I am the luckiest girl in the world!
Yesterday Noah truly out did himself! First he took my HANG GLIDING! I know, right? Like who is like, for my wife’s birthday I am going to make one of her dreams come true and let her fly like a bird! But I did! This event warrants it’s own post so look for details in an upcoming post. Then, because of our no chain restaurants on road trips rule, we went and ate at Foster’s Pub in downtown Winston Salem. It was perfect! I got fish and chips and, like I said yesterday, fish and chips is my transport food and all of a sudden I was in London. So basically my mind thought we were in London which I know sounds crazy but it is nice to have such a simple thing bring me back to such a wonderful place/memory.
After that we hit up my favorite local bakery and then it was off to the movies where we saw Kingsman: Golden Circle. I always love a good action movie with beautiful British men. It’s like James Bond but lots of them. Actually, I don’t know that. I have only seen one Bond film and I never quite understood his “mission” other than to be really good at cards. Maybe I should go back and try again with some of the older ones. Or wait until Idris Elba is Bond and then try again.
Then today I was treated to brunch by one of my favorite people in the world, my mini-bestie. Then at our 7 hour rehearsal I was given cupcakes and my lovely and talented cast sang to me. Not to mention that we made it through the show 1 1/2 times. Which I thought we were going to be lucky if we made it through 1 run let alone almost through 2. I know that has very little to do with my birthday and more to do with my cast extremely hard work ethic but it was still a wonderful surprise. Just now Noah handed me a card with lovely messages from my lovely cast and my heart was filled yet again with joy and happiness.
Between all of the lovely social media post, the text, the phone calls, and the in person birthday wishes, I feel like I may burst with love. Thank you all for making this birthday so amazing and making me feel so special! It was truly wonderful to feel surrounded by love.
THERE IS SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!
However, it is super late so I will talk about most of it tomorrow. Here are the key things I took away from today:
- I have the best husband any person could ask for.
- I now envy every bird I see.
- Fish and Chips still takes me away from where ever I am and puts me in London.
- Lemon and Chocolate are still the best combination when it comes to baked goods and ice cream.
- Colin Firth can do no wrong.
- I am lucky that I have someone who thinks that I am worth the time and effort to do whatever they can to take my breath away and make me happy.
It all goes back to point number 1. Find yourself someone who truly cares about you and and you will have found the best partner in life.
I am debating whether or not to enter a play writing contest that my local theatre is having. Best case, I win 100 dollars. Worst case, I don’t get selected for the finals but some 3rd grader beats me out and my ego is horribly bruised and I never publish another blog ever.
Okay. Maybe that was a tad dramatic but you understand my hesitation. It also comes from the fact that I have been trying to put together my thoughts and memories into a play for YEARS and cannot get them all into an order or even pin point a starting place. I realize that this is exactly the point of play writing classes. And I probably should attend one at some point in my life. But I get frustrated with myself so quickly that I have a hard time not throwing my hands up and walking away. I have to have drive to overcome what ever the conflict is to make it happen. And I know what part of the issue is.
When it comes to the play about my life, I feel like there are things that cannot be said. I feel like there are memories that are not just mine that I would not be allowed to share because they are not solely mine. I could ask permission, but then I would be bringing up things that happened in a not so pleasant past. Not to say that all of my memories are unpleasant, but no one needs permission to disclose happy memories. The world loves happy memories.
Never the less, I hope I can overcome my desire to protect my ego and at least try to write something. If I fail, then I toss it and I try again next year. Maybe that will be the thing that drives me to take a class. I can see it now. When the teacher ask “Why did you decide to take this class?” I can say, “Because I wanted to write a play that was better than a 3rd graders.”
Keeping it classy.
This post is slightly self serving and I am not sure if this is really the place to ask these questions but I feel like it’s worth a shot.
This blog is mostly for me. I do it because I wanted to become a better writer. I figure the best way to do that is practice. And the best way to practice writing is to do it as much as possible. That is when I set forth on my quest to make myself write every night. Even if I had nothing to write about. Some days I had more than one post because I had more than one idea or thing that I felt was worth writing about. In a lot of ways, this blog has become a good mirror for me. It makes me see what I like and don’t like. It helps me center my thoughts. It has made me stronger and more thick skinned because at the end of the day, it is what I think of me that matters.
All of that being said, I would like to place a new challenge on myself. I would like to get more followers. I feel like I have proven that I can write but now I need an audience. It’s like when your little and you put on plays in the living room for your mom or dad, or in my case my stuffed animals. That was, until I got old enough to boss my cousins around and make them do shows in my grandparents living room for the entire family. Now, I put my work out in front of hundreds and I would like to do the same with this blog. I am ready to take that step out of this living room and into the “real world”.
My new goal is to get 100 followers by the end of the year. I want this not just because I want people to praise me. I am doing it because I want to not just write but to also be read. I don’t feel like that’s a selfish thing.
So fellow bloggers, how do I do it? What do I need to do to make my goal? Am I doing all I can do? Am I just too bad of a writer that I am not worth the read? Help. Please. I want to be well written and well read.
Tomorrow is my first day back at school. I know this is an odd time to start but this is a new program so we are just starting to get it off the ground. As of right now, I think I have AT LEAST 13 kids which I am pretty psyched about. For a start up program at a school with only about 100 students I will take my 10% and run. What I am hoping is that these students will see how much fun drama is and tell their friends and then they will sign up and it will be a domino effect where soon my program is enough in demand that they will offer it as a class full time like gym or any other elective. But for this year, well really this term, I will settle for my one little after school program that meets twice a week. We will grow. I know it. Performing is an adrenaline rush and once you have that rush, you always want to be a part of it.
I just made theatre sound like a drug. Awesome. Well if that is the case, I’m about to write some major prescriptions.
Yes. I know how cheesy that sounds. Don’t judge!
I am sitting outside working up the courage to go in. I have Eli with me and I have taken my meds but I don’t know why, I still cannot make myself go in there. I set myself up. I put myself in these situations where I know I will say something wrong or stupid and it will bite me in the ass. Best case, everyone laughs at me. Worst case, I get hurt. This time it was both. I was so out of place but should have felt in place that I looked foolish for feeling out of place. Does that even make sense. I’m not sure it does to me.
Then I was talking about someone, which is something I just need to learn to never do, and I said that I agreed with someone about this persons unreliability. Then the person next to them did that thing that I find so arrogant I just want to smack the smug off of them. In relation to me said “Well, I could say something mean right now, but I won’t.”
1. You already have. You have implied that I am unreliable as well.
2. Don’t pat yourself on the back as if you have done some grand thing by not saying out loud what you have implied. The implication is insult enough.
But what is worse is I let it get to me. My heart hurt. One of my biggest fears is that I am unreliable and not present. That I will let someone down. That I am unable to follow through. And there it was, my biggest fear strung out in front of me. I don’t even care about how this person views me professionally. It is just how much everyone else kisses their ass and seem to respect his views. My concern is over the damage he could do to my reputation. So now I feel like I must work harder. To prove him wrong. To prove everyone who now listens to this balloon headed little twats thoughts of me wrong. Because people I care about, people I love, seem to love them as well. Which makes me wonder a lot about myself and relationships and alliances.
I’m realizing their aren’t any. Or if there are, they are few and far between. I feel like some of my friends would drop me like a penny in a heartbeat. I say a penny because it has now become more expensive to make a penny than the actual penny is worth. And that’s what I feel like right now. I am more trouble than I am worth.
I know this will pass. But the dark is dark. It all comes to the top in the dark for some reason. It is easy to hide in the dark. So easy. Right now, I’m going to hide.
I am working on a show right now and I LOVE the cast I am working with.
Tonight after rehearsal the lady playing the title character approached me with questions. Lots of them!
AND I LOVED IT!
She reminded me why I do what I do. With every question she pushed me to be better at what I do. At the end I almost started crying. She pushed me and I got to push back and she ate it all up. She trusted me to guide her and help her. She reminded me that I am good at what I do. She reminded me that actors trust me, people trust me. Some trust me to put them on stage and not make fools of them selves. When things are really right, they let me guide them and help them tell an amazing story. They let me help them create characters that have a story that is meaningful and worth telling. Others trust that the technical elements of a production will assist and provide the story with elements that can raise up or darken a moment creating emotions with a small switch or screw. Some trust me to make sure that the story is told well and the people are worth caring about. They all trust that what I see is worth it. And, if I do my job right, all of those things happen at the same time. Actually, they don’t just happen, they unfold into a perfect and beautiful patchwork quilt.
I have a pretty bad ass job!
“The carpets were deep cleaned now so that’s good”
Me: Noah, can I have the remote
Noah hands me his glasses
Me: No baby, the remote.
Noah hands me his glass of water.
Me: The remote…
Noah hands me his phone
Me: Baby, baby…are you awake
Me: Are you sure?
Me: Okay than who am I?
Noah: I don’t know but you make a great ham sandwich.
Me: Baby can you turn off your light?
Noah: No, your pregnant.
“If I wake up again, make sure I’m asleep.”
I love my hubby!
There are times I miss being a dancer. As I get older I realize my dreams of starring in a big show with huge dance numbers are dwindling. The last role I had that gave me the “triple threat” opportunity was Tracy Turnblad in “Hairspray”. It really was the role of a lifetime and I would not trade it in for the world! I am not saying I have not had wonderful roles since then. I just miss dancing sometimes. I have not done a big dance show since Eli was born and I wonder sometimes if I still could. My heart is still in it, but we all know heart is not always enough. And there is no profession where that statement is more clear than in show business. In most every other profession, you go to school, say med school. You take the classes, you learn the terminology, you do you internship and then you become a doctor in the real world. Performers do all of that, an then we go to the real world and less than 9% of us “make it big”.
But our dreams and ambitions change. Like every ones. We realize we don’t want to be away from our families for long periods of time while we take contracts to bring home money. We start to see ourselves in other people, people younger than us, and we want to help them grow as artist, to teach them and help them get further than we did. And it’s not settling. It’s growing where you are planted. It’s figuring out who you are and where you fit into this world of the performing arts.
And I will find my next show where I get to dance again. Right after I perform some Shakespeare. But not until I finish guiding an amazing cast through a beautiful script.
I’ll dance my way through it all.
As a director, sometimes you get the opportunity to work on a show that you feel a personal connection to. Violet is that for me. I never traveled to a big city in hope of having my scars healed, but it did take me a long time to learn to accept them. There is the poetic thought that everyone has scars and each one has a story. While this is true, some scars are more visible to the world and are not always stories you want to relive to every stranger you meet. However, we are not able to pick and choose the pieces of us that we would like to change. There are always parts of us that we would like to change but our parts make us whole. We must learn to accept the entirety of ourselves and count ourselves lucky when we find someone accepts us as we are, in our entirety. Scars and all.
This cast has done a beautiful job of making this story one of love, hate, compassion, and redemption. Each actor has given their all to create and craft in depth characters. Every character is so developed, so full, so intricate. I thank the cast for trusting me enough to make such bold choices and for leaving their heart on the stage every night. You bring this story to light.