Beach Trip Day 2

I woke up to the sound of Noah’s alarm. He had forgotten to shut it off so at 9:00 am the theme from “The Flash” starts blaring. Sadly I am one of those people that once I’m up, I am up. So, with the rest of the family asleep I escaped down to the beach for some sun and quiet pool/beach time. I was back by noon and was able to join everyone for lunch/breakfast. After Eli’s nap, the entire family sauntered down to the pool for some more fun in the sun. Unfortunately, I have now soaked in a little too much sun on my back and am feeling a little heat rising off my back. I made hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner and after we put Eli down, we played games until we could barely hold our heads up. Over all, it was a very calm and restful day.
I have a little work to do. I need to re-read my next project and start getting an idea of what I will be looking for at auditions or who I need to get in touch with to come and participate. I have some forms I need to print off and mail in for my student loans (that I will be paying off until I die!) And I also need to type out a proposal for an after school drama program for the new school I am working at. The latter two must be done by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest. So yeah, I need to get started.
I feel like the work will happen here though. For some reason I feel less pressure to get things done. I know they will happen and for whatever reason, things just seem to be happening a lot easier here. Part of me hopes that this is not just a geographical bonus. That maybe when I return home, despite the day to day chaos, I will somehow keep this new demeanor that has floated into my life. I know that life on vacation and life at home are never the same. But I cannot help but hope that this sense of calm, or at least part of it, will follow me home.

Beach Trip Day 1

Eli spent the night in our room which was fine when we were going to bed but, not so awesome this morning when he woke up at 8:30 and wondered why the 2 adults sleeping right across from him would not acknowledge him. He normally will go back to sleep until 10 or so (we are lucky like that), but not today. I bargained with Noah for an extra hours sleep I would take Eli to the pool and not bother him until noon. Sadly, I could not fall back asleep, so I relieved Noah and took Eli down a little early.
We had a BLAST! Because it was still early enough, we were two of maybe a dozen people at the pool and the only ones in the kid pool.  Eli was fast and ready for the water! He was in that pool in no time and splashing around like he owned the entire thing. He was in heaven and so was I. I love when I see pieces of myself in Eli. As he continues to grow and get his own little personality, every now and again I catch a glimpse of myself as a child. A memory will come rushing back and my heart gets full with the thought of sharing that same fond memory with my child. I have always been a beach lover. The closer to the water I am, the happier I am. I love the pool as well. Really, just water in general. My uncle, who had a pool when I was growing up, would always joke that I was part fish. I see that part of me in Eli now, and I love it.

As much as we enjoyed being some of the only people at the pool, it quickly grew more populated as the morning changed to afternoon. Two adorable children joined us in the pool and were quick to come meet Eli and Me. They were adorable and as much as Eli protested having someone in “his pool” they laughed it off and played around talking to me and Eli as if we were old friends. Their parents were close by and quickly joined in the conversation and before long, I had a new group of friends. They are from Rochester, NY and drove 12 hours to spend the matriarchs birthday the way she wanted, surrounded by her family and loved ones. They told me they were going for pedicures that afternoon and invited me to come. And, I said yes.
As it grew closer for the time for me to meet them, I got nervous. All of my anxiety started rushing to my brain. “How long would we be gone?” “Is this really okay with them?” “Is my family really okay with me going?” “What if they were just being nice?” I almost texted them and told them I could not come. But, I swallowed my fear and went. We had a wonderful afternoon. We got our pedicures, I took them to a small local chain that they had never been to for lunch, we talked about everything. It was like I fell into a group of friends that I had always wanted to be a part of but never thought I could be. I found myself constantly thinking “How in the hell did I get the nerve to do this?” But I still never seemed to be too uncomfortable to care.
Later this evening they invited Noah and I to come play Cards Against Humanity. If you have never played this game, it is a quick way to decide how sick someones since of humor is. Ironically, Noah and I fit right in. Once again, I found my self wondering “How in the hell did I get the nerve to do this?” But then I remembered the me from my childhood. How I could never go to the beach with out making a friend. One time, I remember the family even letting my new friend spend the night in our room. I somehow had tapped into that innocent part of me that trusted that people were good.
For a little while, I stopped being the anxious version of myself and started letting go. I don’t know if it is the new medications or what. But that adventurous part of me, my favorite part of me is coming to life again. Now it is not just possible business adventures, but personal ones as well.
I am beyond relaxed. I am personally ready to try new and exciting things. I feel like I am in the best place to truly enjoy them.

I cannot wait to see what tomorrow holds!

Spitting Love

I am sorry for not posting yesterday, and maybe the day before. Honestly they are all starting to run together. Busy and productive days! Nothing eventful however. Nothing worth noting. However…

I AM NOW AT THE BEACH! Honestly, I did not want to post anything about it because I was so afraid I was going to jinx it. I know this sounds crazy, but almost anytime I get too excited over travels, something goes wrong. The past few adventures have gone well. For the most part, my health issues we minimal enough to not over power the joy of each trip. So far, so good! We have only been here for 6 hours and already I feel so much relief. I feel myself letting go. It feels so nice. The beach, SC beach shores specifically, have always been my favorite place to vacation.

This is where I fell in love.  

Shortly after my fathers death, Noah and I took a trip to the beach. We had only been together about 6 months and it had not even been a year since my divorce. I was torn up about my fathers death, but not in the way you would think. My father and I had a very complicated relationship, to say the least. I was not sure how I felt about his passing. My thoughts and emotions were everywhere and I felt sure that at any moment, Noah was going to decide he was done with me. I would not have blamed him. I did know how I felt about myself, and I’ll admit, our relationship was truly the last thing on my mind. I was distant, not just mentally, but I also kept trying to put distance between us physically.

I was distant, he was not.  

I had finished all of my exams early so I could go be with my mom in SC. She was also having a hard time with my fathers passing. I used all the money I had to put gas in my car and go home. I did not even have enough money to get a dress for the funeral. I could not care. My job was to get home to be with my mom. But before I left, Noah took me to get a dress. I remember feeling horrible about it. Not because of anything he did, I just did not feel right have by boyfriend buying me a dress when not only was I unable to pay him back but, I was not sure how much longer our relationship was actually going to make it. At that point I could not worry about it. My mind was focused on getting home to my mom.

I was more than prepared to make the solo journey home when Noah said he was going to come with me for moral support. This was quite the event for him to decide to meet my extended family but that did not seem to faze him. My mom offered to put us up in a hotel so he came. The day before the funeral, we spent the day at my Mom and Grandmoms home making all the refreshments that we would be serving at the wake. He was useless in the kitchen, but he sat with me while I worked. His presence kept me distracted from the emotions surrounding my fathers death.
Once the funeral and wake were over, I was beyond hostile. I had sat and listened to people tell me how wonderful my father was. Like most sermons at funerals, the preacher talked about how my father felt at the end of his life. How he knew he was not perfect but he was a loving and sincere man. Like most who attend a funeral, so many people apologized for my loss. Most of the time those are things that provide comfort but  I was angry for so many reasons. Noah could feel the pressure building up inside of me so he asked me what he could do. “Take me too the Zoo.” It was less than a half mile from the hotel and I needed a distraction. Without hesitation, he took me. The next thing I knew, we were looking at beautiful animals which was a wonderful break from the insanity I had been surrounded by.
Both of us had decided to take a few summer classes so we only had a few days before we had to be back to school. In search of anything to keep me going, I decided it was the time we had should be spent at the beach. My mother agreed to sponsor my distraction, so a few days later Noah and I were at the beach. The first night there I could feel my emotions creeping up so I decided, as so many do, to drown them in alcohol. As you can imagine, this was not a good idea. For the first time, I found myself crying. We were sitting on the beach in the dark and I was sobbing. In moments of clarity I remember feeling sorry for Noah. Here he was at the beach with a girl who, until now had seemed to managed to keep her calm over her loss, and instead of getting lucky, he was dealing with a steaming pile of  sobbing mess. But he did not seem to care. He got me up and managed to get me back to our room.
Like every good “drunk sitter”, he made sure I was staying hydrated and had given me some ice water.
I wandered out to the balcony that looked out over the pool to the ocean. It was beautiful and perfect. I could feel myself letting go. I looked down to the pool and saw how the water was still. There was almost no breeze, which is odd for the beach. I felt like the world was holding it’s breath like I had for so long. And then I did it.
I spit my ice cube over the balcony and into the pool. I watched it land and make the perfect ripple. I had forgotten I was not alone. Either that or I did not care. All decorum had gone out the window. It was the most classless thing I had done in front of him. At least to me it was. But clearly it wasn’t to him. The next thing I know, he does the same and laughs at himself for missing the pool. The next thing I knew we were spitting ice over the balcony to see who could get the most into the pool. He was laughing his genuine laugh which, to this day, is one of my favorite sounds. It was then I realized, I was in love.
After everything that had been such a mess in my life, he had been there. He knew how broken I was and didn’t care. So there I was, spitting ice over a balcony, and truly in love.

Tonight I was standing on the balcony, looking over the pool at the ocean once again. That same since of calm that the ocean seems to always provide had taken over. After a few min, Noah brought out his drink and spit an ice cube over the balcony and missed the pool. He smiled and handed me the cup, filled with ice. There we were, almost 7 year later, still spitting ice cubes. But more in love than we have ever been.

Secret

I feel like there is some dark secret that I have not talked about here, at least to my memory, that I feel it is time to come clean about. I may have hinted at it here or there but it is time for me to just fess up. I have come clean about so many other taboo issues, I don’t know why this one is so hard for me to talk about.
Okay.
Here we go.
I hate the way I look.
I find myself constantly looking in reflective windows and wondering who that disfigured person is. I feel sorry for her. “She must have a rough go of it”, I think. And then I realize that it’s me.
I wonder how anyone could love someone who looks like I do. I always find myself wishing I could be like the other people in the room. They all look so comfortable in their own body. I wonder if it is noticeable that I am not. I wonder how many people I offend by what I wear. “I wish she would cover her (insert body parts here)! No one wants to see that!” I cannot blame them. I am not even angry about it. Which is probably a good thing because then I would be that crazy lady who screams “STOP LOOKING AT ME!” at people who just smile and glance at me.
It’s not just a matter of my weight. I know that is out of control. Please, don’t leave me weight loss advice. I know how to fix it. I just worry it is so broken that it is beyond repair.
Even if I did get my weight under control, there is the scars that I feel stand out like arrows pointing to all of the times my body has tried to kill itself and some doctor has had to save me. They are not badges of honor. They are memories that never go away.
I hear some of you saying that these are all “normal things” we don’t like about ourselves. But it only gets worse.
I have the worst skin in the world! Acne on a teenager is not cute but you get that it’s all part of growing up. Acne on an adult is just disgusting. Not to mention that if I don’t wear make up, which I rarely do, I look sickly. But somewhere down the line I decided that not even make up could hide this level of break outs.
I use to say that at least I had a nice rack. If nothing else, I had that going for me. Now, they have dug 2 holes in the top of my chest. Not to mention what being a Mom does to them. I didn’t breast feed and they still never when back to “normal”.
Don’t get me started on the bruising! I know someone must think poor Noah beats me with how many bruises I have.
I bleed uncontrollably from, well, everywhere. The best is when it is my gums are bleeding and I get little dried blood spots in the corner of my mouth. Or a huge clot takes over and I start to choke and gag only to end up spitting blood into a tissue and makes me look like I have TB.
I AM broken. And I would love to say that “I am still beautiful”, but I don’t buy it. I will take it from Noah, sometimes. I would love to say that “it is what’s inside that counts”. But like my grandmother used to say about a front lawn “Lot’s of people see your lawn. Less actually set foot in your house.” So as open as my front door is, most people just get to see me from the outside. And that is not anything I think people like to see.
I find myself constantly building up my friends and those I love. Making sure that they, especially the younger ones, have an arsenal of self-confidence. I just never want anyone to feel as poorly as I do. Looks are not the key to life. But I PROMISE, life is easier for those who are easy on the eyes.
So I am sorry that there is no cathartic end to the post. It’s just something that needed to be said. For my sake. I don’t like who I am on the outside.

PS – I realize the open door thing sounds like a sex thing. It’s not. Promise.

N&A Conversation #4

N: Am I hungry?

A: Yes

N: What do we want?

A: What do we have?

N: Each other. And a lifetime of love.

A: So what are we eating?

N: I don’t really want to eat anything. I mean I don’t want to taste anything. I just want the food to get in my belly.

A: *I thought I was the strange one in this relationship* If you will tell me what you want I will go make it.

N: I have decided I don’t want anything.

A: WHAT?!?! I wasn’t that hungry until you brought it up. Now I want food! You food balled me man!

N: “Food balled” is not a word. And no I did not because it is not a word.  *rolls over and puts in headphones*

A: You’re right. It’s not a word it’s a action. And you did it to me!

Now that I think about is the term should be “Blue Belly”. But that sounds cute. Or like your toddler got into the markers and colored your stomach blue while you were napping.

Note: Ladies, do not let men use the term “Blue Ball”  make you feel like it is your fault for not getting to the happy land. You don’t have to do shit!

 

Proud and Sick

I made it through last night. I guess you probably knew I would and I knew I would too. But I thought I should at least mention it.
However, the storm definitely left a mess.
I have been sick on my stomach off and on today. Noah has been so amazing, like always. He let me sleep when I needed too and was grateful when I was able to help. I did manage to do something today that I was super proud of. I called my provider to see who was in my network when it came mental heath care.
I am looking for a new therapist. For those who have never been to a therapist before, you should know, finding a new therapist is hard. There are so many types of therapy, you must first find one that is going to give you what you need. Then you have to get up the nerve to call. That is the hardest part for me. I HATE ANSWERING SYSTEMS. I think we all do. They are so cold and impersonal. It’s fine when I am calling about my cable bill, but when we are discussing something as taboo as my mental health, I would like to talk to a person, not a robot. After this, if you make it this far, you have to see who is willing to see you and when. It usually takes weeks to get an appointment.
But I did it, for 2 different places. Despite the nausea I have been feeling, I still felt like it was one little win for me today. No one else saw it that way. To the rest of my house it was just some phone calls to set up appointments. But I hate setting up appointments to places I am already a patient at. To me this was a big accomplishment.
So yeah. I am feeling pretty good. And sick all at the same time. For now, I will take it.

Anxiety attack #7,000,001

Full blown anxiety attack.

Nausea, all because I have gotten so worked up. At first I thought it was just an upset stomach. I took the medication the doc gave me for when I get nauseous. Now that the urge to lose my dinner has passed, the fear has set in.
I know that all parents worry about their children. But on nights like tonight, all I can think about is situations that I would need to save him and what if I can’t save him? Times are scary right now. Our country has lost it’s mind. (See previous post for my thoughts) But on nights like tonight, I imagine someone setting fire to my neighbors house because they are black. Or man down the street who is Asian and has a beautiful what I think is Hindu statue in their front lawn and picks up his 2 young children everyday from the bus. My heart hurts at the thought of what might happen to them. Not to mention my gay friends. And selfishly I worry about my own safety for standing up for what I know is right, and refusing to let this fear, the fear I feel right now, rule my conscience.
Tears are blurring the computer screen and I am trying to relax, place my mind elsewhere. I know there is nothing I can do. Not about anything above at least. Right now, all I can do is sleep. And I am trying. Somehow it just does not feel like enough.

I know we are not suppose to talk about things like this. When we allow our emotions overpower us. When we think about things that are beyond our control and know there is nothing we can do but still worry. More than worry. We let it run us. It is what separates the “Worry warts” for those of us who are plagued with Anxiety. But I take to the computer at times like this, at times that I am at my worst, because I want someone to know that someone else is struggling too. I fight this condition the same way I fight all of my illnesses. I will never be cured. It’s like wack-a- mole. When one fear subsides, another will present itself. But that is why it is important to continue to fight.

I am fighting now. I will win this battle.

What is happening…

Nothing turns people off faster than politics, so I try not to get political on my blog. I used to believe that I had my beliefs and others had theirs and as long as you accepted me for who I was, I would do the same.
But now I feel like my entire world has been shaken. I don’t know what to think any more except sadness.
Because I cannot even begin to explain what happened, here is a link to a news source who will say it better than I could. Or, watch this video . The story is okay too but the video just kills me.
“Violence on all sides.”
Violence on all sides?!?!?! What sides?!?! Cars vs. Humans? Tiki Torch vs. Scarecrow? Or do you mean Racism vs. Diplomacy? When looking up synonyms for non-racist it said, Non- Racist as in Politically Correct? So now that Google has solved the mystery that the leader of my country could not, how can you stand there and act as if both sides have done something wrong? I am disgusted.
I feel like I am in some sort of a bad dream. The only thing I will say is that yes, there is too much violence. I am shaken as I read peoples Facebook posts and they are talking about punch others and shooting people. People that I know to be otherwise peaceful people are now spewing death threats. Myself included. When the thing that should protect us is not doing it, we feel scared. We turn to comic book characters for answers and moral advice because our government is not giving it to us. We have small mantras that we hope will catch fire and start a movement. We go to meetings. We start vigils. We sign petitions. We call or government. We do everything we can. And when nothing happens, we get scared. We start to take matters into our own hands because no one is going to do it for us.
This is how it all starts.

 

Phone’s say the darnedest things

Actual conversation tonight.

Siri – *Loudly from Noah’s pocket* I have set the reminder to wake with cheese.

Noah- *Startled. Pulls phone from pocket.* Cancel reminder

Siri – Okay. But don’t you forget!

Noah – Don’t get attitude with me. Who do you think you are?

Siri – I am Siri.

Noah – And don’t you forget that!

Siri – I am more than just a pretty face!

Winner, Siri. Because it is easier to be more than something you don’t have!

Thinking…(Updated)

I need time…I need time to get my thoughts together. I am posting this now because I might not make it back tonight. The thoughts and feelings are spinning and cycling through my brain and I cannot pull them all together. But I want to. I need too. But in case I don’t tonight, this is here.

My mind is still a cluster, but I can at least get started. Today was the end of the my summer contract. It was kind of an odd contract because it was a labor of love more than a big financial labor FOR SURE! I did not get rich this summer but I do feel like I proved myself in a lot of ways and that is important as well. I feel like I gained respect from people who may have been on the fence about my ability or just not have even known what I was capable of. This came from both those who worked with me and those who saw the productions that were produced. To be honest, I was somewhat blown away by what I was able to create. I see it in my head, but that does not mean that I can always articulate it. Luckily, some of the actors I had been working with so much this summer I could say things like “It’s not pretty yet. We are missing the build.” and it was enough to get to the crescendo I was looking for. (See, now I can make it sound pretty!)
Opening night of the first production was almost sold out. To be honest, there were more people there that night then I thought would be there over the entire weekend! It was somewhat insane. My anxiety made me want to go hide in the light booth because what if things went wrong? I have no control over anything! I can’t help them once they are out there! It’s like watching your kid go off to school for the first time. Except instead of watching 1 kid you’re watching 21 kids go off to school in front of about 100 people. It’s enough to make even the strongest person sick. I knew I had people that loved me there to support me but part of me knew that they wanted to see a good show. And that was my biggest fear. That was my biggest fear all summer. All I wanted was to put on quality theatre. And somehow, that’s what I managed to do.
Today was hard. Like I wrote about, things have not been easy right now. I wanted to skip the show and just show up for strike but I pulled together and made it to the show. When I got to the theatre, I ran into my mom who had been kind enough to surprise me with flowers. I love flowers! Right now I have 2 beautiful bouquets of flowers around my house thanks to Noah’s opening night tradition and mom’s big heart! As much as I love flowers, I got the best surprise I could have once the show started.
I was backstage telling everyone to break a leg and thank you and all of the good stuff, and then I went to the booth. I looked out over the crowed and was impressed that our crowed was about the same size as the other 2 days which is odd because normally Sundays are smaller. As I was looking, I thought I saw Ashley, Eli’s Godmother and the woman who I thought I might loose earlier this summer, sitting in the front row. There she was. Ashley, in all of her love and strength, at my production. I know it was not all for me, she had many friends in the show. But every show I would look out and hope that by some chance she would be there. I had given up.
Not on her, just on the selfish dream that she would waist what little energy she had on coming to see one of my shows. Afterword we hugged. It was not long enough. She was still her and so beautiful. I have never in my life wanted to be next to someone or just sit with someone so desperately in my life. I was also scared. Scared I had not done enough for her. That I had not been there for her as much as I should have been. But I don’t know why. We hugged and cried. There were no words because we did not need any. All I could ask her is how she was feeling and what could I do for her. The past was the past. At this moment, we were together, and she needed water. I could fix that. So I did.
Today, I know I did one thing right.