leper. I pray that when I am on stage that no one sees them. That if they do, I just have to hope that my performance is good enough (or bad enough) that after a few minutes they just move on. That for whatever reason they stop caring about my looks. Even now I’m hunting and pecking on the keyboard because I am trying to apply pressure using some home remedy that “may” help. I called the doctor and told her I need platelets. My numbers maybe “fine”, but my body is saying otherwise.
I know this is all small little superficial stuff in the grand scheme of things. But it’s hard when it hurts both mentally and physically. I will get over it. I will move on. Rght now, it hurts.
There are only so many times you can here “no” before you just stop. That word. It just stops you in your tracks. It leaves you with the choice. Do you follow orders? Do you listen and obey? Do you do as your told? Or do you do it any way?
There is always a reason you are being told no and there is always a reason you are fighting against the no. You have your agenda and they have theirs. Views just don’t line up. As much as you try to get someone to see things your way, it just does not seem to work. Then you are stuck between doing what you are told, and doing what you want.
At this point, I have been made to feel that doing what I want would be a selfish, insensitive, and unwise (to put it nicely) move. What is ironic is that all I want to do is provide small pieces of gratitude a few people that I care about.
Having no funds to call my own, I am trapped. I feel like I answer to everyone else. I feel like everything is either ours or hers. I feel like I must always be thinking about the family and when I am not, I am being selfish and it hurts. It drives me into an anxiety attack that I cannot seem to get out of because my anxiety causes me to pull away and that is not what my family needs so then I have to stay and help them or else they start to think I am getting an attitude or something/anything/many things so I just have to swallow it all which then causes it to worsen or never go away and then I am right back where I started.
Let’s just remember, all this got started because I was told no I could not give something small to 5 people who I have come to really love and respect.
Maybe I am throwing a huge temper tantrum. But I can’t help it. This is how I feel at the moment.
I want to run away. But I only run if I am being chased, so I’m not going anywhere.
I feel like there are so many deadlines that are approaching and all I want is one more day. The problem is I want one more day every day. Not to mention that I am at the end of my Chemo cycle so my energy level is GONE. I have nothing left to offer. I may have said this before, but I have Alice and R&J opening on the 9th. Then a deadline for project production submissions for Studio 1 Theatre are due on the 10th. In addition, our stage combat class starts this Monday which is so exciting but I am so afraid I am just going to collapse. I just have to keep telling myself that I have to stay strong for 2 more days and then I will be refreshed.
I just have to keep holding on.
As you know I am fast approaching the opening Romeo and Juliet , which I get more and more excited about everyday. I also get a little more scared but that is mainly because adding an audience is always a nerve wracking thing. It is not so much the fear of performing in front of people that I can’t handle. It is the fact that you never know how they are going to react. What looks cool or is funny to us may not be as well received by our audience. It all is a shot in the dark. We just have to keep to the show we know and hope for the best.
In addition to Romeo and Juliet going up on February 9th, it just so happens that the small school production that my after school Drama program has been working on will be going up that day as well! That right friends! I will have one show, Alice in Wonderland, going up February 9th at 1:00 and then Romeo and Juliet going up at 8:00! Needless to say, I feel a little overwhelmed! I am trying to have faith that everything will come together, but it is a little scary. Alice in Wonderland, is a little harder because I am responsible for the entire production. There are so many things that I feel like I am missing and I have parents that are willing to help, I am just not sure if I can make it all make sense. I am going to do what I can, which will be nothing less than my best.
That’s where I am right now. Trapped between two projects. Both amazing. Both difficult. Both promising. Both exciting.
P.S.- I deserve a prize! I have not had fast food ONCE in all of this craziness!
Right now I feel slightly unstoppable. That is not to say that everything is going my way or that i am happy all the time. It is just a major shift from where I was a few days ago. Honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago. I think struggle can do that. I think living in a depressive state can make you feel like time has slowed down in a way. And at other times you feel it speeding up. You see your life racing by you and you feel like you are missing out on so much when in all reality, life never stops rolling along. It is a constant. In someways that is a good thing. In other ways, it’s not so much. Sometimes you just want to stop time for just a second so you can breath in a moment, hold it close just a little longer. At times it’s the contrary. I can remember being in school, wishing the day would fly by.
These are the times I want to hold on to. I take pictures, make mental notes, write more, make sure to speak kindly to more people, push myself to be the kind of person I know that I am but sometimes gets trapped behind this wall of darkness. Last night before I went on stage I said to one of my cast members “Shit, I forgot to take a Xanax!” She looked at me for a hot minute and I quickly explained “Nothing is going to go wrong or anything! Promise! It just helps me not shake as much on stage. You’re not going to find me curled up in a corner saying ‘I CAN’T GO ON’ stage because I am not medicated! I’m not quite that level of crazy actor!”
She sighed and then explained that literally the show she had done RIGHT BEFORE this one, they had a girl who did that. The director had no idea she had any mental health issues despite the fact that along with her panic attacks she was prone to seizures and running and hiding. PLEASE hear me say, I understand that mental illness takes on all forms and effects us all differently. But at some point you have to know your limitations and you have to know when it is time to make someone aware of what might happen in case of an emergency.
Regardless, I understood her concern but was glad that I could comfort her nerves. Later I explained my condition in full because, when I am not in one of my fogs, I am not one to hide. I wear all of my conditions proudly, like badges of honor. I don’t bring them up randomly. But if they come up, like they did, I don’t mind sharing. This was a chance for me to open up to a person who could be an awesome new friend. New friends are hard when you are in your bubble of depression. But when you are feeling as I am now, new friends are exciting.