N&A Conversation #4

N: Am I hungry?

A: Yes

N: What do we want?

A: What do we have?

N: Each other. And a lifetime of love.

A: So what are we eating?

N: I don’t really want to eat anything. I mean I don’t want to taste anything. I just want the food to get in my belly.

A: *I thought I was the strange one in this relationship* If you will tell me what you want I will go make it.

N: I have decided I don’t want anything.

A: WHAT?!?! I wasn’t that hungry until you brought it up. Now I want food! You food balled me man!

N: “Food balled” is not a word. And no I did not because it is not a word.  *rolls over and puts in headphones*

A: You’re right. It’s not a word it’s a action. And you did it to me!

Now that I think about is the term should be “Blue Belly”. But that sounds cute. Or like your toddler got into the markers and colored your stomach blue while you were napping.

Note: Ladies, do not let men use the term “Blue Ball”  make you feel like it is your fault for not getting to the happy land. You don’t have to do shit!


Proud and Sick

I made it through last night. I guess you probably knew I would and I knew I would too. But I thought I should at least mention it.
However, the storm definitely left a mess.
I have been sick on my stomach off and on today. Noah has been so amazing, like always. He let me sleep when I needed too and was grateful when I was able to help. I did manage to do something today that I was super proud of. I called my provider to see who was in my network when it came mental heath care.
I am looking for a new therapist. For those who have never been to a therapist before, you should know, finding a new therapist is hard. There are so many types of therapy, you must first find one that is going to give you what you need. Then you have to get up the nerve to call. That is the hardest part for me. I HATE ANSWERING SYSTEMS. I think we all do. They are so cold and impersonal. It’s fine when I am calling about my cable bill, but when we are discussing something as taboo as my mental health, I would like to talk to a person, not a robot. After this, if you make it this far, you have to see who is willing to see you and when. It usually takes weeks to get an appointment.
But I did it, for 2 different places. Despite the nausea I have been feeling, I still felt like it was one little win for me today. No one else saw it that way. To the rest of my house it was just some phone calls to set up appointments. But I hate setting up appointments to places I am already a patient at. To me this was a big accomplishment.
So yeah. I am feeling pretty good. And sick all at the same time. For now, I will take it.

Anxiety attack #7,000,001

Full blown anxiety attack.

Nausea, all because I have gotten so worked up. At first I thought it was just an upset stomach. I took the medication the doc gave me for when I get nauseous. Now that the urge to lose my dinner has passed, the fear has set in.
I know that all parents worry about their children. But on nights like tonight, all I can think about is situations that I would need to save him and what if I can’t save him? Times are scary right now. Our country has lost it’s mind. (See previous post for my thoughts) But on nights like tonight, I imagine someone setting fire to my neighbors house because they are black. Or man down the street who is Asian and has a beautiful what I think is Hindu statue in their front lawn and picks up his 2 young children everyday from the bus. My heart hurts at the thought of what might happen to them. Not to mention my gay friends. And selfishly I worry about my own safety for standing up for what I know is right, and refusing to let this fear, the fear I feel right now, rule my conscience.
Tears are blurring the computer screen and I am trying to relax, place my mind elsewhere. I know there is nothing I can do. Not about anything above at least. Right now, all I can do is sleep. And I am trying. Somehow it just does not feel like enough.

I know we are not suppose to talk about things like this. When we allow our emotions overpower us. When we think about things that are beyond our control and know there is nothing we can do but still worry. More than worry. We let it run us. It is what separates the “Worry warts” for those of us who are plagued with Anxiety. But I take to the computer at times like this, at times that I am at my worst, because I want someone to know that someone else is struggling too. I fight this condition the same way I fight all of my illnesses. I will never be cured. It’s like wack-a- mole. When one fear subsides, another will present itself. But that is why it is important to continue to fight.

I am fighting now. I will win this battle.

What is happening…

Nothing turns people off faster than politics, so I try not to get political on my blog. I used to believe that I had my beliefs and others had theirs and as long as you accepted me for who I was, I would do the same.
But now I feel like my entire world has been shaken. I don’t know what to think any more except sadness.
Because I cannot even begin to explain what happened, here is a link to a news source who will say it better than I could. Or, watch this video . The story is okay too but the video just kills me.
“Violence on all sides.”
Violence on all sides?!?!?! What sides?!?! Cars vs. Humans? Tiki Torch vs. Scarecrow? Or do you mean Racism vs. Diplomacy? When looking up synonyms for non-racist it said, Non- Racist as in Politically Correct? So now that Google has solved the mystery that the leader of my country could not, how can you stand there and act as if both sides have done something wrong? I am disgusted.
I feel like I am in some sort of a bad dream. The only thing I will say is that yes, there is too much violence. I am shaken as I read peoples Facebook posts and they are talking about punch others and shooting people. People that I know to be otherwise peaceful people are now spewing death threats. Myself included. When the thing that should protect us is not doing it, we feel scared. We turn to comic book characters for answers and moral advice because our government is not giving it to us. We have small mantras that we hope will catch fire and start a movement. We go to meetings. We start vigils. We sign petitions. We call or government. We do everything we can. And when nothing happens, we get scared. We start to take matters into our own hands because no one is going to do it for us.
This is how it all starts.


Phone’s say the darnedest things

Actual conversation tonight.

Siri – *Loudly from Noah’s pocket* I have set the reminder to wake with cheese.

Noah- *Startled. Pulls phone from pocket.* Cancel reminder

Siri – Okay. But don’t you forget!

Noah – Don’t get attitude with me. Who do you think you are?

Siri – I am Siri.

Noah – And don’t you forget that!

Siri – I am more than just a pretty face!

Winner, Siri. Because it is easier to be more than something you don’t have!


I need time…I need time to get my thoughts together. I am posting this now because I might not make it back tonight. The thoughts and feelings are spinning and cycling through my brain and I cannot pull them all together. But I want to. I need too. But in case I don’t tonight, this is here.

My mind is still a cluster, but I can at least get started. Today was the end of the my summer contract. It was kind of an odd contract because it was a labor of love more than a big financial labor FOR SURE! I did not get rich this summer but I do feel like I proved myself in a lot of ways and that is important as well. I feel like I gained respect from people who may have been on the fence about my ability or just not have even known what I was capable of. This came from both those who worked with me and those who saw the productions that were produced. To be honest, I was somewhat blown away by what I was able to create. I see it in my head, but that does not mean that I can always articulate it. Luckily, some of the actors I had been working with so much this summer I could say things like “It’s not pretty yet. We are missing the build.” and it was enough to get to the crescendo I was looking for. (See, now I can make it sound pretty!)
Opening night of the first production was almost sold out. To be honest, there were more people there that night then I thought would be there over the entire weekend! It was somewhat insane. My anxiety made me want to go hide in the light booth because what if things went wrong? I have no control over anything! I can’t help them once they are out there! It’s like watching your kid go off to school for the first time. Except instead of watching 1 kid you’re watching 21 kids go off to school in front of about 100 people. It’s enough to make even the strongest person sick. I knew I had people that loved me there to support me but part of me knew that they wanted to see a good show. And that was my biggest fear. That was my biggest fear all summer. All I wanted was to put on quality theatre. And somehow, that’s what I managed to do.
Today was hard. Like I wrote about, things have not been easy right now. I wanted to skip the show and just show up for strike but I pulled together and made it to the show. When I got to the theatre, I ran into my mom who had been kind enough to surprise me with flowers. I love flowers! Right now I have 2 beautiful bouquets of flowers around my house thanks to Noah’s opening night tradition and mom’s big heart! As much as I love flowers, I got the best surprise I could have once the show started.
I was backstage telling everyone to break a leg and thank you and all of the good stuff, and then I went to the booth. I looked out over the crowed and was impressed that our crowed was about the same size as the other 2 days which is odd because normally Sundays are smaller. As I was looking, I thought I saw Ashley, Eli’s Godmother and the woman who I thought I might loose earlier this summer, sitting in the front row. There she was. Ashley, in all of her love and strength, at my production. I know it was not all for me, she had many friends in the show. But every show I would look out and hope that by some chance she would be there. I had given up.
Not on her, just on the selfish dream that she would waist what little energy she had on coming to see one of my shows. Afterword we hugged. It was not long enough. She was still her and so beautiful. I have never in my life wanted to be next to someone or just sit with someone so desperately in my life. I was also scared. Scared I had not done enough for her. That I had not been there for her as much as I should have been. But I don’t know why. We hugged and cried. There were no words because we did not need any. All I could ask her is how she was feeling and what could I do for her. The past was the past. At this moment, we were together, and she needed water. I could fix that. So I did.
Today, I know I did one thing right.



The past couple of days I feel like I have been hit with a double whammy. My depression is getting deeper and deeper. The harder I fight, the harder I fall when I get knocked down. I try so hard to see the positive in getting out of bed, getting a shower, driving to work, and going above and beyond so that others can do their best. So when things start slipping things I could normally handle, I break. I feel attacked and alone.
But that’s just the start.
My gums have now been bleeding for 3 days straight. It’s like having a nose bleed except every time you smile you look like a vampire. I always look bitter. Because of this I keep trying to avoid people, but I can’t! Not in my line of work! I hear some of you saying “I am sure it is not as bad as you think it is.” You’re wrong. My pillow looks like a crime scene. I wake up either gagging or throwing up blood. I have not slept an entire night through in 3 days. I wake up with dried blood on my face, my arm, my hand, all over my pj’s and sheets. One of the NA’s was like “Maybe it’s just gingivitis.” Bitch, really?!?! Have you ever seen someones mouth bleed for 3 days because of a fungus?
And then I slump back down because I start to think, what if this is really all my fault? What if I had just flossed that one more time? I realize how silly that sounds but when you are depressed, these are the thoughts that run through your head.
I try to be an open book when it comes to my depression and anxiety. I feel like even if I cannot go into details, I feel like it is my responsibility to inform people who want to know of every illness I have. I have PNH, Bud-Chiari, Depression (But I am High Functioning) and Anxiety. Please hear me say there is a fine line between constant sympathy and me trusting you enough to tell you I am not doing well and you disregarding it. Please, don’t give me another thing to feel like is my fault. I promise you, I already feel like everything else is.
So here is my confession, my plea, my whatever you need to call it to make you aware of what I am going through so that all 3 of you will know where I am right now. Physically, I am dealing with a 3 day gum bleed which has left me sick not to mention other news on the medical front which I cannot even go into right now. Mentally, I am spiraling down. I know there is a lot to be happy for and it makes me sad that I cannot just see that. I am trying. I have appointments this week and hopefully that will help. I am reaching out. I know I am not alone.
It is times like this we see that the world in not gentle. It may have good in it and I will find it again.


I try my hardest to remember that when I see people in public places and on social media that I am truly seeing the highlight real of their life. No one is going to post a picture of themselves eating a sandwich off the bed because they dropped the napkin as they were walking to the bed room to binge Netflix. Unless it’s a nude and then all bets are off.
There is this person that always tries to tell me that no matter how bad I think I have it someone has it worse. She gloats saying “I guess you could just say I’m a Pollyanna. I just know that someone always has it worse than I do and try not to feel so sorry for my self.” In my mind, this is some twisted guilt theory that NEVER allows you to feel like your surroundings are shit. Yes, I know, someone has it worse, but that does not negate my stubbed toe. I am willing to put money down that when a homeless person stubs their toe, it hurts. So I did some research into this Pollyanna and found out it has NOTHING TO DO WITH someone having it worse. She just basically saw the good in everything. Still, a very hard thing to do, but with a good twisted since of humor you can develop this skill.
But you have to allow your self the ability to say “This sucks!”  Like all indulgences it must be in moderation. You also have to watch who you say it to. Don’t complain about the fact that you are going to have to be in a room with your Mom and Dad for 5 day while they take you on a tropical vacation to a girl who just got chemotherapy.
Still not 100% with this Pollyanna chick. I think she needs to live a little more and then she can talk about seeing the beauty in all things. But maybe she can start helping people realize that it’s okay to be upset too.

“real writer”

I want to write something perfectly profound. You laugh for a little while. You find parts of it hard to believe but know that despite it’s almost fictional nature, it is too detailed not to be true. Everything is so clear that you can almost smell the words. Parts of it are beautifully tragic. It hurts because even if you have not been in the exact same place you can remember a time you felt similar. Many of their flaws are placed on them by them as is the case for so many. You start to see the world the way they do, for good and for bad. You accept the way they have adjusted and, if nothing else, see the beauty in their twisted logic. Again, the feelings, thought, surroundings, and everything that creates connection is so vivid that you feel sure you know the writer. The writer, the antagonist, the character, the person who is sharing their story with you. I wish I could tell a story like that.

Shit feathers

So here is the long and short of it. I will try to lean towards the short.

A child walked in on an adult conversation. The adult conversation was about her. Because we did not know she was there we were not saying things with any tact what so ever! Now said child is hurt. As I would be too if I was a child who heard adults saying that basically I was a spoiled brat. Granted, by child I mean 16 year old.
However, there is a time and a place for everything. It was a conversation that she should not have heard. That does not mean she does not need to hear the things that are being said. She just should have heard them with a better choice of words.
Also, because said child is acting the way she is, I do not know WHAT she heard! We adults were talking all kinds of shit. BECAUSE IT WAS AN ADULT CONVERSATION!
I think my biggest issue with it all is that I have to face her tomorrow and see how she is going to act. I am just preparing myself for her attitude and I am trying to remember that I am the adult and that she is the child. If she would like to talk to me about what she heard, I am game. But I am not down to play her games.
I am just shaken. And I don’t know why. I guess it’s guilt. But over what? I sat there. I said things. I talked. I can’t change it. I cannot fix it. I cannot make it better. It’s in the air now.

This is that thing they teach you in bible camp about not tearing open a pillow. Because then all the feathers fly everywhere and you cannot get them back in.

But that can’t be right. Because this was not me opening a bag of feathers. This was not me spreading gossip. This was not me saying something I had heard and spreading it around. This was me, venting to my adult friends that a child was driving me crazy. I just cannot get her to see it that way.

It hurts me to know that I hurt somebody.